Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Please stop me from contacting the "Not OW"

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Jennifer99 posted 6/25/2013 13:59 PM

FYI - WH still in fog of EA.
I've posted some already.
At this point I am feeling an incredibly urge to call up the job he supposedly got fired from for harassing her and to try and contact HER via the facebook page I found.

In fact, I would really love to be able to tell him that she and I had lunch or something.

If it is true he is so madly in love with her and she did nothing but be her wonderful self to encourage this to a point he is willing to throw away his 19 year relationship and happiness of his son then I would REALLY like him to either tell the truth about more of a PA if there was one or hear from this unrequited EA that he is STUPID.

I feel like I'm about to jump off a bridge and just want someone to tell me not to. But I haven't talked to fam or friends about this so I have no one to reach out to to put the brakes on my craziness.

Holly-Isis posted 6/25/2013 14:10 PM

Well, what if you did?

Let's say it was one-sided and he was crazy enough to harass her to the point of being fired. What would happen if the wife of the crazy guy harassing her contacted her? What would happen to YOU? Likely you'd get in trouble in some way too, at the very least a stern warning from the cops.

What if it was a full blown A?

Your WH isn't being truthful or transparent with you. He's likely still in the A. It's the rare OW that will tell the truth. Mostly they will lie. Not because they want to be the OW. Oh, they usually want the BW gone. But they are convinced the BW is the enemy. That the poor WH is being kept there because of the kids...or finances...or she's threatened to kill herself.

You can't control what she does. Whether she will tell the truth or lie. The same with him. What you can control is you. What can you do to change your situation?

Identify the problem. The problem is living with a man who claims to be in love with an OW, unrequited or not. Can you change his mind? No, but you can change the situation. Start from there.

Jennifer99 posted 6/25/2013 14:19 PM



Thank you.

Jospehine85 posted 6/25/2013 15:05 PM


Have your WH given you written permission to get information from his former employer.

I know you are trying to settle in your mind whether your WH is a nut job or just a liar and cheat.

You aren't going to get that info from OW.

I am so sorry.

Jennifer99 posted 6/25/2013 15:11 PM

No. He has not. I didn't even get that far in the asking last night - just to the car? - before he walked out then tried to pretend the rest of the night that I wasn't fucking talking when he just poofed.

I would really like some answers to this because it could possibly impact my son's future and in all of this, he is the most important person.

Did I tell the part where the final straw at his employer was that he told this other female employee about his feelings for the OW/EA because this other female employee expressed an interest in him and he wanted her to leave him alone. SO this female employee went to the boss with what he said - that was the end of his work.

He worked in a location next door for a few months after that. He used to tell me that this other female employee used to try and find him at that store, seemingly to apologize.

I have that persons full name. He uses her name like a cuss word. In his mind, he could still be working with and mooning over OW/EA if it wasn't for DL (her initials). I have also found DL on facebook.

What are your thoughts about contacting DL?

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 15:22 PM

I know others might disagree with me but I say if you think it might make you feel better then I say you need to contact her.

Send her a FB message and just say..."I'm _____. I would greatly appreciate if you would speak to me about my husband and what I understand has occurred. I am simply trying to understand what occurred and would truly appreciate your point of view. Would you be willing to speak with me?"

Yes, it could be that she ignores you and it could be that she lies but it will be one less thing you wished you had done but didn't. The OW might also tell you that it was more than a EA.

Not too many people get fired because they say they like someone at work. It usually has to go much further to have a legal basis of termination. Something sounds off there.

Please don't jump off a bridge. Think of your son.
He needs his mother.

I know how distraught you are feeling but you can and will make it through, I promise.

Your husband sounds very selfish and immature. Is he in IC?

And why exactly can't he get another job?

Stay strong. You will make it.

Jennifer99 posted 6/25/2013 15:34 PM

I meant to relate contacting the OW to jumping off a bridge. Not that I will jump off a bridge. If I am not around to save my kid from the crazy who will?

There was other stuff - a gift he gave her, unwelcome, told don't; a letter he gave her, unwelcome, written up and told no more; then the conversation with DL that got him fired - all over the sept - may.

He has asked me to NOT search her on the internet and not seek her out because he is afraid of harassment charges coming next.

I am 90% sure that my "distraught" is being ramped up because I am SO mad and I'm not letting my mad out. If I could just react the way I wanted, the way my gut tells me, then I don't think I'd be distraught, I'd just be alternating between laughing at him and being sorry for him while I went on my merry way. But my head is telling me to proceed cautiously. Thats not normal for me

He is very selfish and immature and quite possibly NPD.

He quit the job after the one he was fired from because of DL stalking him there. I supported that thinking he'd get another one somewhere she wasn't visiting a lot. He never has. He's not got the most "responsible" track record. And when he does have a job he spends 100% of his $ on toys, not on me, my son, bills, or anything. So I really could care less if he works or no. Right now I have him "weeding" through his hoarding areas and trying to minimize the mess that might be left behind should I go.

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 15:44 PM


Sorry I misunderstood.

Ugh, just ugh.

I am confused. He loves another ex worker but DL loves your husband and is stalking him?

I like that you are being strong and not allowing yourself to be an option.

You and your son deserve a person in their life that is rational, responsible and honest. He doesn't sound like he is capable of any of the three (sorry).

Onward. You will make it.


Jennifer99 posted 6/25/2013 15:54 PM

The story HE told me is DL hit on him, repeatedly, he didn't know what else to do so he told her he is in love with OW.

After he was fired from there he would see DL at his new work, much more frequently than normal people would be there and kind of hanging around the area he was working in. She tried talking to him once and he walked away pretending she wasn't there.

You are right in what we deserve in our life but reality is 1) I won't be looking for anyone after this, I am physically and emotionally used up and 2) as much as I would like it to be as easy as telling a judge I think WH is crazy, please don't make my kid live with him - I have seen things happen otherwise here with one of my friends. My friend now only sees her kids in the summer and every other w/e during school because the only person that could verify her X's lies and craziness would have been his IC and that didn't happen.

The think that really makes me mad is I had my own opportunity for a A with a person who was a wonderful friend to me and I even quit being his friend because I wouldn't do that to my M and felt like continued contact even just as friends after that point was wrong.

I hear that man is very happy and so is his new wife.

BUT, I constantly use that experience to remind myself that it was that easy for me to choose my M and H and son because I am who I am and I should be happy I am not like WH.

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 17:18 PM



You are right making your son the priority, however, I hate to see you live in limbo for the rest of your life.

I totally understand not wanting to seek someone else I am simply saying living with just you and your son would be a honest life.

From what little you've mentioned not sure how a judge anywhere would give custody to a man who has been fired for "stalking" (they can subpoena HR, boss, etc) or one that doesn't have a job. He has proven he is unable to provide.

Just something to think about.

The timeline and the DL logic don't really make sense to me. But he says he is in love with OW?

Stay strong. You will make it !!!

rivenheart posted 6/26/2013 07:31 AM

Okay, so just to summarize - you think your husband is either severely delusional or has cheated on you. On top of that, he withholds information from you, uses his anger to intimidate you into backing away from seeking more information, and generally gaslights and manipulates you. Do I have that right?

See, from my perspective, the second issue up there is ultimately more important that whether he's a nut job or a cheater. Delusional or cheater are grounds for divorce all on their own, in my opinion. But by the same token, either one of these can be "managed" by a truly dedicated FWS who commits to R. But you have either a nut job or a cheater with absolutely no commitment to you, your marriage, or to R. the possible OW, or not? I guess you could. It won't really solve your main problem though, even if by some miracle she's receptive to your contact, forthcoming, honest, and turns out to have been the target of unwanted attention.

My advice is to stop chasing evidence and trying to pry answers out of him. Calm yourself and realize that you hold the balance of power in this situation. You do NOT have to put up with this and my advice is to stop doing so. Consult an attorney, start getting your ducks in a row, go 180 on his ass in a major way, and begin preparing for a different life. Maybe it'll wake his delusional ass up, maybe not. Maybe he'll start taking his problems seriously, maybe not. Maybe he'll fall all over himself to make sure you get the full truth from a source you can trust, maybe not. But this is no life for you or your child. So move towards a better one.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/26/2013 08:19 AM

what rivenheart said time ten

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.