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Update, he finally left! :) (Long)

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libertyrocks posted 6/25/2013 10:01 AM

I've been waiting for this day, now I feel bad...

I do have a question about addiction and memory. My H used to drink everyday. Like a 6 pack or probably more. Both our chemical dependency therapists say he was looking to drink and get more alcohol in his system. Every. Day. I have no idea what that's like. Apparently, he would think about what and who he would drink with when he woke up in the morning... sad.

So, long story short. H and I been together 13 years, M 6. 2 little kids. After 3 years of M, he cheated right after first son born, for 3 years until next son born. I had NO IDEA! He slept with 8 OW and had a LTA girlfriend that I actually met with. None of the OW knew anything real about him. Except for one, she knew he was married. He went NC with all OW on Dday #1, says he never loved any of them. He still says he loved drinking most.

He says he doesn't remember when he first slept with another woman. It's always a different answer. Sometimes, it's when our first son was 2 months old, 4 months old, 6 months old. I don't know what to believe. I'm beginning to think he may have had a PA prior to all the ones I already caught him with.

That's another thing. I had to catch him! Or else he would have never confessed. OBVIOUSLY. THREE YEARS. He was a cake eating, serial cheating alchoholic. He isn't anymore. But, I don't know how long he will stay sober. I've been asking him to go to AA/12 step. But, he's only been once and I drove him there. We have IC/MC regularly.

My question. What do you think about the different times I'm getting?? Plus, there's SO MANY gaps he refuses to explain to me. Like the juicy stuff of him lying to me and his dates. He says he'll tell me in IC. I can't account for all that lost time or put the puzzle pieces together. He won't help me.

But, honestly, I don't want him. He already broke my heart and I no longer believe in true love, it's best reserved for Disney movies and Shakesperean plays.

I thought we were in R, but eff him and eff R. I forgave him when he told me he had an EA on Dday#1. I forgave him when he told me he had a ONS with that EA on Dday#2. I even forgave him for having a year long LTA girlfriend on Dday #3. But 8 OW in 3 years, I cannot forgive.

So, the answer has been screaming inside me for 7 months. The same answer. LEAVE. I've been "trying" to R, but not really getting anywhere except torturing myself.

I told him I no longer wish to work on this marriage, that I will NEVER look at him, love him, feel for him, or trust him. EVER AGAIN. Heck, I don't even care if he eats.

Thing is, I sort of feel bad now...I feel bad for him. He's going to be a loser single weekend dad. I feel sad because I wasn't strong enough to help him become the better person I wanted him to become (sober, new job, responsible). He's been doing great at these things. But, I'm scared it won't last. AND, I'm still upset and will not accept this treatment. Even if I had a crystal ball and knew he would never do anything like this again. My first response was right. IT's TOO LATE.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:23 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

whatdoto posted 6/25/2013 10:09 AM

Hon, I'm filing for D today. Do not feel sad for him. My WH is the same weak loser of a man who will be single and have every other weekend with his DS.

And, YOU cannot help him "get better". HE has to want to do it for himself. Same as my WH, won't, can't and isn't doing anything for himself. What they don't realize is when they help themselves and do the work, they are helping us as well. They don't see it that way, do they?

Just focus on yourself and the kids. That is all WE can do in this situation, you know?

Wow, and 8 OW in 3 years. sorry. I only know WH had one A, but suspected our first 13 yrs of M that there was some other stuff going on, just had no proof.

Stay strong, you can do this. I know it's scary..heck I'm scared and I've been down this D road twice already.

alphakitte posted 6/25/2013 10:12 AM

I feel sad because I wasn't strong enough to help him become the better person I wanted him to become (sober, new job, responsible).

First, I give you many hugs.

He MUST do it for himself. Your last phrase, that I've quoted, is your codependent thinking.

I know you know that you can't do it for him. He MUST do it for himself.

tushnurse posted 6/25/2013 10:17 AM

YOU did try, YOU did put forth the effort, YOU did the work. Funny thing is, if he isn't, won't, fakes, the work then it won't happen, and it won't be real.

His A's, His Drinking, they are both symptoms of something much deeper, and something very broken within him.

YOU CANNOT change him, only he can do that. YOU CANNOT make him get sober, and stay sober. HE has to choose that path for himseslf, not for you, not for the kids, but so HE can be healthy for HIM.

Sweetie, you have done more than many of us would have, you have nothing to regret, or be ashamed of. You will do wonderful, become stronger, be a great mom, and a Happy person. I'm willing to bet you will love not having to constantly worry about him and his choices.

((((and strength))))

libertyrocks posted 6/25/2013 10:18 AM

Thanks for sharing whatodo. I'm a little scared, but I'll be fine. Shoot, I was practically alone for 3 years anyways! Good luck today and with your D. I admire your strength.

I know, kittie, I'm ending the co-dependency cycle of my own mother and MIL.

Tushnurse. Thank you. I just thought I could do it. I really did. But, I couldn't. It's not right. I don't want my boys to look at me and think their mother allowed a man to mistreat her for so long.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:20 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Lalagirl posted 6/25/2013 10:21 AM


He MUST do it for himself.

You're stronger than me, sweetheart. You have put up with more than most would. Kudos for trying. It's time for your happiness now. Please don't beat yourself up. You're amazing.



Lalagirl posted 6/25/2013 10:23 AM

PS - as far as memory and drinking - yes, one's memory can become quite skewed...but that's just the surface of his deep-rooted issues. He probably does not remember exactly WHEN, but he sure as hell knows he DID - many, many times.

libertyrocks posted 6/25/2013 10:25 AM

Thank you, LaLa Girl. Yes, I think so,too. I know I"m a VERY forgiving person on so many levels. But, this just turned to abuse. He had unprotected sex with 8 OW and exposed our unborn child and myself to STD's. He doesn't even know if he even has another child somewhere...He claims "no one ever came to me, they know where I work." Right.

njgal480 posted 6/25/2013 10:46 AM

There can be no chance of any real R until gets sober.
And, like the others said...he needs to want to do that for himself.
There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum- When You Love an Alcoholic.

You might want to go back and read through that thread. There are a lot of us who have dealt with both the alcohol/addiction and the infidelity.
It often goes hand in hand.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/25/2013 10:49 AM


You are sad because you are a compassionate person. He is, afterall, the father of your children. There was love for each other and that memory will always be there and it is sad that it was thrown away.

I feel sorry for your WH, too. I feel sorry for a lot of WS's. I feel sorry that they oftentimes don't realize what they have to lose until they lose it. I feel sorry for them that they finally see the light and truly are better people, but it is just too late, the damage is just too great, it can't be undone no matter how remorseful and changed they are. I feel sorry for them that they lose all the people that they do truly love and are meaningful to them. It is heartbreaking to me that they did it to themselves and they do pay a heavy price. It is a gamble they risked, sometimes without realizing it, and they lost.

libertyrocks posted 6/25/2013 10:50 AM

NJgal, Since Dday#1, he's fallen off the wagon 7 times in 7 months. That I know of...He's trying. But, he won't do the 12 step for some reason. He always makes up an excuse not to go. Thank you for info.

Your's is the only post that made me bawl, sister. Thank you for your kind words.

But this hit home the most:

"but it is just too late, the damage is just too great, it can't be undone no matter how remorseful and changed they are"

Because he really is a changed man right now and he's trying so hard.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:52 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 6/25/2013 12:49 PM

(((libertyrocks))) You gave it your best shot. That's all we can really do. This process is so hard, that it often feels like torture. Don't be hard on yourself (I know easier said than done).

I know you will find peace and happiness. Your strength is amazing!

nowiknow23 posted 6/25/2013 13:05 PM

Sending you strength, liberty. Keep focusing on you and your kids. ((((hugs))))

Chefj9 posted 6/25/2013 14:08 PM

just wanted to send hugs

Sending postive energy and prayers your way.

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