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Betrayed07 posted 6/25/2013 07:59 AM

I just found out yesterday when the woman's husband called me. I confronted my husband and he admitted it. It was with a coworker and has been going on for a few months now. He has "warned" me for several years now that this would happen due to our lack of sex life.

We've been married 11 years and have two children, 6 and 3. I honestly don't know what to do. Do I stay and try to work this out for the sake of our children? Do I leave and risk regret of wondering if we could have worked it out? I love my husband and am finding it hard to just walk away - especially with the kids involved. He is willing to go to counseling, but is leaving everything entirely up to me. He admits he made a choice and is ready to face any consequences I decide. The kids love their Daddy and the thought of him not being around is heartbreaking. My son sometimes will start to cry out of nowhere just because he misses Daddy when he's at work.

Here's the kicker of it all. Our house has been up for sale for several months and we've had big plans of moving into a bigger house, closer to our jobs. We got an offer on our house yesterday, too!! Now, do we purchase a new home together and try to work this out? Or do I crush my kids (and my) dreams of moving into a big house and move into a cramped apartment by ourselves?

Not that any decision like this is easier, but if we weren't selling the house, I could take the time I need to really think this through. I was numb yesterday (denial, I guess), didn't sleep last night, and today I am just so SAD.

tushnurse posted 6/25/2013 08:20 AM

Welcome, so sorry you have had to join our club. Know that there are many of us here, and we all have good support, and better advice.

This is a very overwhelming time for sure. Please look to the upper left side of your screen, get in the healing library and read, read, read. Focus on what you want, and need right now. Eat, sleep, keeping hydrated, even these simple things can be difficult.

As far as your H goes, can I say he is being a Jack Ass. He is blaming you for his A because he wasn't getting enough? Yah Right.

Know, and listen to me, repeat this until it sticks. None of this is your fault. YOU did nothing wrong. He made the choice to go outside the marriage. He is broken, and you cannot fix him, he has to acknowledge that and fix it himself.
Keep repeating it. It is hard not to think if only I coulda woulda shoulda....NOTHING would have changed this. He would still do this at some point.

You have a lot going on in your life normally, young kids, selling your home, etc. I would say move forward with the sale of the home, and figure out what to do as this plays out. He may get it right away, and you can move forward and R in a new home together, or he may not and you can get separate apartments until you make a decision. In the time line of life this is just a blip to your kids. Keep loving them, keep being the best mom in the world, and you will find strength from them.

The other 2 things that I tell ALL newcomers is to go see an Attorney. Find out what your rights are, and what you can expect should he leave, should you decide to D. This gives you knowledge, and immensly decreases the anxiety of the what ifs? Secondly, go get yourself tested for STD's. Cheaters lie, and if it is more than a one night stand, you can bet the bank he didn't use protection every time.

Welcome, keep posting.

((((and strength))))

Betrayed07 posted 6/25/2013 08:36 AM

Thank you for your response. I just feel so alone right now. I can't tell family/friends - they will hate him and things will never be the same even if we reconcile. I don't even know how to go about finding a counselor. Then juggling appointments with young children. We don't have much support in the area of babysitting.

I noticed under your namestamp that you reconciled. How do you trust again after this? I know thats what the counselor is for, but I just can't imagine things ever being "normal" again. How do you even become intimate again?

All these doubts make me just want to end it and move on with my life, but again, I don't want the regret of wondering if we could have gotten through this?

Josephine01 posted 6/25/2013 09:00 AM

Hi Betrayed,

You should take some time to think about what you want to do it is a huge decision either way and a courageous one too.

You are stronger than you think that you are. We are all here for you for support.


solus sto posted 6/25/2013 09:12 AM

I'm so very sorry you find yourself needing SI--but am glad you found us.

Regarding the marriage, you do not have to make any decisions today, tomorrow, or any time in the foreseeable future. You can stand back, and see how things unfold. (This will, incidentally, require some action from your husband; his passivity is worrisome.)

Right now, you're thinking in HUGE absolutes: "crushing our dreams and moving to a cramped apartment." There are in-betweens.

That said, the new house concerns me. Given the magnitude of the infidelity (and the "punitive" nature---that you were "warned" suggests, to me, that you were set up; "lack of sex life" is two-sided, and some people ....arrange their sex life at home to FIT their adulterous intentions. Your husband's "warning" that he was going to cheat, and his passivity and lack of remorse in the aftermath of discovery, make me wonder if YOU were set up.)

I would NOT purchase a bigger house with someone I'd just learned had betrayed me.

If you want to try to reconcile, that's fine---lots of us do, and many of us succeed. But it's a lengthy proposition, and it can be a few years before you know if it's even possible.

In your shoes, I'd withdraw the house from the market. You don't have to move and, in fact, the market is improving in many areas of the country such that you might do far, far better in two or three years.

If the offer you received is stupendously good, I might accept and sell---but I would NOT buy another house. Not now. Not with man with whom I was not absolutely sure I was emotionally safe.

And no matter what words he tells you (and they sound pretty crappy right now, with his "I warned you" garbage and his reliance on YOU to clean up his mess), you will not know where you stand for quite a while.

If he's committed to reconciliation, he won't have any problem with you taking half the proceeds of the sale of the house and stashing them in an account he can't access. No, you won't access them, either---unless you NEED to.

My point is this: this man is a stranger, and your marriage is over. Whether you will be able to build a new marriage with him remains to be seen. He may become remorseful and completely committed to the marriage, and you may do really well. He may become completely committed to the marriage, and it won't be enough. He may remain an, "I'll do whatever you say, but don't count on ME to do anything to fix this" guy, and never prove himself suitable for reconciliation. And you won't know ANY of this for, quite likely, at LEAST many months, if not years. (I can't count how many of us believed ourselves to be staying with partners committed to reconciliation who were, in fact, still cheating.)

If you can't stay put, then rent a house. No, it won't build equity----except it WILL: it will build equity in your marriage. That's a small price to pay for the opportunity to prove that he's worthy of a lifetime with you.

Meanwhile, you will have have---safely tucked away---half of the proceeds of the sale of your current house. That way, you will know you will be able to set you and your kids up comfortably, if need be. This is NOT a plan for reconciliation to fail. To the contrary, it gives it the best changes. You will be there by choice, not necessity. That is powerful, for BOTH of you.

His passive, "I'll do what you say" doesn't really speak to real remorse, at this stage. That doesn't mean he won't get there---but I'd be very, very reluctant to make any more life-altering changes with him, until the fallout of this his decision to cheat is thoroughly cleaned up.

ETA: Another thing to think about: his affair was with a coworker. Often, the only way for the BS to feel safe in such a scenario is for the WS to leave that job. So, factor that in, when considering purchasing another house. Right now, it may seem tolerable for him to continue with the same employer. But triggers can be fierce, and that can change at any time. I'd want to choose a house I could pay for comfortably on one income, if need be.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Betrayed07 posted 6/25/2013 09:54 AM

I'm not making excuses or defending in any way, but I am just trying to make the right decision. Rental homes now cost as much or even more than a mortgage. Thats why I mentioned a small apartment. I would love for him to leave his job, but in today's market, thats not possible. Its stable and he's been there for over 5 years. We can't risk job insecurity or else we can't support our kids. BTW- there would be no proceeds from the sale of this house. We would break even. Right now there are four of us in a 1000sq ft rancher with 1 bathroom. No one wants this house and if we don't accept this offer, who knows how long we'll be stuck here. Reconciled or not.

Ms_Strong posted 6/25/2013 09:55 AM

Dear B7, you're not alone. I had a very similar situation with my XH. He also came up with the same excuses for his bad decision-making, almost word-for-word. He is shifting the blame on to you to alleviate his guilt. He is also doing the same thing in leaving the ultimate decision up to you, therefore he can wash his hands of being responsible if it comes to divorce.
I chose to D, and have not regretted it one bit. I don't have to worry about whether I could trust him again, I don't have to worry if he's working late, I don't have to worry if I've done anything to cause trouble...I'm happy, my kids are happy. I had the same concerns as you about the kids missing their dad, and did not make the decision lightly. I'd like to add that the decision was mutual, and discussed in MC. He did not try to cop-out and pin it on me like your H is doing.
My XH co-parents with me and he is a good dad. I'm just glad I'm not married to him anymore. The kids will need extra love and attention, but that is effortless.
I agree with the previous posts, to take your time and not to think in absolutes. You don't need to sell the house today if it's all too much right now.
This is not your fault. Your H needs to grow a backbone and take responsibility for his own actions and stop blaming you. You haven't done anything wrong.
At the time my whole world was turned upside down, but I am so much stronger today...and happy!

[This message edited by Ms_Strong at 9:57 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 09:56 AM


His cheating has nothing to do with you or your lack of sex.

That is projecting and blame shifting. There are more than several ways to address issues in a marriage without having an affair.

He is being a complete cowardly, mean ass.

He admits he made a choice and is ready to face any consequences I decide.

WOW. Really? How noble of him. He chose to cheat and now you get to decide the outcome. NO WAY. Tell him to man up and figure out what he wants and that if he wants this marriage to have a chance he best loose his cavalier attitude NOW.

First, please go to the healing library and read, read and read. You are hurt and scared and understandably so. You need all the help you can get.

You do not have to decide today whether to stay or go. You have a lot of information to wrap your head around.

Just be cautious. Don't let him off the hook. Now is the time for YOU to define YOUR boundaries.

No contact with the OW. You must require proof of this. If he wants to truly try and make this work and help you to heal it is NOT negotiable.

I first stayed for my 3 kids. The thought of breaking up my family paralyzed me. But then I realized that I owe my 2 daughters and son a better example of what they should base their future relationships on.

My daughters will not settle for lies and betrayals (I pray) nor will my son treat his wife like an option (I pray). So I got tough, mad, demanding.

I do know a marriage will not work only bc of the kids. There has to be more. The work now is to see if you both can find the more.

Again - time.

We are here for you. We know what you are feeling and struggling with.

Please find an IC for you asap. You will need help navigating these waters.

Big hug and many prayers

[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:57 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Betrayed07 posted 6/25/2013 11:24 AM

I just wish I could get MAD! Is this normal??? I feel like I'm just in a daze, walking around like a zombie with this overwhelming feeling of sadness. This is absolute torture. I can't eat, sleep, and my kids have been watching TV all day b/c I fee like I cannot even function.

doggiemom12 posted 6/25/2013 11:46 AM

Sorry you find yourself here and that your WH is being such a jerk.

You need to see a lawyer and find out what your rights are NOW. Take some money and put it in an account only you can get to. Do not tell him you are doing any of this.

Then decide. There is no rush. And it sounds like he will soon turn into the real ass he is and then things will become much clearer to you.

Take care of you now. He doesn't care about you anymore.

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 12:49 PM

Yes it is normal.

You are in shock. You will suffer from phases of acute and post traumatic stress disorder

Marital infidelity is one of the most traumatic life experiences leaving spouses stunned, dazed and profoundly wounded.

The proverb, no wound worse than the wound of the heart is applicable.

The victim spouse frequently develops a group of symptoms that constitute an acute stress disorder.

These symptoms include anxiety, dissociative and other symptoms that occurs within one month after exposure to extremely traumatic stress including:

a sense of detachment or unreality
a sense of being in a daze
inability to recall aspects of the trauma
a regular re-experiencing of the trauma
intense anger, rage, hatred, impulses for revenge
profound fears
severely damaged self-esteem.

The infidelity profoundly wounds the ability to trust and can lead to the anxiety disorder of a post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

However, the wound is so severe that painful memories associated with profound sadness, mistrust, anxiety and intense anger can be recurrent under various types of stresses for many years.

Offending spouses need to understand this and they attempt to rebuild the marital trust.

Has your husband shown one ounce of remorse?

Please contact an IC. You need some help dealing with all this.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 12:50 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

solus sto posted 6/25/2013 13:26 PM

Yes. Yes, yes, yes--it's totally normal to feel dazed. This can persist for quite some time.

It's much, much harder to work through the grief constructively if you live with a non-remorseful spouse. I learned this the VERY hard way.

I understand you want a larger home.

IMO, this is an unwise time to move forward with that. Your current house is one you might be able to manage on one income (plus support), if it comes to that.

If you move, you might leave yourself more precariously positioned.

It's simply too early to know how this is going to pan out.

If you're not even yet able to feel your feelings (and again, this is TOTALLY normal), it's too soon to make major life decisions.

Those decisions include not only whether to commit to reconciliation but other things---like the largest purchase most people ever make: a house.

Now is NOT the time to do that. As frustrating as it is, that kind of decision simply cannot be made when there is so much uncertainty.

Millions of hugs to you. I know how very awful this feels. It does get better. No matter the outcome, it really does. You will get through this.

[This message edited by solus sto at 1:27 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

LisaReg posted 6/25/2013 13:53 PM

I'm so sorry you have to be here but you will find plenty of support. You are not angry yet because this is all so new. You are still in shock. The anger will come. When it does you may be surprised how intense it can be. Do what you need to do to get by the next few days. TV for a few days wont hurt your little ones.

Your wh warned you he would cheat because of lack of sex. What did he do to work on this with you? Did he ask you to go for counseling? Now he is blaming you. Don't buy into this. He made a very calculated choice to cheat. Now he is asking you to decide what to do? You might not be ready to decide anything today. That is OK. Just don't think you did anything to deserve this.

[This message edited by LisaReg at 1:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Betrayed07 posted 6/25/2013 14:10 PM

Thank you all for verifying this is "normal". I have been wondering why I am so numb!

The sex problems have come up many times in the past. I am not a sexual person - in fact, I really wouldn't care if I ever had sex again. Don't know if its age (almost 40), kids, working mom, etc. Knowing this is part of marriage, I would try and things would get a little better, but then I would go back to nothing. I even said I would go to counseling and never pursued it. I saw my doctor who prescribed some things that never worked. I'm certainly not taking the blame here, just responding to the question about counseling before.

He has agreed to counseling and says he doesn't want leave. I told him he can blame me all he wants, but he made a CHOICE. He acknowledges this and if he's willing to try counseling, can it hurt to try? If it doesn't work, then I can make a more informed decision to leave, right?

Betrayed07 posted 6/25/2013 14:35 PM

Maybe I am being stupid, but I just dream to be one of the success stories that has lived through it and are even stronger than ever.

Jospehine85 posted 6/25/2013 15:01 PM

He has "warned" me for several years now that this would happen due to our lack of sex life.

Uh ^^^This^^^^ is abuse. That is control. That is making you an object to be used for sex.

it is very likely that he was having affairs for those several years and "warning" you was his way of justifying in his mind what he was doing.

Of course, giving you a warning that if you don't give him enough sex he is going to cheat, isn't going to make you feel all warm and fuzzy and aroused is it? No, it does just the opposite, because that is what it is supposed to do. That kind of statement is said to hurt the recipient. Pure and simple.

He is willing to go to counseling, but is leaving everything entirely up to me.

No. That is not how it works. You are the prize. He needs to do everything to make this happen.

Don't let him reverse roles on you Betrayed07. He is not the victim here. You are.

Go get yourself tested for STDs. Don't sleep with him without protection until he is tested also and you have seen the test results.

(((Betrayed07))) Sell the house. Do not buy another one. You will feel safer if you do not feel "stuck"

Also, make an appointment and go see a lawyer, find out what you can expect in a divorce as far as child support and custody and spousal support goes. You don't have to file for D. Just know what you can expect so you do not have to fear being single.

The partner most willing to walk away from a relationship has the most power.

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 15:04 PM

Of course it can't hurt to try.

But please make sure you both go to IC first.

Are you sure the affair is over? Have you demanded proof of NC?

Read in the library how to go about ending the affair.

It is still new. Take one day a time and know that you are not alone.

We are all here rooting for you. Deep breaths and pray for guidance and comfort.

Good luck.

doggiediva posted 6/25/2013 17:49 PM

I would let the sale of the house go through and take half of the proceeds..Don't give WS an inkling that you plan to do this...
Live in temporary lodging with or without him until you have an idea whether or not he is remorseful...If R is to take place, WH should move heaven and earth to make you feel safe and not to blame for any of these events that are unfolding.. If R is to take place, WH needs to lose the idea that he gets to have as much sex in the marriage as his little heart desires or else he is going to cheat! This is the thinking of an immature spoiled brat! Life is complicated and NOBODY gets EVERYTHING they want :/

Betrayed07 posted 6/26/2013 06:12 AM

We counter offered on the house and haven't heard back. Actually hoping they don't accept so I don't have to deal with moving on top of all this (to an apartment, rental, wherever). I can't deal with anything right now.

I want to ask another question tho - how do you function around your WS when all of this is so fresh? It is SILENT in our house, except for the kids. We say "hi" and "bye" and thats literally it. I can't talk to him and find it hard to even be in the same room right now. I don't want him to leave for the sake of our kids. I want things to remain as normal as possible for them until things pan out - its not their fault. He called when he was done work yesterday and asked if it was ok for him to come home or if I needed more time. I couldn't even answer him - I just burst into tears. Still trying to get a counselor, but juggling insurance and even getting one to call me back! Is this silence with each other normal, too??

tushnurse posted 6/26/2013 08:10 AM

Betrayed please please please take a deep breath look at your member number. Those are assigned in numerical order. YOU are not alone.
Read the healing library.
Work on you. Make sure you are getting the basics done, eating, sleeping, keeping hydrated. For this type of emotional blow even the basics can be difficult.

How do you ever trust again. That's a big question. You first new to be sure that your spouse I willing I to do what it takes to R. This requires him acknowledging what he has done and understanding the depth o pain he has caused. Many ws's say they do, but early on are really just sorry they were caught and want to do the minimum to get life back to normal. This is not R this only creates more dysfunction. He ha to understand the why I what he did.

I'm willing to bet the sex issue stems from him not making it about intimacy or you. This makes it far less enjoyable and just one more thing to add to your to do list. So I get where you are comin from. I you had some great sex where you are the star you may feel differently. My point is his blamin you is bullshit. And he needs to be called on it. He needs to figure out why he felt the need to go outside the marriage for ego striking and fix that.

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