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Newest Member: Pollybr (61080)

User Topic: Should we seperate or not?
Lost n Confused
♀ 28936
Member # 28936
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure what to do anymore. Hereís some background we are both 52 and have been married 32 years, DD was 4 years ago. Since then we have had our ups and downs and worked really hard to get the marriage back on track but over the last 6 months or so we have been on a downward spiral. I quit smoking for better health 3 years ago but in turn I gained 40 lbs. which neither of us like. I hate the way I look and feel which brings me down and heís worried I wonít be able to do as much with the weight gain which to be honest it has affect me already. Iíve have half ass (I have to admit) diet/exercised but not as much as I should. Between work, family and being tired I canít seem to find the time to exercise and having to cook 2 different meals is a big pain.

There has been a lot of other things going on in the past couple of years that have really tested us. We have lost 3 family members out of the blue since January 2012, a nephew, a sister in law, WH mother and we just found out his dad had stage 3 bladder cancer and prognosis is not good. Husband has been diagnosed as Bi-Polar and both our sons have been dealing with depression and one tried to commit suicide but with hospital stays the right meds seems to be doing better just wonít get a job so we are still supporting him at 23 which has been a financial strain on us. So to say weíve been tested is an big understatement. But through it all we have held onto each other we are best friends, we are both the love of our lives, but lately we seem to be falling apart. We are fighting a lot more, I admit Iím overly sensitive about everything right now and he is so eat up with guilt over all that heís done to me that we both keep talking about needing a separation.

My dilemma is neither of us really wants to separate but we both keep bringing it up and we just feel we need a break to figure out what we both want. Any advice on if we should or shouldnít. We both just so tired of it all. We are both so tired we can't think straight right now.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2010
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I relate to so much of this. For me, having a young child is a tether. If we didn't, I'd probably be closer to the edge like you.

We're seeking out intensive MC to help us sort through the piles of baggage that have crept up in the last year. I'm hoping that this will breathe new life into our efforts.

Would you guys consider getting back into counseling after all this time? I know that from the outside it looks daunting, but every time I get into counseling I definitely feel some relief.

I'm also having my IC revisit my issues with depression. It sounds like you might need to look into that as well.... I'm not saying this to judge, I just recognize so well the cloud that seems to be hanging over you, and I'd love to help you find a way to clear it.

Sending hugs and strength.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Lost n Confused
♀ 28936
Member # 28936
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Yes we have had MC just recently as a matter of fact and my WS still does IC but with our work schedules, he works nights I work days it so hard for us to go.

As for depression I'm on meds for it but my need to revisit the DR to change them. But I agree with you it could very well be that.

I'm ready to try anything.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2010
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in spite of your schedules that you need to carve time out every week for MC. Make it a priority. I know you have your hands full but if you both want to work on the marriage then its a must. Sending you good thoughts

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.

Posts: 1849 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
♀ 20001
Member # 20001
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In terms of your diet, look into the new strategy where you diet for only 2 days of each week, and eat normally for the other 5. You pick 2 days (say Monday and Wednesday) where you have only 500 calories each day (split over 2 meals).

Even doctors are raving about this intermittent fasting method, they say it has proved to be a huge boost to overall health besides helping to lose weight. Look up 'the fast diet' or 'the 5:2 diet' for more info. This may help in that you won't have to think about dieting every day.

(Just don't compensate by eating more on the non-diet days like I do )

[This message edited by ScubaGirl at 1:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

BW (me) - 52
FWH - 53
D-Day - 13 May 2007
Started R - 12 Sept 2007
2011 - as solid as I want us to be

Posts: 199 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: London, UK
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...having to cook 2 different meals is a big pain.

Or he eats what you eat to be supportive and reduce the temptation to you. In fact exercising together is a great activity to improve health and spend time together.

Consider some tough love for the 23 year old. At the very least you and Mr. L&C should not be doing housework, lawn mowning, car washing, etc while you are supporting adult child.

Bi-polar I am sure is tough. Is he under medfical care and do the medications work? Is he compliant in taking them?

Finally, give yourself a break. Draw abck from everyone else's issues and make sure there is you time to take care of yourself.

btw, congrats on quitting smoking. No easy feat.

dday 10.5.09

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
♀ 26893
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cut your son loose. At 23, you need to not enable him. He needs to learn to deal with his mental problems for himself.

Now, before you think I'm heartless, I have a very severe case of bipolar disorder myself. So, I have nothing but his best interest at heart by saying this. He needs to be forced to deal with his problems. If he's got a crutch, he'll use it.

As for the weight, you need to put yourself first. You just do. Your children are grown, oh, and so is your husband, who must alsoi figure out how to deal with his bipolar for himself.

I'm not sure why you think you're responsible for all these other grown adults? Is is a control thing? Learned co-dependence?? You're absolutely NOT.

Advice on separating? If you love each other then no. Get some IC for yourself to figure out why you feel so responsible for others and cut it out. With grown children "work, family and being tired" and no time to exercise and having to cook two meals should only be work and possibly tired. How much do you work? If you work less than 60 hours a week then you should be able to make time to exercise, and the more you exercise and eat healthy the less tired you will be.

Cook for yourself and make your husband responsible for himself. You can tell him what you're going to have and offer to make it for him too, if you'd like, but you don't have to.

Finally, there is a lot to be said for pre-packaged diet plans. I've done Medifast with a TON of success. I've heard good things about other plans as well, but it certainly cuts out cooking, and makes the initial weight loss phase a no-brainer. You have to learn how to maintain later, but you have the motivation of having/keeping the weight off at that point.

And, gently, you really do deserve better than a cheating bipolar man who would suggest you are anything other than beautiful ever, especially when you're dealing with so much. 40 pounds isn't a miserable amount. I've had 5 kids so I've gained more than that (and lost it) multiple times. If you're consistent you can lose 40 pounds in 5 months or less.

BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Lost n Confused
♀ 28936
Member # 28936
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We don't do a lot for out son the only thing I do for the whole family is cook, he does he's own laundary, cleans the kitchen after dinner and helps me with dinner goes to the store for me and anything else we may need him to do.

For WHs bi-polar he had been on meds for the last 2 years and I think they finally got the combination right. It made a big, big differenct.

As for putting myself first on loosing weight. That is something I'm trying to learn to do I was raise very old fashion and trying to break that mold.

As for us going to MC together regularly it's kind of difficutlt I leave the house one week at 7:15 AM the other at 5:30 AM and I alway's get home at 5:15 PM. He leaves for work at 7:15 PM and get's home between 8-9 AM. We ofter refer to our selves as two ships passing in the night. We have a total of 2 hours a day and all day Sunday together. It's not a problem of making time to go to the MC it's having the time.

[This message edited by Lost n Confused at 2:52 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jun 2010
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand the timing issue with work. Making it a priority is not the issue. It sucks. The only thing I can think of is...
--Anyone you can see on Sundays? A few ICs I interviewed had staggered schedules and some weekend hours. If you explain your situation, they might comply, even if just every other week - or they may be able to refer you to someone who has weekend hours.
--How about 6pm? Again, there might be a therapist willing to do that a few times a month.

Honestly, I wouldn't separate. Any marriage would be limping in this situation of health issues, deaths, etc. Add to it the fact that you hardly see each other (and don't have support since the other isn't there when you might need it), and it is a tough recipe. In my opinion, I would try changing some things first and see if you can dig out of this pit. What kind of changes? Work on that weight loss. Sit down with your son and figure out a plan to get him out of the house, i.e. he has 6 months. You can be compassionate and take it slow with him. See how you and your H are doing after some positive changes and reassess.

I would also try giving each other some breathing room if that's what you really need, but under the same room

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the separation option really just an escape plan? You guys have so much going on, that running away is probably looking like the best option. Run from the pain of losing family members, run away from the weight issues, run away from the 23-yo son you are still supporting, run away from the stress of working two different's just a huge load of stress to deal with.

Is there some other thing maybe A related that has been surfacing in the last six months? Something that may have been put off initially but now is resurfacing?

I'm a runner. I prefer to just take off instead of deal with stress, even though I know that running away doesn't make the stress go away. That's what I think is going on with you guys right now.

WH - 46 (crap...)
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6114 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Tri-Cities
Topic Posts: 10

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