H and I are S, but I'm starting to think about this topic...
Thanks in advance for responding,
If you want them to quit stabbing you in the back, then you need to quit handing them the knife.
Since I was very young, I cannot remember precisely about any fighting going on - I only remember the custody battles afterward, which were very heated and extremely litigious. I think that it was the endless round of court cases and badly-disguised venom from BOTH parents that hurt me more than anything. I have no doubt, after these things, that divorce was absolutely the best thing they could have done.
I would advise anyone thinking of divorce to make it as clean a break, with as LITTLE drama as possible. I still have horrible memories of my parents arguing in court, anguished phone calls to lawyers, battles over visitation, etc. My father once called DSS on my mother alleging sexual abuse (not true) - there are a litany of things I will never forgive him for, but THAT is at the top of the list.
Divorce ended up being very painful for me, but in the end it was still most likely the best thing that could have been done. God only knows what further dysfunction I would have had if they'd stayed together.
[This message edited by Fireball72 at 10:22 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]
My son is a child of divorce and as Fireball72 has said we made it clean with very little drama. He gets to love and spend quality time with both his parents whenever he wants, we don't talk crap about each other in front of him. He learned that sometimes things dont' work out but that people can be mature and respectful of each other regardless.
When a child sees their parents fighting and arguing and being unhappy all the time, they have the uncanny ability to blame themselves for the parents anger and unhappiness. If the parents aren't together, then theoretically they will fight less and cause less trauma to the kids.
Did you ever wish your parents would have stayed together
Not even sure how to answer this, since it makes no sense in my context.
My mother was an abusive alcoholic who went on to marry a series of alcoholics. At age 4, my real father left me with my abusive mother and did not return to the picture until I was an adult. As a child, all I witnessed was drunkenness and domestic violence (both my mom and stepfather would frequently beat the shit out of each other) followed by divorce. My parents stay together?...What a joke.
For my FWW, her father abandoned their family at an early age by running off with the OW. Her mother blamed the kids for the father leaving, and after several years of failed suicide attempts in front of my FWW, finally had a complete breakdown and was committed.
My children were the main reasons I fought so hard for R. I had a an extremely strong desire for my children to grow up in a happy two parent home, where alcohol addiction, infidelity and domestic violence would have no part in their lives. I wanted to break the cycle for my children so they would never have to face what their Mother and I went through.
I beat the damn affair and kept my family together. I have had to deal with worse things than my wife hooking up with some young, buff, stud for a couple years. My children do not know about the affair, and if I can help it, they never will.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:01 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]
They separated for he second time when I was 14. When thy got back together I told my mom she was out of her mind to take him back.
Thy separated for good when I was 19. My dad had been cheating with a woman at work.
My mom is bitter to this day. I wish they had divorced the first time since their toxic marriage hurt all of us kids badly, and maybe my mom could have healed.
My dad did have an A when I was small, and my mom and he decided to work through it, and stay together. Thing is they didn't deal with whatever the real issue was, instead my dad submitted to my mom, doing anything and everything she asked for, she was somewhat abusive. Not physically, but very angry, and spite driven. He tended to drink lots, I suspect to escape and tolerate her wrath much of the time, and then the drinking would be an issue. They had a rough time when I was in my early teens, 11-14. I don't know if there was another A, or what, but it was ugly. Yelling screaming, mom leaving in her car angry, all the dysfunctional drama.
I can tell you I wished many times that they would just D and be done with it, didn't care where I lived just that it would be nice to not live in a house with the constant tension.
Funny thing is, I married a very strong, almost controlling man, who is kind, but stern, and I tend to be more laid back, and a people pleaser (formerly co-dependent). I do try to keep peace most of the time.
My sister is just the opposite, she married a man that she totally controls, and quite honestly doesn't really care if he is there or not. They don't seem to have a close relationship, haven't slept together for 20+ years, but I see a lot of my Mom in her. A lot of my dad in him (he does not drink). I see a lot of my dad in me, and I see some of the characteristics of my mom in my H, but overall we are pretty dang happy, and have a happy household.
So I guess at the end of the day knowing that they loved us, and each other, we saw dysfunction, and learned ways to deal or not deal with it, and it has helped us to learn to be happy. If they had D'd, and we didn't experience it, I don't know that we would be as well adapted as we are now.
WOW that went a bit deeper than I thought it would.
I do have a friend that managed to D amicably, and her and her X spouse have a good relationship, and do a great job co parenting. They are happy well adjusted kids. I guess it really is situational.
I come from a divorced family...I would classify my parents as divorced and unhappy. My dad remarried, really nice lady, and has some good times of late...but he went through a very dark time after the divorce....basically disappeared from my life to the east coast...I went to see him when I was 21...he has since rejoined our lives somewhat. Mom never dated or remarried..still angry.
Turns out I have abandonment issues due to the disappearance of my dad. my wife is also from a divorced family.
My parents appeared happy to us kids...up until about 1 year before the divorce...then financial strain and dads affair took its toll on our family. So I basically thought my parents were good, no tension in the house, and then it was gone.
Wifes experience was the opposite...tension in the house, divorce should have come sooner for them.
Summary...IMO divorce simply moves the pain and suffering from one center to another...but neither provides true relief and joy.
Exception to this? If there is actual abuse going on...then it is time to leave.
God bless us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:00 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
I didn't miss my father.
Mom remarried and we had a really big family.
I am GLAD she divorced my father.
My advice, if you are thinking D, do it and don't drag it out, heal yourself before you ever think of being with anyone else ever again.
[This message edited by tired girl at 11:40 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
Kids know if their parents are unhappy.Children know more then they get credit for.
A child may be hurt and upset to begin with when parents separate, but isnt it better than to be living in an unhappy house???
For my situation with my WH i do think my past helped me know what i need for me and the kids.Read my profile.
We are in R and things are going ok but if i ever get to the point were i feel its not working I would kick him out. My kids are what important and in this situation whats the options...
1- stay together and really try and make it work. Do whatever it takes.
2- separate and yeah the kids will hurt and will be effect but in the short term with the right support and help from both parents.
3- Stay in an unhappy house were arguing happens daily etc.
A few things i would like to share from my childhood and from now.
Please BS never badmouth you WS(no matter how much you want to) in front of, too or in ear range of the children.
Its a terrible feeling for them.They feel torn up already with reliving it with hearing their other parent do that.
Remember they are also dealing with this betrayal and also need someone to talk to.
Most of all let them know how much both parents love them and also its ok to be part of their dads/moms lives. That that is what you want, for them to have a relationship with your WS.
And try to be polite to each in-front of them.
I knew myself what my SD, and even my dad was like, i was there,had/have memories,and it was hard to deal with in my own head with hearing its from others.
To be clear, there was no abuse going on. My Dad started having an affair, instead of handling the problems in my parents marriage. He was immature and had married very young, at the age of 17.