We have no formal agreement for visitation because that is what he wanted. No papers. No divorce. We were common law. He has seen them 4% of the time this year so far with only 2 overnights. He leaves his time open to travel to Europe to see MOW and her son.
It's a hassle to deal with him last minute when he wants to see them but I have to do it so infrequently it's become tolerable.
She is apparently divorcing and he is seriously considering moving to her country.
He wants her to meet his kids now. She is coming here in July around her birthday and he is taking her on yet another vacation that we talked about doing before DDay when the kids were older. I have told him I don't want her to meet them since she is still married, lives across the ocean and has never expressed a desire to meet them. I still don't think his relationship is stable. I don't think it will last but he obviously does. No surprise there.
He on the other hand has vacationed with her son so I guess that is why he thinks it's ok.
He wants to meet together with the kids and talk about it.
I asked if they were getting married and no answer. Shocker.
My anxiety level has just shot through the roof. We are texting now about this.
I told him I was against this. My reasons and somehow he thinks that I agreed for her to meet them.
I know I am lucky that she doesn't live here and I don't have to put up with the horrible visitation shit that others here have to deal with.
I'm probably all over the place here and not making much sense but I'm freaking out here.
I knew this day would come but I can't believe that the kids will meet the woman who tore their world apart.
I don't even have the luxury to think that it's ok as long as she's nice to them. I can't stand it.
[This message edited by Lola2kids at 11:49 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]
No. Not even no - Hell no. Until the two of you are on the same page about it? The kids have no business being in the discussion. Period.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
I want him to go and be with her and leave me alone.
I want him to forget I ever existed. If he sees the kids, fine. I don't want him anywhere around me and I have made that abundantly clear.
I told him it doesn't matter what I think, he will barrel over my wishes as usual.
He said it does matter what I think and I told him that was not apparent to me.
He made his decision. He chooses her. Over me and over his children. It's happened over and over again.
He can't pretend now that they matter. There are too many examples of when she was put first. Even over himself and he was the most important person always. Narcissist that he is.
I don't want to cry over this asshole anymore.
As for meeting MOW, you know there isn't much you can do about this. I hate saying that but unless you have an X that is easily guilted or bullied into during the right thing...well, you know, he's just going to do what he wants and feel oh so justified in it. FTG.
Stop texting this fucker.
Not before a co-worker saw me in tears and asked what was wrong.
I'm ok now. Calmed myself down.
I already told him once that I knew he would ignore my wishes, have the girls meet her, I would find out later, he would appologize and think everything was ok (because an insincere appology always works you know) and the result is he got what he wanted. That is his M.O. My IC says I have his number. It doesn't make it any easier. I know I have it so much better than others here. He is mostly absent and pays CS. It's still really hurtful even after 2 years.
I raged against it - begged and pleaded with him to not change their worlds so soon. I berated him for his idiotic decisions, reminded him of his poor impulse control.
I pointed out how fucked up it all was - that it was way to soon and what damage it would do.
All to no avail. Just gave him ego kibbles.
In his mind he is no longer broken - evidenced by the fact that he is now in a loving relationship. It is completely lost on him that this 'healthy' relationship happened during his M.
The fucker thought this was a reaction as a wife. No - it was a reaction as a mum.
OWUmpteen is welcome to him not to my girls. But there is/was nothing I could do.
Sometimes we need to surrender to this stuff lest it make us crazy. The only thing I loathe more than those whores being around my precious girls is someone being unkind to them. As long as she or the next or the next iteration of her is not unkind to my girls I will leave them to their pathetic attempts at the insta-family.
He recently corrected my 5 year old and told her that we were still married - all whilst imposing OWUmpteen on them. I'll never understand how he could wilfully do this damage to my girls. Never.
This has reared it's ugly head again.
He has been trying to call me. I jump every time I hear his ring tone (Darth Vader's Theme).
I let it go to voicemail. He says he wants to meet to talk to me about something important. Well, he says, something more important to him than to me.
What?
I text back asking for him to be more specific about the topic of the discussion.
He calls me at lunch when I was out of the office. I picked up.
He is engaged. Yep, they are getting married and he wants her to meet the kids when she comes here for a week for her birthday.
She is divorced and they are engaged. Their love is real as Marzipan used to say.
She still lives in Switzerland, she has a job there. He lives here. He says they will be married eventually.
He says that he asked the girls if they would like to meet her and they said yes, if it's ok with mommy.
Well, it's not. They still live thousands of miles away from each other and only see each other every 6 weeks or so. I think they will marry so that he can move there. I'm hoping that will happen.
I don't think I can stop the meeting from happening but I am looking for suggestions to have it be more on my terms. I want to have some control.
I am so upset. I yelled at him that I hate his fucking guts.
Good thing I have IC today.
[This message edited by Lola2kids at 12:33 PM, July 8th (Monday)]
He is in fanasty island land. Again, "who do that"? She must be an naive or something.....
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"
Apparently her divorce was final just a few days ago. She then told dumb ass that she cannot remain unmarried. She thinks that her job requires being married because she is a high level executive (otherwise people might think she gave blow jobs to get where she is, not so sure that's not true with her track record.) So dumb ass ex was basically given an ultimatum.
What a great way to start a lovely life together.
Fuck that Guy and the whore he road in on.
I just can't get over that he will marry her. He will do it.
He said he never wanted to marry again after his marriage broke up when his wife cheated. He said that it was just a piece of paper and that you can be committed without the ceremony. I fell for that. Now I just can't stop thinking that he just didn't want to marry me. It wasn't marriage he was against it was marrying me.
I guess I'm lucky in a way that we never did. It was surprisingly easy to untangle our 12 year "relationship".
I have to move on from this. I hope they have all the happiness they deserve.
And honestly? It's not you. He's put a lot of time, money, and effort into sustaining this fairy tale with her. She's a smart cookie, no doubt about it. She saw how easily he left you. She's pretty much tying him to the mast, and if her ship sinks now that her rich husband's gone, your husband's going down with it. Your ex got trapped but good with her.
Think about this: he's going to marry her and move there, essentially being supported by her. How long do you think Madame Executive is going to put up with that before getting bored and, gee, I don't know -- having an affair? And there'll be your poor ex-pumpkin, trapped legally and powerless. Once their divorce is final, he'll be sent back "home." He'll have lost twice.
And this is why you need that custody stuff updated ASAP. He's going to self-medicate by trying to improve his image, and your children will be props for that. Don't allow it.
I lost it when the sad clown told me he was ready to introduce 24 y/o OWUmpteen to my girls 20 weeks after S. He got so many ego kibbles from that he had to move 4 loops out on his ego belt.
Focus on what you have a shot at achieving via legal channels. You are beating a dead horse trying to reason with him and you are arming him with a device to torture you with.
You need to surrender to that which you can't impact via legal channels.
Surrender. Or we will go through this with every iteration of their latest "the one".
These are the shards of glass in these shit sandwiches we and our children have to eat. I know how much it hurts honey. I really do.
Anyone/everyone is welcome to him - NONE are welcome to my children. If I am forced to endure that then I have to comfort myself with the hope that they are not unkind to them.
((Lola2kids)) The stupidity is astonishing. The recklessness is astonishing. The cruelty is astonishing. Even after all they've done these betrayals beyond infidelity are still astonishing.
I will look for a consult with a family lawyer about custody. Basically my consult with the lawyer when we split was encouraging. She said "let him move away and let him ask for the kids to be sent to him. You have no obligation to send them and he has no legal recourse to make you send them." I know that CS would be sitting here waiting for him to return. It would accumulate while he is gone and not paying it. He currently pays it by direct deposit to my bank account bi-weekly from his dad's bank account (which he basically uses as his slush fund.) His dad only has a small pension from his country of origin that does not go into this account.
I guess it's time for a google session for family lawyers.
Honestly, I keep thinking that he just told me they are engaged because one of my objections to her meeting the kids was that they are not really in a long term relationship since they are long distance. He thinks that telling me they are engaged changes something. But really, if his lips are moving, he's lying right?
I don't know how to do that neat highlighting box, so I did quotes.
This occurs with STBXH and I call it bullying-as does my lawyer. It's a horrible, wretched feeling that makes me feel like I have no value as a person.
STBXH here speaks of OW meeting "our" children and I cannot bear it.
I am in awe of people like you who have crossed that line or are stepping up to the marker to do so...I simply cannot fathom it.
FWIW, I am intending to refuse to meet "it", have you had to meet OW in the case of your Ex?
I have no idea why people seem to think that this is fine but they do and I don't understand why people think it's fine to go so against the other parent's wishes. That term "co parenting" makes me turn beat red with anger, because it really isn't, most of the time.
STBXH here tried to have the visitation without papers, too, but once I filed, that's not allowed in our state because in order to have it go through, it needs a visitation schedule...(been changed every few months and driving DD nuts!)
Anyway, I don't know if any actual advice will come out of my reply and I'm sorry to waste an entry if not, but I wanted to come on and show empathy and sorrow for your situation.
I've heard of several people who have crossed this point and tell me they have panic and don't sleep for a long while later-years, for some, until their children come back.
So far, I've been able to hold off on DD being brought "there" and this is in the papers we have, but I can't always stand in the way of DD having to meet "It".
My hope is that it will wait til she is old enough to know the truth of the whole thing and will recognize that it's a bad situation, but the lies they both tell could also be told DD.
It's all wretched and I'm sorry, Lola.
I wish you had a lawyer, even if you don't have divorce papers and were common law married. I understand that part, but have also heard of family lawyers and I'm going to ask if you've considered hiring one of these or a free consult?
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
-George Washington
He has friends that have met her and they describe her as very cold and arrogant.
He never wanted to go to a lawyer for the separation. We settled the property through a real estate lawyer. No connection financially. He never wanted a formal custody and visitation agreement because he did not want to commit to a set schedule. As per my documentation he has had them 4% of the time so far this year and only 2 overnights (with his parents present to help). I saw no need to have a formal agreement when he so rarely sees them.
The only reason for me to lawyer up is to get sole leagal custody. He would fight that. He does not want me to exclude him from decision making for the kids.
I'm not sure what the best thing is to do?
She thinks that her job requires being married because she is a high level executive (otherwise people might think she gave blow jobs to get where she is, not so sure that's not true with her track record.)
What an absolutely fabulous reason to get married. It shouldn't be because you love someone and want to make a lifelong commitment or anything
Unfortunately, I had the D-day of the cheating and then a D-day about a month later when I realized that he had involved the kids without me knowing and had been having them lie to me about it.. The second D-day was so much worse, I can't even tell you how pissed and shocked I was
I'm not sure the best thing you should do here either.. I guess I would tell you to try to be reasonable as best you can.. For 5 months after we separated, my POS was taking them 5 overnights a month, not even asking for more. Then he shocked me at mediation saying he wanted 50/50 time sharing, and he got it.. He had been telling me I was "keeping the kids" from him, but I told him to show me one text or email where I refused to let him have the kids, and he couldn't.. I couldn't refuse him when he wasn't even asking me for them!!
Obviously, emotionally, meeting this OW is not a great idea for the kids; but legally, I don't know, I would say if he gives you a reasonable timeframe for when he's picking them up, I think a judge would want you to allow him to have them..
I don't know why they don't get that part. I get accused of being jealous all the time, and he just can't get it through his thick skull that having MOW around all the damn time and sleeping there, etc., is NOT good for the kids this soon after we separated, and are still married! These fuckers really do only think about themselves and have no idea (or don't care) about the damage they are causing to the kids..
Good luck girl.. All of this really REALLY sucks.. Hugs..
It infuriates me.
He tried to call again to see if we are ok. Went to VM. There was a severe thunder storm last night and power was out in our area. We never lost power but his condo did. There was flooding in several areas as well.
I have absolutely no desire or intention to talk to him in person ever again if I can help it. NC is easy when you have nothing to say to a person whatsoever.
Whilst that is absolutely true in the sense that we all deserve to be happy, where it all goes pear-shaped is that their 'happy' is and always has been at anothers' expense. Completely selfish. As long as they're 'happy' who gives a fuck about anyone else. They don't believe that this amount of change so fast is damaging for kids. Anyway, they are 'happy' so their kids must be happy too.
They don't care about the damage anyway - they need to be 'happy'.
My 5 year old likes OWUmpteen but still tells me she is sad that she is around all the time. She is sad that he doesn't have dinner with them when they're there but always has dinner with OWUmpteen.
At 5 she already knows she is not a top priority in his life. That shit kills me.
Our time with them is limited yet he still chooses to split himself between them and OWUmpteen. He diddles on his computer or diddles his whore during his time - time that I could be cherishing them and making them feel cherished.
They do the insta-family thing because it helps them validate their choices. You see it here time and time again. I also know that my girls will have to bond with and lose the next iteration of 'the one' over and over again every 2-5 years.
I have to say I would feel very uneasy if I didn't have a formal agreement in place. It means he could flit in/out of their lives as he pleases then all of a sudden insist on 50/50.
