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WVgirl posted 6/25/2013 10:54 AM

Let me start off by saying my journey has been full of ups and downs and I don't think my view on people will ever be the same.

I met my H in high school and we have been together for 14 years. We have lived through money strain, military deployments, children, college, and now this A. By no means do I think my husband is innocent. However, my husband is a guy who never looks at porn, never been to a strip club nor wants to, does not drink, smoke, or look at other women. He always drools over cars and looks at them online. He is too nice to people and other people do take advantage of him. I feel this view I have on him has me fighting between what I know and how horrible I want to believe he is.

My DD was this past Jan. I found out that he had been engaged in the A off and on for over a year. The OW is 10 years older than me, heavier, has more kids but she is single mom. My H said their relationship started off as a friendship bc they bonded over the fact they both served in the military, even though she was never deployed. Anyway, he than started doing odd jobs around her house that I was unaware of. He knew I would get upset. Which now he realizes would have been a good thing. Then one day while over there she came on to him and started messing with him. Before he knew it the affair started. He said he was stressed and filled with guilt all the one time and couldn't bring himself to tell me.

The OW started threatening him that she or her bff would tell me what was going on if he didnt full fill her needs. He said over the course of the years they hooked up maybe 8 times and half those times his needs were not met.

I knew he had been hiding something but didnt know what. One night I wasnt feeling well and went to sleep on the couch. His phone had gone off and it was the OW texting him. I confronted her at her work and she started out saying that it was a friendship gone too far then later she texted me and said it was very intimate and she loved him but he never told her he loved her or wanted to leave me.

I found out that she goes after unavailable men all the time. I dont understand why anyone would deliberately do this.

I am 6 months out and have recently had lots of days where I feel inadequate and depressed. Days where I still just cry and cannot believe that the only person I have ever trusted broke that. I am introverted and it makes me want to be shut off even more. Some day I look at my H and feel like I couldn't imagine my life without him and other times I want him to leave. Do any of you feel that way?

How do we move on? He has been so trustful and I have full access to his text which he does not delete, the cell phone logs located on the online account to make sure hes not lying, his emails, and fb. Does he sound like one who is likely to be a repeat offender?

[This message edited by WVgirl at 10:57 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Deeply Scared posted 6/25/2013 12:31 PM

WVgirl...

I wanted you to know that I read your story and I'm glad you reached out. I'm confident you will find alot of solid advice here

MovingUpward posted 6/25/2013 13:59 PM

Many do feel the ups and downs of healing. We often call it a rollercoaster. Unfortunately a key ingredient to healing is TIME. A dreaded 4-letter word for many.

How do you move on? The best way to move on is to address the causes and work on what failed. Your H has to own his choices and work to rebuild the trust that he had.

You asked if he could be a repeat offender and there was something you said that tells me his boundaries have a weakness. The weakness is being too nice. There are times when people go too far and you can't be nice. You can't allow yourself to feel compelled to be nice. Your H was unable to say "no" for whatever reason. He either needs to learn to say no or to avoid situations where he might have to say "no". He might find always being in public, never conversing long with a lady when you aren't part of the conversation, etc. to be good boundaries to have if he can't say "no". From what you have said it doesn't appear that he will likely cheat, but to continue going forward without addressing the causes does leave the opportunity.

2oldforthis posted 6/25/2013 14:37 PM

Welcome WVgirl. I am sorry that you are here.

I wish I could tell you that if you did this one thing, just this one thing that it would all go away. I am sorry to say, that it takes time.

Time to find out if he is totally committed to your marriage. Time for you to go thru all the ups and downs. Everything you are feeling is normal.

It will take time for him to show that he can be trust worthy.

The words you used to describe your WS sounds so much like how I would have described my WS. I am sure it is hard for you because he is someone that you thought would not be capable of doing this.

Has he told the OW he is going to not have any further contact with her?

You can read about no contact letters in the healing library.

WVgirl posted 6/25/2013 15:29 PM

Movingupward He came to the realization during one of our MC sessions that he is too nice to people and he has agreed there will be no text, contact, messaging,or talking to other women with out me being present. He says he knows he cannot trust women to play the close friend role again. We will see if he can live up to this life style being the kind-hearted person he is.

2oldforthis After my dd he stopped talking to her and blocked her cell phone number. After beginning MC i found that it was vital for me to see that is was really over by him letting her know that. We messaged her together and she retorted with playing the victim. He never goes to her place of employment and does not want to go there unless I am with him. However, people he works with have gone into her place of employment and she tries to say that he ruined her life and such. From the confrontation I had with her on DD I see that she is one of those women who wants to play victim and act entitled and everyone else it to blame for her misery.

[This message edited by WVgirl at 3:32 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

cantgetup posted 6/25/2013 20:40 PM

WVgirl:up until now, i have not read of a situation similar to mine. Now I have. My H too also started A by going over to OW house to do some repairs. This too, because he is a nice guy (but clearly was a jerk to me--don't get it). Voted nicest guy in HS. Doing favors for everyone left and right. Offering to help no matter the task. Yet, my house has dripping faucets, squeaky doors and a broken dishwasher. Like the old time story of the cobbler's kids who had no shoes. That's me. This isn't why he had A, this is just him. So I relate to that. His A also started after several trips to perform repairs at her house. He always told me about side jobs he was doing. This one, he never did. So he knew. She came on to him. I don't know if it was so much he couldn't say no as it was easy. He walked out two times before he went for it. Jerk. He scores no brownie points for that. He too only had hook ups with her. Over the course of 9 months to a year there were 6 hook ups with guilt, shame and disgust in between. Each time that wore off, allowing the next hook up. No gifts. No dates, no conversations, no phone calls. Did it in the dark of the morning before work, pulled his pants up and left.She too was older than me,single, never married, no kids. Couldn't understand what was in it for either of them. Still can't. I wrote here too asking to hear from those with similar stories. Although I received great advice, there weren't many stories like mine at the time.

So to finish off my story since I am about to finish my second year of this, he assured this was the only time. Never happened before. Although they all say it will never happen again, I outwardly don't say it, but deep down I believe it. He had no clue -- Zero--about what the fallout would be. I see that he sees now. I don't listen to his words. I just observe and although I have my moments of waiting for the other shoe to drop, I honestly don't think it will. He never used porn either. Went to a strip club once when he was a bachelor. Doesn't go to bars and rarely drinks. No obvious flags I could see---other than he is over friendly with everyone, women included (in the past)which I would say was his boundry he failed miserably at. I don't think he thought this could ever happen. And it did.

I am now shut off from the world. I don't trust anyone. I view everyone with a cynical eye. I'm not carefree, loving and I rarely smile. I hate this about me and I'm working on it, but he knows he fundamentally changed who I was. I told him the daughter my mother gave birth to died (unfortunatly this all happend as my mother was dying from cancer---Jerk). That girl is gone and left is someone completely different.

To answer your ultimate question---will he re-offend-I hope not. It's more what he is doing now than it is the circumstances of his A-although i think there are A situations which will predict future behavior. As I said, our stories are similar and I don't BELIEVE my H will do it again based on A situation and what he is doing now.