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HardenMyHeart posted 6/25/2013 07:36 AM

Today marks 6 years since D-day.

Our marriage continues to thrive, and the affair has become nothing more than a painful chapter in an otherwise good marriage. NC has been maintained, we have addressed the pre-A marital issues, we have reconnected, and our goals for the future are aligned.

R taught me, not only a great deal about relationships and marriage, but a lot about myself as well. In that respect, the affair has not been all bad. I have learned to accept that nothing stays the same, and that bad things can happen that are out of my control.

I have also learned that my view of the world may not reflect reality. Just because I feel something is "right", does not mean it is right for everyone. Suffering is the price we pay for being right.

I now know that the secret of happiness is a calm mind. In other words, just being relaxed and enjoying what is around you at the moment; nothing more and nothing less. Learning to accept that the past is just memories, and the future has endless possibilities. To stop worrying about mistakes from the past and no longer dread a future that has not yet arrived.

Will my wife cheat again? I don't know, and I no longer care. If it happens, I will deal with it. For now, I'm confident in the wisdom I have gained as a result of R. I make sure my wife's emotional needs are met, and I know she feels comfortable discussing anything with me. Hopefully, there are no more secrets in our relationship. We now build on each other's strengths, and have learned to love (and support) the weaknesses.

Finally, I have learned that anger is poison to R. Holding onto anger only hurts yourself and those around you. Every minute spent in anger is another minute not noticing the beauty around you.

Sorry for the ramble.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 7:37 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

wert posted 6/25/2013 07:42 AM

I now know that the secret of happiness is a calm mind.

Truth. I have often said that happiness is a sham. I would just add to your statement by saying a calm mind can remove the need for the pursuit of happiness. It's the acceptance of what is not what should be. Either way, calm is good.

I am glad you are doing well.

take care...

AFrayedKnot posted 6/25/2013 07:45 AM

Thank you

sisoon posted 6/25/2013 10:24 AM

I'm very happy for you.

Thanks for sharing your update - I take encouragement from every positive story. Thanks also for sharing your thoughts during the time I've been here.

FightingBack posted 6/25/2013 12:01 PM

Thank you for sharing this HMH,

I get through each day in the hope that one day I will also feel the calm, appreciate the present, let the past stay in the past and continue to learn about the intricacies of relationships.

I have already discovered that my perception is not always right or true, but have also learned that this is OK.

There is a point I think at which we are able to more and more come out of ourselves and the pain that we are nursing, to see and feel the pain of those that have hurt us. At that point, I at least, have been able to rebuild the love and help the healing for both of us.

LoveActually posted 6/25/2013 16:11 PM

Finally, I have learned that anger is poison to R. Holding onto anger only hurts yourself and those around you. Every minute spent in anger is another minute not noticing the beauty around you.

Agreed! 4+ years later and I am just now arriving in the not angry place--and really just about enjoying the moment because you truly never know when it will be your last moment.

Congrats on 6 years!

mividaloca0505 posted 6/25/2013 16:20 PM

congratulations on 6 years. i wish i could be where you are. i am 5 years out and I'm still angry.

canteat posted 6/25/2013 16:28 PM

Don't apologize for the "ramble!!" What you shared has given me HOPE! thankyou!

MissesJai posted 6/25/2013 16:53 PM

Congrats on your progress and thank you for sharing!

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/25/2013 17:31 PM

Thanks I needed that today.

2married2quit posted 6/25/2013 17:38 PM

Thank you. This gives hope to my W and I. THANK YOU for coming back and posting something like this. Most leave and don't want to look back at this website ( I don't blame them) but to return and tell us a success story is to help others that are hurting are not as far along as you.

Thank you!

foundoutlater posted 6/25/2013 17:40 PM

Spectacular - thank you

Sal1995 posted 6/25/2013 17:43 PM

Harden, that was an awesome post. At 4 months, stories like yours give me hope. I was curious about something you wrote, though:

Will my wife cheat again? I don't know, and I no longer care.

By that do you mean that you literally don't care if she has another affair, or just that you refuse to live your life in fear and constant worry that she might?

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 17:50 PM

Thank you and God Bless.

Inspiring

HardenMyHeart posted 6/25/2013 18:53 PM

do you mean that you literally don't care if she has another affair, or just that you refuse to live your life in fear and constant worry that she might?

The latter. Her affair no longer defines who I am or how I choose to live my life.

LosferWords posted 6/25/2013 19:36 PM

I'd love to be where you are at three years from now. Thanks for the update.

girlsbird posted 6/25/2013 19:50 PM

Thank you.

sadallthetime posted 6/25/2013 20:54 PM

HMH - thank you so much for this post. I am almost 4 years out and feel that I am getting to be where you are now. The calm mind & not worrying are most important . It's a long and winding road for sure.

Sal1995 posted 6/25/2013 21:09 PM

Thanks Harden, I'm happy for you! You're where I hope to be at 6 years.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/25/2013 21:20 PM

Thank you for sharing, Harden. I'm at four months out from d-day and wondering if I'll ever feel good in our marriage again. Thoughts of D keep entering my head, but I would so much prefer to stay together.

Stories like yours give me hope and strength to keep trying in R.

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