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Affected far more than just my heart...

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LifeReDefined01 posted 6/25/2013 16:28 PM

I found out last Friday that my H of 8 years (been together 13) had a one night stand; he jumped at the opportunity to have sex with two women while he was out at a bar. I was at my mother's house with the kids for the night. I would have never suspected him to do this. I guess I was naive.

My heart is shattered, and my world has fallen out from under me. But it gets worse. He told me only because after going to a doctor (without telling me) and getting numerous tests done, he has been confirmed to have herpes. He passed it along to me.

He is genuinely sorry, apologizes sincerely multiple times a day, and has declared that he wants our marriage to work. I told him he is not to stay if he is only there because he is pitying me, or feels some obligation to stay out of guilt. He told me he *wants* to be here. I suppose I believe him, but I honestly have zero trust in him. He's been supportive of every emotion I've put out there, and listened to any words I have to say. He's there the minute that he even suspects I'm spiraling down again. I love him, and always will, but I don't respect him right now. And there's a part of me that hates his guts for giving me her infection; a life long reminder.

I have been going from sad to angry to devastated and back again. I am trying to eat; I usually get a meal in, sometimes I just can't. I don't sleep. I feel conflicted at every turn, like my response isn't what it is supposed to be. I'm not screaming at him and kicking him out, nor am I leaving. I'm just so heartbroken. Heaving sobs heartbroken. We were doing so much better, finally it felt like we made a breakthrough and had surpassed the "hard years" with small children (dd2, ds4.5); turns out he was just feeling guilty and pledged to be a better H and father. Little did I know. I don't quite know what I'm seeking here.

My reactions have been in defense of us all; tell no one, for each of our reputations is tied to each other. I just don't know what to expect and feel out of control. I guess I simply want hope that this will get better. That we'll make it. I haven't been this sad and hurt in my entire life.

canteat posted 6/25/2013 16:46 PM

I am new here too and so much of what you said resonates with me. I am going through all the emotions you describe. I can't think straight. Go from one emotion to the complete opposite on a dime. I have no appetite-i think i eat maybe one meal (if you can call a poptart a meal) a day. I'm an eater-i have never lost my appetite before.

I am sorry that I don't have any advice to offer, as I am in beginning stages of this as well. But just know that I hear your pain, I understand it and feel for you. There are people here who have more wisdom that I. So keep reading and posting. Just getting the words out there helps to make you feel better and get some clarity. You are not alone. *hugs*

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 17:06 PM

Please know first you have been heard. We all know the pain and hurt you feel. We are so sorry and the folks here genuinely care.

It is all very new for you. Please know that what you have described is normal. You are in shock. Your body and mind can only absorb so much before it shuts down. The reaction of not eating, sleeping, crying are all part of the shock.

Be kind to yourself right now. This news takes its toll on your body, mind and soul.

Just to put it into context - it takes 2 - 5 years to recover from an affair.

Your emotions are not your own and you will vacillate from one to another several hundred times a day.

Deep breaths and take it one day at a time. No major decisions have to be made now.

I strongly suggest IC for both you and your husband before MC. You both need to process the reality of your being here before you can work on any issues in the marriage.

Don't feel like you have to hide his lie. If you need support from a trusted friend or family member then reach out. You need support to begin to heal. This support usually can't be you WH because he is the one that inflicted the pain on you.

Keep posting and know you have the thoughts and prayers of many.

1Faith posted 6/25/2013 17:08 PM


It will get better one way or another. You will make it through but it is a long, hard road.


emmawa posted 6/25/2013 18:53 PM

I am three years out. So much of your story is the same as mine. Read the healing library. I can say that with work and true remorse you can have a more communicative relationship. It is always there. But I go days at a time without thinking of it and when I do i am no longer brought to my knees. I have the man I married back. Gone is the evil body snatcher double that I like to think of him as. and he knows if that asshat comes back he is out my house. It gets better. I am happy I gave him the chance to proove his sincerity. I will say though that six months was when I finally found my angry it does get better. I don't know how many of my early posts show but my profile shows my story. I am happy I did not let some used up pathetic bar troll ruin my happily ever after.

LifeReDefined01 posted 6/26/2013 08:29 AM

First, thank you all so much for the support and hope filled words. I'm still wandering through the fog, but I fell asleep without tears last night. Not that that has any bearing on any night in the future, but I'm trying to find something to hold on to each day. 5 days out, and I still cycle through every namable emotion as well as blame. I have to repeat to myself constantly to keep me in good spirits with the kids: I am a good person. This is not my fault. I didn't do this.

One day at a time. We have been walking this road together. I have been trying to be upfront and honest with everything while holding back the snark. I don't think the sarcasm is helpful to either of us. I certainly don't feel better for treating him like crap, though I'm not treating him like some sort of heroic prince either. I guess I'd feel vastly different if he didn't care, he wasn't supportive or apologetic and told me that it was my duty to "get better". He hasn't made me feel that way at all. I have felt supported in all of my crazy, and he said he has felt deserving. I told him to just keep talking. Keep saying that he's sorry whenever he feels it. Don't assume I'm so angry that I don't want to hear his voice; that I would tell him explicitly when I didn't want him. Assume the opposite and know I want to hear loving and affirming things. That I want to hear his sincerity, even if he feels it might be worn out on my ears.

I confided in a dear friend of mine and that seemed to help. Being here and releasing some of this confusion is helping, too. So thank you. I get the sad feeling after reading through the library that this is going to take a very long time.

LifeReDefined01 posted 6/26/2013 09:20 AM

Why do I have to make the appointments to get tested for herpes???? I hate answering "and what is the reason for this appointment?" He doesn't get cell reception in the building he works in, and works in a cube farm, so privacy is nill. He says that I have to do this. He apologizes, and yet, I'm still that I have to do this at all. It appears that I have to go to our county health department rather than my own doctor and be referred over to a specialist after that. This is so messed up. So humiliating.

anewday78 posted 6/26/2013 09:35 AM

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. You'll get through this - just stay strong. There's also a good chance that you did not get herpes so don't drive yourself crazy. Even if you did contract it, it won't be the end of the world for you. I know sooooo many people that have it and lead normal, happy, fulfilling lives.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I can imagine how devastated you must feel right now and it makes me just want to reach out and give you a big hug. Keep on talking to us and vent your emotions - this is a safe place for you.

Butterfly24 posted 6/26/2013 14:46 PM

WH cheated on me with a prostitute and gave me herpes.
I found out from my dr at my yearly exam.

After that I had her test me for all std's. You really do need to get tested.

I found out in April, I had blisters, lucky me. I have had one outbreak since then, that was worse than the first. Talk about making me pissed at my wh. Here he is the one who cheated on me and I am the one to pay for it.

LifeReDefined01 posted 6/26/2013 19:34 PM

We're going first thing in the morning to get tested. I hate this.

myheadreallyhurt posted 6/26/2013 21:43 PM

Hugs. First off, I really hope you didn't catch anything from him. It can be so difficult as a BS to understand how the hell our WS could be so selfish and not only take risks with their health but unbeknownst to us putting us at risk as well. It really is unfathomable. Definitely get the whole panel of tests.

I just got the call today that I have chlamydia from my WH. He gave it to me while I was pregnant, no less. It is so humiliating to know that even though you were faithful and careful you still ended up with an STD like some sort of drunken bar whore. I'll admit it has really knocked me for a loop and made me feel really low.

[This message edited by myheadreallyhurt at 9:44 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

LifeReDefined01 posted 6/27/2013 13:39 PM

Herpes was confirmed. HIV was negative (Thank you, God!) but will retest in a few months, jic. Gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis tests are all awaiting results from the lab.

The tech taking my vitals gave me a hug at the end of it because H and I were in the clinic together, but being seen separately. She told me I was strong. The APRN was incredibly sympathetic and compassionate to my case. H couldn't believe I gave them 'the' details rather than just saying I got it from him.

Today is an angry day.

Jewlz posted 6/27/2013 14:53 PM

I read your thread and I am very sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you are going to need a lot of strength to be able to R with your H, especially with the constant "reminder".

If he is truly sorry and remorseful though, I believe your M can get through it and may be better and stronger than before. Just do it the right way, don't expect anything to be normal right away. Give yourself time (months) for the anger to start to go away. It will probably come and go too. Just when you think you are feeling better, something will trigger you, but hang in there.

Make sure you start IC and MC right away. Stay strong!

doesitgetbetter posted 6/27/2013 15:28 PM

Redefined, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. My life took a huge hit, and I ended up with Herpes because of my H's cheating as well. My H had been exposing me to STD's for over 5 years before I even had a clue that he was unfaithful.

I could tell you my entire story, but it would be a huge post and take away from yours. I have my entire story in my profile, you are welcome to read it. It's a positive story, with sadness and pain mixed in, much like yours might be some day.

The things you are feeling are totally normal. The things you are doing to protect yourself are totally normal as well.

I can also tell you that from where I sit, 5 1/2 years after DDay, things CAN be better. I know many people who've divorced after infidelity, and they are all better. I've known many people who've stayed together, and for the most part they are better. The one thing in common in the R'ed group that are better now, is a remorseful spouse who's willing to do the work to heal themselves and heal the damage they've caused in the M. I, fortunately, am in that group. Our M is wonderful now, and I actually respect my H once again.


LifeReDefined01 posted 6/28/2013 12:09 PM

The heaving sobs have left and made way for anger instead. There are parts of me that wished that I never knew. That I'd never have been told. That had the infection never happened, that I would have never wanted to find out. It's stupid, but the pain, the distrust, the anger, the paranoia, the anxiety, the blame... It's just awful.

How do people get through this? How are human beings so strong as to want to move forward after this? How do you overcome such a betrayal without second guessing every single move? How would he have treated me if the tables were turned? Then why must I get any "better" before I need to be better?

I am wondering the lesson in all of this. That I need to respect myself and get a stiffer backbone? That I need to demand more out of a loving relationship?

He just called me and reminded me he had to work late again tonight. I wish that whole thought didn't make me so uneasy.

[This message edited by LifeReDefined01 at 12:21 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 6/28/2013 14:34 PM

ReDefined, you are going through this thing completely normally. You are bargaining right now. Totally normal. Even if you didn't know it happened, it would definitely still stain your M, you just would never know what was "off" about your M and would imagine that you had been a horrible wife and that's what it must have been. At least now you will know your M isn't "off" because of anything you've done/not done, it's "off" because your WH cheated.

I understand your pain and your doubt, I really do. I wondered how someone could survive this in the early days as well. I can promise you that you will learn that you are sooooo much stronger than you ever thought you were by going through this. D, R, S, whatever the decision is, it takes so much strength to even get through the day when this happens to you, and you will make it through just fine. You will learn what really matters to you, you will learn what you really want out of a R, you will learn what you deserve and are willing to accept, and you will do some of the hardest things you've ever been asked to do in your entire life, and you will do them and wonder (several years from now) how you had the strength to even TRY.

Your WH's affair does not define you, not at all. You define you, you determine who you want to be when all of this is over with.

I can tell you that the lesson for me from all of this was forgiveness. I have never been a forgiving person... cross me, and you're out of my life forever. Period. I would have NEVER in a million years guessed that I would even TRY to forgive my H for something as monumental as this, yet I did. I actually forgave him! I have become a much more compassionate person, and I like who I am today more than I did before DDay. I was not that compassionate and understanding pre-DDay.

And I can also tell you that it's not uncommon for the WS's to say "I would never forgive you for cheating on me", and they truly mean it.... just like we meant it when we said the same thing. NO one knows how they will react to something until it actually happens to them, so while the WS often says they wouldn't stick around, I think that it's a fair statement to say that more of them would stick around than they say. I don't hold that against my H as I said the same thing before DDay, until it happened to me I didn't know any better.

You'll get through this one day at a time. Post here often, this will be your greatest support. These people have all been right where you are before, they have felt the same things you feel, they have been confused by the same things you are confused by, and there is always someone who has experienced exactly what you're experiencing at some time or another. You WILL get through this, you WILL!


Nest2007 posted 6/28/2013 19:40 PM

LifeReDefined, you story is so very familiar, minus the std (WH got tested Monday, waiting on results, thankfully we hadn't had sex since the ONS so I had no chance if catching anything).

I was exactly where you are three weeks ago. The first few days, week, I ate one meal a day - dinner with WH to appear as though I was coping. Not eating was kind of a control mechanism.

Those heaving sobs would appear from nowhere - walking past the couch where he told me, looking at DD and mourning the loss of trust and respect that I held for her father, asking questions and hearing answers and just wanting to be held and told it was all right, then the realization that the one I wanted and needed, my best friend, was the one that put me in this position. Intense loneliness as like you, our reputations are tied to each other. My close friends are also his work colleagues, (I worked in his workplace for five years before he started there after our DD was born) or worse, are parents of his students.

Like you WH is genuinely sorry and is being perfect in terms if trying to support me in my pain as I process this, but the loss of trust and respect is completely devastating to me.

I haven't allowed myself to feel anger as I figured screaming, kicking him out or any other emotion that I thought I'd feel in this situation seem to me to be counterproductive to repairing our relationship and marriage. I love him so much, and cannot imagine my life without him in it. He's my best friend. But am I putting this before my own needs in dealing with this?

Hang in there. It gets easier as the weeks pass. In a way I think a ONS makes it somehow easier to get over than an ongoing EA or PA - even though it's devastating, I truly could not imagine the grief that the knowledge of long term emotional intimacy and physical relationship, along with the lies and deceit required with OW would cause a person. I'm strangely 'grateful' it was a ONS in my case. Barely even a ONS, more a momentary brain fart with horrible repercussions.

Hugs to you.

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