I will never give this you, as it would do no good. You might read it, but because there might be some truth about you in here you will dismiss it all as ďcrapĒ. But I need to let out the anger.
I, too, am ready for this to be over, for many reasons:
I have put up with your self-serving no boundaries for our entire marriage, and I just donít have it in me any more. You see, and saw, nothing wrong with it for YOU. I can guarantee if I did what you have done, just once, you would have kicked my ass to the curb. I didnít ever do that. I forgave, forgave, and oh yeah, forgave again. Each time you felt extremely justified in doing what you did. And saw nothing wrong with it, because if you did you would NOT have done it more than once.
You said thereís been too much damage to continue. And you are right. Unfortunately for you I do not believe that I am the cause of most of the destruction.
I have come to see that the BS you spilled in MC, was just that, BS. You told me, and him, exactly what you knew I wanted to hear. And just like you knew I would, I bought it all. I thought you were sorry for hurting me. I believed you when you said you would be here, for as long as it takes, and do whatever I need to heal from all this shit. I see now it was just for that time period, and now you could care less. YOU donít want to keep hearing about my triggers, YOU donít want to have to do the work I keep asking for to make me feel safe and secure, which at this point is the physical closeness of a married couple.
I am tired of hearing that you have no sexual feelings for me. I am up to my eye-balls with hearing that if I would just quit trying to analyze us to death then the feelings might return to you. But I just keep talking, and it just keeps pushing you back further. WTF???? I am done with this. I am tired of the pecks on the cheeks, the momentary handholding, and the quick hugs. Did you know that the longest hugs we have had are the one-minute ones in the morning showers? I am SICK TO DEATH of this. I have begged, pleaded, ignored, and you still just said I am the one pushing you away! OK. Whatever. I will work on me to not give a ratís ass if I get affection from you. I will take you up on, a while ago, you telling me I can take care of it any way I need to.
You think we talk about our marriage every few days. Thatís not true. We just had weeks of no talks. But did it make any difference in your sexual feelings towards me? Nope. So you saying that ďI have to proveĒ that I can go without bringing my needs up so you can get those feelings back are just BS. Just did that, and nada.
WTF do I have to prove anything? Arenít YOU the one who is suppose to prove to me that I made the right decision by staying here? Some how I screwed up, and made it about me making YOU see YOU made the right decision. How did I let that happen?
I am learning I need to take care of myself. I need to quit trying to appease you. I need to find someone who will have the passion for me, without me having to beg.
I believe the best thing would be to sell the business, and make it so you go off in the sunset and feel justified that this happened. I know you will never admit that anything you did may have contributed to our demise. You will tell everyone that you tried, and it was MY decision. You went to MC, you talked, blah, blah, blah.
The fact is you did go to MC, and you did talk BUT it didnít mean shit.
Everyone tells himself or herself whatever it is they need to in order to justify their actions.
What, you will ask, are my contributions to our demise? Plenty. Just in every day stuff. And DSís situation. I do believe that if that was the only major conflict that we might have made it. But you had to throw in your ďwondering about herĒ fuck up, and that just tipped the scales.
I do ask a lot of the same stuff over again, and thatís because you will give one-sentence answers, and I am supposed to get it, understand it, not misinterpret it, and not ask it ever again. So yeah, I admit to picking things apart to understand them.
What is sad is that our dreams for the future are now the same ones that we had when we were so much younger.
Thereís so much of our marriage that has been good, and still is today.
But, for me knowing my husband holds bitterness towards me, and has no desire for me, whatsoever, is more that I want to deal with the rest of my life.
Iíve told you many, many times that the closeness, which we are lacking, is the one thing that goes the furthest in making me feel secure and safe.
I am absolutely heart-broken that after 42+ yrs together this is where we are ending up.
I just donít have it in me to be the only one trying to make everything OK any more.
eta: I am so sad I don't want to do anything, any more. That, and man, did I make he sound like a shithead??
[This message edited by still2suspicious at 4:16 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]