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Divorcees: did your parents remove your wedding pics from wall?

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Ms_Strong posted 6/25/2013 09:35 AM

I just had a trip home to see my father who I don't see that much because he lives in a different country. I was shocked to see my wedding photo and a Happy Family photo of me, my cheating XH and our kids still displayed prominently in the kind of felt weird because I have removed all photos of the XH in my house. My ex-inlaws have been very unkind about me to my kids since the divorce 18months ago and I don't display any photos of them either. The wedding photo at my dad's has all of them in it. All my wedding photos are buried away in a big box. Question: If you are divorced, did you insist to your parents that they remove your wedding photos from display in their home? How do you do it tactfully? I'm thinking of presenting my dad with a new framed photo of me and his grandkids to replace it on the wall, but he is such a hoarder he hardly throws things away! I hope to bring my BF/soulmate :-) to meet him next year and don't want these pictures up. Or am I over-reacting?

[This message edited by Ms_Strong at 9:38 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

7yrsflushed posted 6/25/2013 09:45 AM

I am separated but well on my way to divorce and my parents kept wedding and family pictures up at there house. While they support me the betrayal didn't happen to them it happened to me. My kids still go over often and I am okay with the pictures being up. Especially since I took them all down at my house. If my kids want to keep a small picture of Mom and Dad in their rooms at my house I am okay with it.

I may view it differently but I don't think you are over reacting at all. I think the idea of giving them a new photo of you and the kids to replace the wedding pictures is a good idea. I hope it goes well when you talk to him about it.

ETA: I had an uncle that divorced and my grandparents kept his wedding pictures up at their house. My mom seems to be following the same path for me and the pictures are still up so I am used to it.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:47 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

lostmommy posted 6/25/2013 09:53 AM

My parents removed them as soon as XH left almost 2 years ago. They didn't want any reminders of that day, and I appreciated it. I still have my albums and my proofs in case J ever wants to see them when he's older, but I don't have anything from that day "out" as a constant reminder. When I visited my xMIL shortly after XH left, she also removed the pictures that she had.

nowiknow23 posted 6/25/2013 10:00 AM

My folks have a picture up from each of their kids' weddings, but they are the full extended family pictures - the big crowd shot with the bride and groom in the middle. In some cases, those pictures include relatives who are no longer with us. My father told me he would take down the ones with wasband in them if I felt strongly about it, but he would prefer to have those pictures up as they show the history of the family.

I think it's important to have the conversation with your parents if it bothers you. They may not realize how it is impacting you, and you may not realize their reasons for wanting the picture on the wall.

Amazonia posted 6/25/2013 10:11 AM

My family took them down. Then again, my family is the type who thinks I'm going to hell for getting a divorce, and prefer to pretend that I was never married in the first place.

Sad in AZ posted 6/25/2013 14:18 PM

My mom has no pictures of anyone not blood-related to her so even if the X and I were still happily M, there would not be a picture of us together. If she were a country, she'd be xenophobic.

better4me posted 6/25/2013 14:59 PM

My parents never displayed my or my sister's wedding photos so it wasn't an issue. When XWH and I had family portraits done, we each had a shot with us singly with our own children. It was just something I thought would be nice for the kids to have--a photo of just their parent and them--honoring where they "came" from. Fast forward 8 years. YEA, forethought. The rest of those pics can go in the pic with my kiddos, I can keep!

Funny thing, that is the one my parents always displayed anyway. What did they know that I didn't??

Ms_Strong, I'd present your father with the picture YOU want him to have, but without explicit instructions from you, don't expect him to take the other one down. Maybe you can do it for him the next time you visit. "You don't want to display THIS old thing any more!"

meaniemouse posted 6/25/2013 15:08 PM

When my youngest brother got married we had a family picture taken--my parents, siblings, my SIL and her family, my kids and the ex--the whole gang. The picture turned out so well that for Christmas my brothers and I got it blown up and framed for my parents. It was a BIG picture. I come from a family of short people and my ex was over 6 feet tall and was smack dab in the center of the picture in the back.

When my mom died and my dad moved in with us I suggested we give the picture to my brother and SIL. I put a yellow post-it over my ex's face and to this day that's the way it hangs in their house. It makes me laugh every time I see it!

wildbananas posted 6/25/2013 15:47 PM

Yep, they were still up until recently (my father passed away three years ago; my mother has dementia and is now in a care facility). Not a ton of them but a few.

Ms_Strong posted 6/25/2013 15:52 PM

Thanks for your replies - some of which made me chuckle.
So, I think if I give my dad a "replacement" photo, he is still going to keep the old wedding one up - he really does not throw anything away LOL.
I'm going to take all of your advice and talk to him about it - wow, communication...who would've thought?

clralb posted 6/25/2013 18:26 PM

Most definitely. As soon as they found out, any picture of him was history.

newlysingle posted 6/25/2013 20:19 PM

Yes, my mom took them all down as soon as we separated. She replaced them with pics of the kids. I have also taken any photos down in my home with STBX in them. I still have my wedding photos and album up in a closet. I'm saving them for the kids if they wasn't to see it in the future.

I.will.survive posted 6/25/2013 20:30 PM

I had to tell my mother NOT to put up my huge formal bridal portrait when I took it down from my house. Her response? "It's just you in a beautiful dress....and technically you weren't married on that day."

I noticed they have removed the few small framed pics they had of us here and there. Don't know about the pics at my former inlaw's house as I haven't been there in 2 years, but we still keep in touch.

The day I found out about the affair, every single wedding picture/album, etc. were thrown into a huge rubbermaid tote. I also threw all of my affair evidence and pics into it as well. Must remember to purge that part when my child eventually expresses interest in wedding photos!

Bluebird26 posted 6/26/2013 06:52 AM

Yep, my mum had great satisfaction cutting up photos with xwh in them.

My xwh mother promptly took down the photos of us and replaced them with xwh & OW

I also got great satisfaction in destroying a large wall framed wedding print, I destroyed his side of the photo with a screwdriver it was therapeutic

SeanFLA posted 6/26/2013 08:07 AM

Funny because I'm home visiting my mother and going through these exact emotions being at her house with my son fior two weeks. She had mine and my brother's wedding pics up in the dining room. My father died about five years ago. All my brother's are there perfectly displayed. Mine are gone. I'm not sure how I feel about it. One side of me says it's good and she's respecting me. The other side makes me trigger and deeply depressed over it. Kind of like I let her down in a way. Although I know the marriage failing was not my decision. Still I think about everything my parents did for us when we were young starting out and my exWW disrespected all of that. Those pictures are such a trigger for me while I'm here it's unreal. I'm ready to go home I think.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 8:08 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 6/26/2013 08:48 AM

My mum had a wedding photo up in her home. I noticed she put it away right after DD and did not put it back up during False R.

I would be upset if she had kept it up.

StrongerOne posted 6/26/2013 11:27 AM

My folks have wedding and family pics with my siblings' various ex-spouses (including cheaters) and ex-SOs. It's their house, the memories captured in the photos are nice, none of us are bugged by it. The only one who got axed was the SO who beat up my sister. Nobody kept pictures of that asshole.

Dreamboat posted 6/26/2013 16:46 PM

My parents immediately took down my wedding photos when X left, but they did not purge their house of his image. So if he was in large family photo then they did not take it down.

My xIL's on the other hand (shakes head). They left our wedding photos up and prominently displayed on their mantel. Meanwhile they got X a secret phone and encouraged the A. At first I was angry and then I realized that OW got to look at them too! HA, that must have burned her butt. They were still up after I filed for D. For all I know they may still be up

I think you should send your father a new photos of just you and the kids. And maybe gently suggest that he replace the wedding photos or at least move them to lesser used rooms.

persevere posted 6/26/2013 23:46 PM

I guess I'm of the camp that sees the photo as a history. I wouldn't want it everywhere but I see that it could be good for the kids that the concept of the past is not bad for the kids to see. It's part of their history. And better in my parents house than mine.

Ms_Strong posted 6/27/2013 23:28 PM

I talked with my dad about it and he was incredibly understanding! He just said, time to put that behind you and move on to start a new chapter. My dad is the greatest!
He took it down quietly one day and then he suggested a ritual burning of the photo and using the frame for something else. LOL. Maybe he wanted permission to take it down!!
I'm not concerned about the kids not knowing their history because I still have the album in a big box which they can see one day. They also have a picture of all of us in their room. The issue that made me uncomfortable was to see this humungous group photo of me and the X-inlaws in the most sociable room in my dad's house.
It does look much better now.

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