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My SIL (her H is STBX's brother) has been one of my confidantes from the beginning. We initially bonded over our toxic MIL and I felt safe sharing the details of our M with her. She has been a great support.

Now that the D is started and STBX is looking like he will turn nasty, I am worried that she will tell her H everything, he will relay that to his brother (my STBX), and my STBX will be able to use this to hurt me in the D process.

Am I just spinning my wheels here, or is there anything in particular I can do to do some damage control?

I would let your attorney know if there is something in particular you are worried about.

I would ask your SIL to please keep everything you've told her in confidence. Beyond that, there's nothing you can do, and worrying won't help.

Even if your STBX found out everything you said to your SIL, I doubt it would carry any weight in terms of the divorce proceedings. Judges don't care about that sort of drama. It's normally very dry, just about who makes how much for the purposes of alimony and child support, and also about full disclosure of assets so that things are divided fairly.

The process is so stressful. Hang in there.

Is what you told her true? If so, no worries.

Did you tell her in an attempt to destroy your STBX? Or were you instead merely confiding in her as is the established nature of your relationship?

Yes, you should tell your atty everything. However, it is also true that judges really don't give a shit about anything disgusting & salacious. They really do only seem to care about division of assets & custody, and the less you involve them in that the better.

I would unplug yourself from that loop until the D is over. I had to do this with someone I considered a very close friend, unfortunately, she is married to ex-shat's best friend and so the information would dribble out. It can't be helped.

I don't think you need damage control either. At least, not likely. The only circumstances under which a judge will give a crap is if it seemed like the children were going to be harmed in some way, or maybe if you were hiding money or something. Like "ha ha... stbx will never see the $2.5 million I have in the Caymans!" Or "don't tell stbx, but the kids and I are moving to Costa Rica next week", or "man, since stbx has been gone, I've had the worst time with this blow habit"

If it is nothing like this, the worst that will likely happen is that you've created unnecessary family drama.