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4 yrs out...

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selfdestruction3 posted 6/25/2013 20:56 PM

I haven't posted in several years. Been lurking for a few weeks trying to find ways to convince my brother to stop an affair that will inevitably come out and ruin his marriage of 25 yrs. His wife (my SIL) and I are very close. I lost my mom when I was 14 (I'm now 38). She became like a mother to me. As a former WS, I am struggling with how I inflicted the hurt and agony on my XBH that my brother is now inflicting on her. I still deal with the guilt of destroying my family daily. Some days are worse than others and out of nowhere I will get the feeling like I've been kicked in the gut. I try to forgive myself, and XBH and I have both moved on. He's remarried with a new baby girl (we have two boys) and I am truly happy for him and can truly say I love his wife. She is an exceptional co-mommy to my kids and wants the best for them. Yet if I had it to do over again I would have never been so selfish. If only us WS could see into the future....we would work on our own marriages instead of falling into the trap of a made up fairy tale relationship that is no where close to reality. Not really sure why I'm posting this, no question really. Guess I just needed an outlet for my feelings.

stilllovinghim posted 6/25/2013 21:09 PM

Why don't you just go ahead and tell the BS, his W? He's not going to stop till he gets caught and everyday is putting her and their children at risk for std's (and God only knows what else).

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/25/2013 21:20 PM

I agree that you should tell her.

I understand that it will be very difficult for you to do, but try to remember that you are only the messenger, your brother is the one hurting her and his family.

selfdestruction3 posted 6/25/2013 21:21 PM

I'm seriously considering it. He has not confided in me. I found out from a friend of his. It know that affairs thrive in secret and tend to die when exposed. Their kids are grown and his friend said to his knowledge it is more of an EA and not a PA but is headed in that direction. I'm very torn on what to do. Maybe an anonymous letter?

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/25/2013 21:30 PM

I would consider an intervention -- without the BS -- that includes a professional counsellor/therapist.

Start there. It'll give your brother an opportunity to end the A and come clean to his wife on his own. As a BH I feel there's a lot of value in having the WS end the A on their own and reveal it to us. It allows the lying to end sooner and gives everyone a better chance at R.

Good luck. There's no easy way out.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/25/2013 21:40 PM

I think an anonymous letter leaves too much room for him to gaslight her. FAR too much room.

I don't know how your situation went down, but I *DO* know that most BSs confront too soon (myself included) with insufficient hard evidence and get gaslighted to hell and back.

Can you follow him and get pictures of the two of them together? You could do that and go help her pull up phone records, credit cards, refer her here, etc. and create somewhat of a timeline before she confronts?

At SOME point, she's GOING to ask if you knew, you know...

So, I understand you're between a rock and a hard place. Your brother will be TICKED, but just let it roll off and help his W- and help him- salvage their lives. At some point, he'll realize you did it to save his life, both literally and figuratively, and he'll thank you for it. It's going to take some time, though.

Unagie posted 6/25/2013 22:01 PM

I LOVE my brother. He is a best friend to me and on my DDay he came and picked me up and when I saw him I could not stop crying and he just hugged me. I slept on his couch for weeks, and cried on his shoulder a lot. That being said if I found out he was cheating on my SIL I would confront him and if he didn't fess up himself I would tell her. I adore her and even if I didn't nobody deserves to be cheated on. He might be pissed if you tell but the consequences of an A fall on him no matter how she finds out there would be nothing to tell if he didn't cheat.

selfdestruction3 posted 6/25/2013 22:08 PM

I think I've decided to confront him and tell him he HAS to tell or that I will. I LOVE my brother too and he did the same for me on my DDay also. He and my SIL were there for me and my XBH during those horrible dark days. She had already discovered the ph# but when she called it was a florist shop and she thought he might have sent flowers to someone. However, the florist is the OW!!! He was able to gaslight his way out of that one. But she already has that "gut feeling" and she will find out. He's been avoiding my calls. I'm sure it's because he doesn't want to have to hear what I have to say.

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