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Newest Member: Kitty44 (60743)

User Topic: The Divvying Stage
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How to put a monetary figure on belongings that it took twenty years to accrue?

How to split apart sets of things that were collected on long journeys? How to decide who gets what antique that is filled with memories of the day it was found?

I don't understand myself in this, because I fully recognize the idea of "starting over", yet feel myself clinging to every little thing in the house.

I think I will end up losing the house, the house we built ten years ago and filled with things we chose together.

And I recall the choices-debates over lamps, debates over flooring, debates over the tub, how to deal with the plumber who put the upstairs bathroom in 100%opposite what the blueprints I personally designed read?

Why is my toilet here? It should be there, where the sink is. That's not the sink I chose! Yet now, 10 years later, probably will not be mine much longer, anyway.

And does anyone know why, when Perv/Happy Pants finally requests something, I feel this huge, insane, "NOOOOO!" to see something leave? I think his guilt is surfacing because he's being very generous-or just wants this part over with? He is not taking much and now is talking about "getting a storage unit??"

The things he asked for recently I struggle with because they are things I wanted, but I want everything. What I am angry about seems so trivial, but what I think is that it's not things a guy would ask for...floral dishes? Of all our dishes, two sets are floral and one of my favorite and he knows it. I suspect it's not so much for him as for Fatty and to take away from me? But then he tells me "he is not set on them".

He also wants a clock and I can't understand it because it makes noise and drove him nuts. I love that clock and have asked numerous times for it to be rehung. I carried this clock on my back from the Black Forest in Europe and it was my money it was bought with...what I think is that if I can rationalize him with it or it's a "manly" thing, okay. But these two last things made me throw up to think about going out the door.

It's only material objects...the other divorced people in my family couldn't stand their stuff after their divorce...why am I still hanging on? Why don't I just move on like everyone else?

The dishes were not expensive, but are a favorite of mine and I suspect he showed pictures to OW/Fatty B and like I said...I can't bear it. But I have massive guilt at saying no to him and I don't know why? I 'm sorry if I repeated that, my mind is messed up again after that "discussion."

There are some other items I'm kind of surprised he's leaving, but I have a suspicion he's bought brand new ones...he knew the prices of some in stores and rattled them off.

I don't know how to go through this part, either and face this other part of reality.

We finally told DD today that we might have to live in a new place at some point soon and she had very mixed reactions. We told her together-I made him say it-I could not-and played up the "assets". Then she and I cried together and he turned away.

Thank you for a place to write this. It's mine and DD's entire lives changing, all at once, and sometimes I get overwhelmed.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 39506
Member # 39506
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all your amazing. Your posts and spirit have been helping me. Plus I giggle everytime you call him Perv!
My ex ass clown actually had the nerve to become irate because he "can't believe I'm taking all the clothes hangers". Really?! You gotta be kidding me! His only angle is that I am taking things. Darn right I am! He's lucky I don't take the hangers and shove them up his... Well u get the point
Hang in there sister! These guys are absurd!

Me: BSO 37yrs old
Him: Old enough to know better.
3 years -raising my 2 daughters and his son
Dday#1 6/7/13 Dday#2 6/9/13
R: not a chance
The further she walked, the stronger her stride became and the louder her broken heart sang. -anonymous.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's actually a strategy to ask for sentimental items you don't want so you can "give in" and get what you really want. Let him have them in exchange for expensive items.

I went back and forth with my WXH on a few things I really wanted, but now I am at the point where I don't want any of it. That's not to say I wouldn't recommend you take half, even if it is just to sell, donate, or throwaway.

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3640 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Marley!

Do you know, just this morning I was in Perv/Happy Pants closet because DD and I needed more hangers?

Thank you, I haven't laughed in a few weeks and your post gave me a belly laugh-the baby kicked at it!

NL (Neighbor Lady) had this happen and said her ExH was very puzzled to find his things on the lawn when he would collect the kids for visits. He asked for their camper (I think it was his house for a time) and before she let it go, she emptied it, going so far as to get help to get the sink out.

And Perv is short, for "Disgusting Pervert", from all his SA activity.

You know, even though I'm in this mourning spell, I am finally not attracted to him! I also find I cannot look at him in the face and it's odd. He's changed physically (much bigger in the belly and face and lots less hair)'s so strange to hear him talk, too, because as he drones on, I hear in my head, "bla, bla, bla", where even half a year ago, could sit and listen to crap for hours!

Thank you for the kind words about my posts. Sometimes they are through tears, so I'm glad to know something I write makes any sense!

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Crescita, too. People are telling me almost daily to "pick my battles."

I get suspicious sometimes because when he decides to leave something, I feel like another shoe or bomb is going to drop. Or he is out shopping, as I've seen him come and go with different clothing or electronic toys.

I think it would not mean so much if it was not a house we built. There were only woods here, thick New England forest that still surrounds us that I go for walks in every week.

I was remembering something from the woods last summer, our first summer here alone for DD and I.

We had people visit from where I work and had a picnic. They all live in the "city" down below and we live in the "mountains" and have a lot of wild animals in and out of the yard. They were very excited when the deer family came to visit our yard, exclaiming "ooh and Ahhh". Some had never seen one in real life!

Well, our daylilies had just bloomed again and they were expensive plants, as many of you may know. Each and every summer my favorite peach one just comes to bloom and this darn mama deer must be watching it every day, for out she came!

I learned they don't like hoses, so I struck out into the yard after them with my hose and do you know, they got my darn plant for breakfast the next day?

We haven't bought anymore, nor do we get tulips and the plants I put around them-yarrow is supposed to be deer resistant-sure aren't working!

Just wanted to put something silly on my melancholy thread.

FWIW, I saw the new buds on the lilies this week, so it must not be long before the deer come out, if they made it through the winter.

Funny things you think of when life presents monumental changes and how big a deal it was to the visitors, but not to us.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 33488
Member # 33488
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am this stage too. I go through "the house" and I really can't see anything else that I'd die without. I've already taken the things that were important to me ( most were mine or pertained to me anyway. ) I have no desire to pick through stuff with him. I'd rather leave it as part of his settlement. But then I get feeling very resentful at the thought of him having/using things I bought or worked or searched for. Things that were "just right" for some corner. I get panicky and feel the need to look it over yet again in case there's anything I missed. How much do I care about the bat I barely used as a kid? The towel rack. The really cool plant hook we found on our last great vacation. Why do I even want it? I guess because I think it matters more to me than to him.
It's just stuff Treble. Get new. Leave the memories behind. Move on.

If only I could listen to my great advice.

True remorse isn't followed by a "but".

Posts: 1809 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Alberta
♀ 18334
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is one area I got really lucky. Most of our stuff was old or second hand. There was very few things he wanted.

I had to do an inventory of the house and none of it was worth much. He wasn't paying his attorney and he was told it wasn't worth fighting over. With the exception of a few things, we got what was in our possession.

You need to figure out what you want and what you are willing to use for negotiation. It would help if you know what he really wants.

If you get into a fight over something and it starts heading before the judge, ask yourself if it's worth the attorney and court costs.

My XH thought we would really go to court over a $50 item lol. I ended up with it because he owed his attorney money. His attorney knew he wasn't getting paid and it wasn't worth it to him.

I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.

Posts: 4920 | Registered: Feb 2008
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think of things you KNOW he really wants and put them at the top of your own list. If he is asking for those things it is, as was mentioned, a strategy. Two can play at that game! Then you can do some horse-trading to get your prized things. Just be realistic that you can't take it all (unless he is actually willing to just let you have it without a fight).

I sent a list to POS of all major assets (based on what a reasonable person would consider "major"). I told him I was not going to haggle over the minor inconsequential stuff because it was not worth it, and he could have whatever of that he wanted (he didn't want any of it). However, after he read my list of "major" assets he got snotty and said apparently it was not a complete list because the two sets of china (one is very valuable), crystal, pottery, etc. was not listed. He was hoping those would be on the list to offset his firearms. I had to educate him that all those things were inherited from my mother and inherited items that are not used "for the benefit of the marriage" are not included in the division (established by case law). He was pissed and never mentioned them again because he knew there was nothing he could do about it. Keeping those off the "asset" list gave me more negotiation power with the equity in the house.

Also, make sure you do not over-value your stuff. Everyone tends to think their stuff is worth more than it really is, and it should not be valued on retail value. Rather, thrift store or Craigslist value is what should be used (i.e., market value). It is because of that "market value" requirement that I chose not to even bother with the little stuff, and it all got lumped together as "misc household items" with one value. Because I was so methodical with the valuation, POS had no room to argue. He was really at a loss when he realized how low everything really ended up being valued at. It is a total pain in the butt and time consuming, but VERY important for purposes of negotiations.

If you remain objective in determining valuation, you will then be able to decide what items you really feel strongly about keeping, what that value is, and what you may be willing to give up. Just because you have strong emotional attachment does not mean it has a high monetary value, and if there is very little monetary value, you can dangle other, more valuable items in from of him to distract him...

Put on your business strategy hat now to get what you want!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 11:03 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

BS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - 2 adult DDs - DS20 Deceased
Happily divorced!

~Indifference - Because some people do not deserve your emotions.~

I edit often because my tablet is possessed!

Posts: 4662 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Land of Indifference
♀ 34525
Member # 34525
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great suggestions, thanks!

And thanks to Ashland for posting this!

BS (me) - 41
WH - 48, EA with HS GF x 2
M: 10 years, T: 20
2 small children
DDay#1 - Christmas 2011 (OW#1)
Confronted - 4/6/12
DDay#2 - July 9, 2012 (OW#2)
He is an SA (Oct 2012)

Posts: 827 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: the other side
Topic Posts: 9

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