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Need some back up - WS welcome to respond

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changedforlife posted 6/25/2013 15:29 PM

I'm looking for some help. My WH is not "getting it". He is has his first IC appointment next week and I am hoping it will help him to get it and figure out why. But that might take a while.

In the meantime, I have noticed some behavior that makes me think it could happen again if it isn't addressed. I believe that when an A occurs, the WS is thinking only of themselves and their own feelings. Lately, when I have expressed hurt over the A, my WH has focused more on him and his feelings than mine. For example, leaving the room and saying that if he is causing me so much hurt than he should just go be by himself. As well, he doesn't seem to want to say he's sorry anymore because he says I should know he is sorry because he has said so before. Or he gets defensive. He also complains that he is not allowed to have any feelings anymore.

I know none of you know us but trust me, I have not been hard to deal with through this. I have not gone through an anger phase with him. And we rarely discuss the A at all now. I don't ask questions about it anymore.

So, I would like to bring up to him that I feel like his focus on himself still instead of on helping me heal could be an issue. And I need some back up. WH would put more importance on it if he could read about it either in a book or in an article online.

Does anyone know of any particular articles on this issue? Bonus points if the article is by a man who has also been a WH.

Unagie posted 6/25/2013 16:28 PM

I'm just wondering why he is dictating the terms of this R and why you are trying to do his work for him. Read my tagline, I believe this wholeheartedly (although I do know it is hard to do for oneself) and find your healing becomes easier when the focus is on you. I personally feel if he is running away from the talks you need to have and is not owning his shit then I'm sorry you are not in R. He will continue his behaviors and not do a thing to change. IC can be wonderful but only if he is open and honest with his counselor and if his need to be there is to change his behaviors and heal your M. Otherwise he is just going to say "see what I'm doing? Now leave me alone." I think you should try starting the 180 on him and tell him what you need him to do. If he doesn't step up to the plate, well he's showing you who he really is, believe him.

ETA: here are some articles from the healing library:

Hope these are a good starting point.

[This message edited by Unagie at 4:39 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

Missymomma posted 6/25/2013 16:31 PM

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, should be mandatory reading. Have your WH read it. He is doing many of the things they list as the wrong way to help your spouse heal. It sounds like his selfishness, which is part of what led him to have an affair, is still rampant. Stand up for yourself! You have a right to be heard and validated.

WoundedOpus posted 6/26/2013 08:14 AM

Wholeheartedly agree with Missymomma, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair is an absolute MUST read, for both of you, preferably together. My fWH is finally reading it, slowly. Still in the waiting to see if it triggers any changes phase. If not, well at least he'll have heard what I have been saying all along from someone besides myself...he can't come back later and say any of the stuff he's said for years, "What do you want me to say?", "I don't know what you need from me", etc!


atsenaotie posted 6/26/2013 11:01 AM

You have great advice from the posters above responding on your thread.

He also complains that he is not allowed to have any feelings anymore.

He does get to have feelings, but it appears to be him running away and not facing and processing those feelings.

... leaving the room and saying that if he is causing me so much hurt than he should just go be by himself. <snip> say he's sorry anymore because he says <snip> gets defensive.

ErinD posted 6/26/2013 20:26 PM

You guys continue to amaze me with your knowledge and support. I wish I found this site last year after my DD.
This thread has been so helpful, getting the book on my kindle now!
To the original poster my WS attitude sounds just like your WS. Hopefully reading this book together with them will help us both out.

changedforlife posted 6/28/2013 19:39 PM

Thank you for your responses. I'm sorry that I haven't responded before now. I need to have a stretch of uninterupted time to post and respond on here.

Unagie- I have read a lot of your posts and I appreciate your view. I recently read Codependent No More and it hit close to home. I can mentally agree with your tagline but it is much harder in practice. I have been more aware of it though. However, I don't really see how I am doing the work for him in this case. I want to have a discussion with him but I have a hard time finding the words during conversations so I was looking for an article that would say some of what I want to say so we could discuss it. Perhaps I did not state that clearly in my post.

As far as R goes, I say we are trying to R. We are not fully reconciled yet but I think we are both working towards it. Not perfectly but I don't expect that. He has agreed to my requests - he is starting IC, we are in MC, he has been very good about checking in (although this wasn't something I requested), and transparency. He has had setbacks with NC but we have worked through them and as far as I am aware, there has been NC since. I believe he does want to be honest with IC and work on himself to heal our marriage.

I appreciate the links to the articles. I took my time and read through them. There was one that seemed close to some things that I want to say.

Missymomma, WoundedOpus I did purchase that book and WH read it shortly after I joined here but he was still in the fog at the time so I don't think he really grasped it. I am going to reread it and highlight some things to discuss. Good luck to you to WoundedOpus. I hope it triggers some changes in your WH.

atsenaotie You are correct. We both have to work on becoming more emotionally intimate and less conflict avoidant. It is hard work for both of us.

ErinD I am glad that my post may have also helped someone else. I am too new to the whole process to feel confident enough to respond to many new members but I hope someday that my experience will help others. I hope for the best for you.

So thank you again for the responses.

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