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IGaveItMyAll posted 6/25/2013 17:20 PM

So I have been working on 180 since my WW isn't really giving me what I need. She has been distant the past couple weeks (Doesn't text me, call me, when I talk to her she is irritable. I just haven't felt much love coming from her toward me) It totally sucks. I so bad want to talk to her about how I feel. But really will that make her change? Probably not. Man sometimes I want to scream!!! I haven't called her all day or tried to contact her at all. She hasn't reached out to me. This 180 sucks but I am tired of feeling desperate and needy. At this point I dont even know what to do. I am headed home in a few. I know they say put your best face forward and be happy.... so hard when you are hurting inside. I think I will have dinner with the kids and get them to bed and hit the gym. Any advice about how much I should talk about with her. I feel like I have said it all already. I was tempted to ask if she even wants to be in this relationship anymore and if she says yes then tell her I need her to start showing I matter to her otherwise I am moving on.

catlover50 posted 6/25/2013 19:53 PM

Well that sounds like a reasonable thing to say. Be calm and direct.

Good luck.

lostworld posted 6/25/2013 22:03 PM

I agree with catlover50. Be calm and direct, and be prepared to hear her answer. She doesn't sound remorseful, and I'm wondering if NC is firmly established. Also, make sure you mean what you say; if you tell her you will move on if she doesn't show some changes, then be prepared to have to do so. If you aren't to that place, then tell her what you need and continue the 180. Hang in there.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/26/2013 00:13 AM

IMHO 180 is hard if that is not your nature. I tried 180 and it was so hard. 180 didn't have much effect on wh until about 6 month after dday when he realized I was serious and it still took another 6 months to see real changes. I did read some posts that 180 is for the bs. I understand this but it doesn't make it easier. Focus on you and try not to be upset when she doesn't respond. It takes time. Take care of yourself and your kids.

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/26/2013 00:25 AM

How did you respond when your spouse asked you what's wrong. I haven't been moody or anything. But I don't engage her all the time. She knows something is up but I am new to this. Do I tell her what's bothering me or just wait for her to bring it up. It's totally not in my nature but I think it's good for me.

sisoon posted 6/26/2013 15:36 PM

Gently, the 180 is for you when your WS is unremorseful or, perhaps, when you want to D. Your WS is totally irrelevant to your 180, except for $ and child care.

The purpose of the 180 is to build your strengths and your understanding that you'll be fine without your WS, even though you'd prefer to R.

Ideally, I suspect, it's best to do the 180 only after you've outlined your requirements for R. If you haven't, I guess it could make sense to tell your unremorseful WS that you'd love to talk with her after she starts meeting your R reqs.

If your W is unremorseful, she's not in a relationship with you, and probably the best topic for discussion is how you'll D. Or you could just file and, when she gets served, let her know that you're open to R if she starts doing R work.

You have to realize you can live on your own to get rid of the desperation.

You have to risk your M to save it.

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/26/2013 18:51 PM

Update- We talked a while last night and today. I told her I have been really frustrated. She has been very irritated and distant. I told her it makes me question everything we are working towards. I explained that this was the issue Pre A. She gets frustrated and doesn't talk to me and I don't know whats wrong and then I disreguard it and just move on with my day. Then she thinks I don't give a shit about her. I told her I am not doing that anymore. I calmly told her I need her to be brutally honest with me. I told her I need to hear she is pissed, upset, happy, sad or whatever. I told her we wont make it through this if we both stuff our issues. I also explained that when she doesn't tell me whats wrong (and I know when something is wrong) then I start putting my own pieces together in my mind. She appologized to me. her sorry was..."I'm sorry you are right. these were major problems in our marriage. Lets talk more tonight"

We came out of MC 2 weeks ago very down. We opened up a big box of the problems in our marriage Pre A. She has been frustrated and distant and I have been picking up on this. She said she really wants to go back to MC to talk about all this more. I was glad to hear that.

Here is why she said she has been frustrated. We have been having financial issues lately and she had to pick up more hours at work. She said she hates working more then she has to there. It reminds her of our life Pre A passing the kids off, spending no time together and missing out on family time. She wakes up in the morning dreading working at night and feels her whole day is ruined and we don't get any family time. My response was then tell me cause I start thinking the worse and as she noticed I completely disconnect. We had to stop talking but tonight we are going to talk about how to recognize whats going on in the moment rather than 2 weeks later after all these emotions build up.

As far as unremorseful. I get it in waves. At first she was doing everything right. Once it got to working on herself and marital issues she has been a little disconnected. she did tell me she is working through alot of neglect from her childhood and the neglect I contributed in our marriage. She is still deeply hurt I didn't make her and the kids top priority for years. Actually not until DDAy.

DixieD posted 6/27/2013 09:53 AM

IGIMA, for your sake, I hope you tap into your anger sooner rather than later.

She had an affair and now she's getting the attentive spouse she always wanted. I'd call that a win for her. You 180 for your own sanity due to her lack of remorse and pissy attitude and she thinks you don't give a shit about her. SHE had an affair. Did she give a shit about you?

I was way down on my husband's priority list for years. It made me bitter and resentful but I didn't go have sex with someone else because of that.

As far as unremorseful. I get it in waves. At first she was doing everything right. Once it got to working on herself and marital issues she has been a little disconnected.

She's not hit remorse yet. You've not seen it. It only comes when the WS understands the affair was solely because of them and their issues and stops blaming the BS or the marriage. Your wife has not done that yet.

numb&dumb posted 6/27/2013 10:37 AM

This is my take and feel free to disregard it, but until she works through her FOOs you are going to be wasting your time trying to R with her.

She has retreated into previous hurts and is processing those by taking it out on you. At some point that is going to kill your chances at R.

R takes both of you in a healthy place. Trying to R when one of you is so broken just doesn't work.

You have to try to detach from her a little more. I know it is hard, but you have to try. Do things outside of your M, focus on yourself more. It will help you in the long run and even after your W gets to a better place.

IGaveItMyAll posted 6/27/2013 19:06 PM

So we finished our conversation last night. I told her everything I had to say. When I was talking to her she seemed very genuine and heartfelt. We talked about alot of different things marital and A. I won't go into all details but here are a few things she said to me. I am really sorry what I did caused you so much pain. It caused you to doubt yourself and I am really sorry. She started tearing up and told me she wants to see me happy and back to myself again. She told me how sorry she was that she made me this way. We talked about her A. I asked if she still thinks about it. She said when she thinks about it it disgusts her. Makes her sometime sick to her stomach. She said every once in a while she thinks about what her life would be like if we didn't get back together. She said she would have been empty and depressed. She thanked me for giving her another chance and told me how greatful she was that we still have each other. So I took everything in that she was telling me. and I told her that I care about her and am trying to find myself right now. I explained to her that she isn't meeting my needs. I told her if she wants me to get back to being happy I need to feel loved by her and safe and right now I don't feel either. She told me that she did love me and isn't going anywhere. I reminded her of my 2 Primary love languages and ask her how she felt she was doing meeting those. She said she hasn't been doing good. So I told her she needs to start meeting my needs better. So here is to continuing the 180. It will be good. It was nice to talk to her. It was the mos heartfelt conversation we have had in a while. But I am 180'ing for me so I can find my own happiness again.

sisoon posted 6/28/2013 11:09 AM


Usually the 180 is implemented when the WS is unremorseful but the BS wants to R. Doing the 180 means doing things on your own, limiting conversations to money and children, and possibly filing for D. If you're in R, you have to talk about lots more than that.

Your sitch doesn't sound like it's typical for the 180 at all. What do you mean by 'doing the 180'? What do you hope to accomplish with it?

I told her if she wants me to get back to being happy I need to feel loved by her and safe

This sounds like you're looking to your W for validation, and it sounds like you're counting on your W to heal you. That won't work - you have to heal yourself.

Are you in IC? How about your W? I think you'd find it helpful to have some IRL guidance from someone experienced in helping couples R.

ETA: If your idea is that the 180 helps manipulate your W into 'meeting your needs', your idea of the 180 is way off. Just consider this: WRT meeting my needs, my w has done that very well all through our M. The A really was under my radar, so if ow had been a little less demanding, the A would have gone on longer than it did and might still be going on ... and I would be thinking my W is meeting my needs fine. You're using the wrong metric.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:21 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

DixieD posted 6/28/2013 12:07 PM

While she is saying all the right things, her actions have not mirrored the words.

If your idea is that the 180 helps manipulate your W into 'meeting your needs', your idea of the 180 is way off.

Sisoon is right. I'm not sure if you are doing that or not, but there is this desperate need in your posts to have your needs met. I suspect a lot of this is coming from MC primarily focusing on the marriage up to this point. You figure if you do your part, your wife will follow suit and things will be better.than.ever in short order.

I think there is a modified 180 (maybe that is not the correct term, so whatever you want to call it) when the BS has to stop busting their ass to fix their WS and the marriage. Another word for it is codependent. The need to detach and let go of the outcome. You can discuss more than finances etc, but stop the 'I can fix this if I put in 110% of effort'. The BS is making everything easy for the WS, such as spoon feeding them all the answers. The BS feels like they are spinning their wheels and gets frustrated with the lack of progress.

From IGIMA's posts, he was arranging dates, texting and emailing his WS numerous times during the day, researching, arranging IC and MC app'ts and trying to build a connection between them. When he stopped doing that, he got nothing in return because his wife is still so wrapped up in her own pain. She is not remorseful yet. Not until her actions prove it.

IMO because he is putting in sooooo much effort his wife hasn't needed to put in much. Why should she? He's doing all the heavy lifting for her. The roles have been reversed. Detaching is a well deserved break and will allow his wife to either show she can step up or not. Sink or swim. And ideally for him to work on himself and heal himself.

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