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strong outside, shattered inside

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luv_lost posted 6/25/2013 08:08 AM

Being a true and mostly typical Cancer, I've always had a strong outward appearance but was a softie inside. Lately, I haven't been arounud as much as I want to or need to be. Life has been so busy these past three weeks that I have completely pushed the emotions from his A to the back burner. They're still there, slowly simmering and I feel like it's about to boil over...soon.

He's been ok, went through with the vasectomy I demanded (because sorry, I'm not fighting with another chick over child support when I'm his W...nuh uh ain't happening!) so he's been recovering and alot of the household stuff is falling on me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact he does ALOT for our family on a daily basis and I am totally capable of doing it's just while getting things taken care of, the resentment is building even though I know he went through with one of my demands for this M to continue.

As far as I can tell, NC has not been broken since before DDay....he has been going to IC. I haven't been having as many emotional outbursts or crazy jekly/hyde mood swings, but honestly, I think it's been because I'm either 1) too busy right now with other aspects of life; 2) I'm just so broken and shattered inside I don't really care; and/or 3) I'm in survival mode (ptsd-related).

Everyone makes comments about how proud they are of me for handling the situation and I'm so strong, blah blah blah....truth is I don't feel like I am. Everytime someone says something like that I want to break down.

When I look at my WH, everytime....EVERYTIME I think in my head and more often than not say out loud "how could you do this to me? to our family?"

I feel so empty, like this is what life is now...and now I'm just trying to make a pile of shit look like a garden of roses.

nowiknow23 posted 6/25/2013 09:30 AM


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