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For those that have gone on to D, have any managed to keep the home in the settlement as a result of the infidelity.

20 years ago we built our dream home and as time goes on, I realize I don't want to leave...but want HIM to leave (he won't).

I know it is difficult to prove in most states and it does not seem to affect anything in terms of who gets what, but I wondered if anyone managed to kick out their spouse and keep the house.

I know this is a legal issue, but humor me....someone tell me they got it all because their spouse was a cheater!

HI Lost,

This is a current battle for me. We built our house ten years ago and I am hanging on to it for dear life...partly from financial problems and the rest.

That doesn't help your question, but I will respond by writing about our neighbor, who has managed to keep hers. Problem is, it is not an open-ended deal and it is not a pleasant deal.

First, she can remain in the home as long as she has physical custody of one of the kids. However, ExH there has already tried to take them away and failed and returned one when he got in trouble, lol, kind of!

The next part is that she only has until the youngest is "emancipated" or 18 or whatever legal age is in each state.

It put her in a decent position at the time DDay came around, but as time goes on, there is a daily clock ticking. She said it's nerve-wracking, on top of the other things.

What I hear now also (and this helps me think about issues as they arise) is that the ExH is very, very bitter about that money and still fighting and threatening her, several years later. Daily conversations somehow manage to bring up that he pays all their bills and he uses any avenue with which to toss it at her.

She is rather unkind to him, to be fair I suppose, insulting to him to his face and to his family and in town, where it is very small where we live and full of both of their relatives. So he also hears things on the wind, I'm sure and is continually upset by them and then takes it out on her further.

I am not certain how difficult it was to prove he cheated or if she had to. She was abandoned as we were so it may also be related to that portion of the pie.

It gives me a lot to weigh and measure, though, thinking of what it could be like years from now.

And, it's another connection she has with the guy, where if she moved, could have broken. But there was no money for her to handle a mortgage with being a fellow long term SAHM.

She amazes me in some ways, though, with the B Boots because of her strength. She simply opened the front door and tossed all his belongs out onto the yard before the locksmith came.

But she was not TT'd or anything, it was much more immediate, BOOM! in her face there stood OW.

Hope anything helps and I'm sorry to write so long.

I will be keeping the house as part of the splitting of assets in the divorce. Has nothing to do with infidelity other than we are divorcing in part due to his infidelity. On the asset comparison sheet he gets a massive amount of assets, I get the house. I could never qualify to buy one on my own (SAHM, no job, out of job market for a long time, will not ever be getting a job that pays enough to qualify for a mortgage). I could never afford to rent a house or even an apartment.

So I keep the house, he gets everything else.

Wow....Ashland 13...that is complicated......!

I should add no children in this marriage...but considerable assets in the marriage.

I would be willing to give him any and all assets (we've been together 30 years, married 15) and it is quite a lot...but I just cannot stand the thought of losing my home....I cannot afford another place like this...ever...and the idea of relocating my 5 cats is impossible.

He has a huge garage and I would be willing to let him have access to that from now until Hell froze over and other things.....if I can just keep the house....and not have to force a sale or buy him out.

I know I'm dreaming...but have to hope.

I kept the house. Negotiated it in exchange for a mutual waive of alimony, after a 30 year marriage. In Mass that would have been lifetime alimony. (Which I knew, he had no intention of paying...good to know who you are dealing with...)

So, he didn't want to pay alimony... and I was a SAHM, (now self-employed and scratching out a living.)

I let him take his toys (boat, guns, music equipment - I got the entire contents of the house, tools etc. The mortgage is lower than rent would be, with only 3 years left on it now. He signed a quit claim but his name stayed on the mortgage. I could not have qualified with no work record for 15 years.

I still get half his pension. Kept my Ira (tiny) and got his small IRA, plus health insurance for a year.

Lost&Hurt - Have the house appraised, or at least have a realtor in to do a market valuation. Deduct the mortgage owed, cost of repairs to sell, updated septic or roof if it needs doing, the cost of a realtor, sales tax, everything... cut the equity left in half to get to the bottom line of the actual amount of his share. Then value the other assets and start your trade off.

Don't trade the house for everything... (now there is some value for the bird in hand...and not having that life long connection through checks or court battles to get them...) But this is a business transaction - look at it all dollars and sense and look sharp to realistic cost/value/assets. Can you afford the mortgage, insurance, taxes, utilities, etc. on your own with other living expenses?

The danger here is what my lawyer called becoming "house poor". So don't cut off your nose to spite your face. My L was very concerned with my plan - until he realized the actual numbers, (which I had worked out and labeled on a spread sheet).

See, I am a strong believer in never seeing the ex again helps immensely with the healing process.

We had built our dream home 3 years before d-day and it broke my heart to lose it. We had to sell it. I moved into an apartment and I love it. And I never have to see him again.

I kept the house. I took advantage of his guilt, and he signed over everything.

I also had a large garage on the property that he worked from. I allowed him to continue to use it for almost 2 years until I made him move everything out. It was too hard for me to move on with him coming and going all the time.

Use whatever tools you have to get the house, if that's what you want. Good luck- I love my house. We built my house from the ground up20 years ago, and I'm so happy here with my 4 dogs.

Yes, I kept the house in the divorce. It is mortgage-free, and had been paid off with money I inherited during the marriage that I stupidly co-mingled with marital assets because I had no fucking idea I was married to a cheater. Because, yep, it turned out that he had been cheating, with a different OW than the one I later caught him with, at the time I inherited. Apparently he thought "the marriage was over" or so he claimed.

fwiw, I ended up agreeing to not go after my share of ex's pension, in order to keep the house. I did get a small retirement account though, and in the end, I think I came out the winner in the settlement.

Sadly, or happily...the house has 5 years left to payoff...we are under $56,000....I am retired and earn a good pension.

I can easily afford the payment on my own....the house was built well and should not need major repairs for a long time.

He is a builder and has no fixed pension other than the money he's socked away. I don't want any of it....I don't care about any of the contents...he can have what he wants....all cars are ancient, so little value there....but his garage is his "office" since he's a builder and has lots of equipment.

The house and property were valued over $700,000 at the top of the real estate market....probably about $500,000 now.

Understand, we have not yet discussed "divorce" but I don't see how we can avoid it....

Six years after his confession, I discovered he was never out of touch with MOW...and he's had numerous "one more chance."

I'm taking steps now to get proof of his continued cheating....If he's not, well, I would be very surprised....

If he is, I've got to have a plan to do something more than grow old with a cheater.

All I want now is to be left in peace with my cats.....He's killed our relationship to the roots....I don't think I can ever be happy again....at least with him.

[This message edited by Lost&Hurt at 7:35 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

I bought my Xh out of the house. I paid a portion of his equity and took the rest in lieu of permanent alimony. I was able to qualify for the money to buy him out... without him my credit score went up significantly... so I was able to refinance at a lower rate, pay him off and pay only $50 more a month.

I got half his retirement... and he got his car, tools, clothes, a freezer and a rider lawn mower... and some furniture. He makes almost 10 times what I do...he is able to afford new furniture than I am.

It was important to me to keep the kids in familiar surroundings. Things were happening so fast and the kids were reacting to the rapid changes. The house meant stability to them.

I has worked out for 10 years.... Last child graduated.. so my house will be empty soon. I don't know if I will keep it.

An old boss of mine was the cheater. His XW kept the house, he got the payment. He also got the tax write off for the mortgage. He did not pay alimony, he did pay CS. When the last kid moved out, after college. She took over paying the mortgage and got the tax write off for it. I do think he was still on the mortgage when the payments transferred.

Good luck,

K

One thing that really helped me was I was the person who filed our taxes and kept the books for his business. So I knew the ins and outs of things better than he did and I wasn't intimidated by the numbers. If this isn't the situation in your case - this is another area to hone your investigating skills BEFORE you confront!!!

Okay so 30,000 to the realtor, about 60,000 to the bank and misc... down to probably 400,000 ball park - (but you want to hone that to specifics) Which means you each have 200,000 in equity.

How much does he have socked away? - if you don't know -- snoop and Find out! And how much equipment - What do you estimate that is worth? And don't underestimate the value of tools!! Let alone big machinery. Now chances are he listed these as 179 deductions on his taxes or is depreciating them -- go back through the taxes and hunt down the numbers. For large equipment that could be a number of years!

He is going to want the tools and equipment - so what does he have to bargain with...? Household possession? Your answer is "I don't want them we can sell it all and split it".

So it all comes down to the house and the business...

Personally I wouldn't want him in my backyard - and my guess is he'll want to negotiate keeping his business where it is - Should that happen recognize that the building he is using has value. Value that needs to be offset (if he is using it then it's value has not been shifted to you, unless he wants to pay rent...). I wouldn't agree to letting him stay - but that is me.

Then there is alimony... Because you are already collecting your retirement - it is income (not an asset) at least here in my state. Who makes more right now? If he does that gives you some leverage. Make sure you have your hands on at least 3 years back tax docs for the business!

Knowledge is power! If you don't understand the numbers get the information to someone who does - and whom you trust to decipher it and guide you...

[This message edited by Take2 at 9:06 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

You need to approach it like a business negotiation. Place a value on every asset of the marriage. Total up all debt. Divide up both so the bottom line equitable. If you would be entitled to alimony, place a value on that as well. Work the numbers (spreadsheets are great for this) so you can figure out what you are willing to give up to get what you want (including the house). Ask for more so you have some negotiation room.

I am getting our house and everything in it. In exchange, he is getting the toys (ATVs, boat, firearms, trailer, etc.) It was all the things I will willing to concede anyway. He will be Quit Claiming the house and all equity, and that is what I really wanted out of this.

It is very do-able, but you need to work the numbers to know how you will negotiate. I also got an appraisal on the house because he thought it was worth more than it really was and I knew he would dispute a basic market assessment. I was right and that ended up reducing the equity for negotiation purposes (the less the equity, the less his half is worth).

Hi,

I have a similar concern.

I want to stay in our home with our children.

We have been separated for six months. WW moved out. Her apartment lease is in her name.

I have continued to live in our home while we coparent.

We have always assumed this would continue while we were separated or divorced. But now that we are definitely divorcing, she has been making insinuations that I should move out and she would move back in.

I am NOT leaving our home.

She is now framing her leaving as a mutually agreed-upon separation. It really wasn't. SHE wanted to leave because according to her,

Our relationship had become too volatile (why? Because she was having an affair)

She needed to find herself (reality: she wanted to continue the affair unimpeded by me)

She needed to heal (reality: see above)

Etc. blah blah blah

The best case scenario is that she will concede that it is in the best interest of our children for me to stay, since they are already accustomed to this arrangement (me home, mom at apartment).

Plus my job is such that I am home every day in time to get them from school and be with them for the remainder of the day and night.

I am concerned about the worst case scenario: she will want me to move out, maybe saying that SHE will get a job that will mirror mine, time-wise.

I live in a no-fault state, so adultery would be irrelevant.

Would the fact that she moved out into an apartment in her name have any legal relevance if it comes to that?

Thanks!

Talk to your lawyer and then get a good accountant, one who is experienced with both personal/family finances and small businesses. It will be worth the money.

I'm not D and we're in R, so I don't see D in the near future (ready to do it if necessary!). This is just my practical life advice for a complex legal and financial situation. An accountant is going to make sure you have all of the info you need, s/he will understand it (that's the biggest bonus), and will be able to advise you on the pro's and con's of different financial scenarios.

Accountants think differently than lawyers. You need both for this situation.