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First date, again

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OnceInALifetime posted 6/25/2013 21:21 PM

So I got back on the horse and had a first date with a really sweet woman. Emotionally, I like her. But I don't feel physical attraction. Maybe, in time, but I doubt it.

She sent me a follow-up note. Wants to see me again.

So I'm sitting here trying to decide whether to see her again. I'm afraid if I do I'd be leading her on. I feel bad about saying no thanks, partly because my reason feels shallow, but also because there's something vulnerable about her. Suppose that's the KISA in me.

I'll do the right thing.

InnerLight posted 6/25/2013 22:59 PM

Do you really have to decide after one date? Maybe it's obvious so OK, but I know that I take a few dates to feel attracted physically. Emotional attraction is a nice thing. It's not like you are leading her on to go on on 2-3 dates. She isn't going to be crushed either way though.

OnceInALifetime posted 6/25/2013 23:20 PM

Good question, IL. I'll think on it, and ask you a question in return. Would it bum you out if your SO did not find you physically attractive from the start?

OK, I've thought on it. There's just too little physical attraction to work with.

I've turned down women before (and of course been turned down plenty myself), but this time is harder than most. As I said, she seems vulnerable.

InnerLight posted 6/26/2013 00:14 AM

I wouldn't ask my SO that question and a gentleman wouldn't say.

I think your instincts are picking up on something that doesn't feel right. She shouldn't be dating if she is so obviously vulnerable.

InnerLight posted 6/26/2013 00:14 AM


[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:15 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

InnerLight posted 6/26/2013 00:14 AM

Darn iPad!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:16 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

InnerLight posted 6/26/2013 00:14 AM

Quadruple posting!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:16 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

InnerLight posted 6/26/2013 00:14 AM

Oops again!

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:18 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

cmego posted 6/26/2013 07:40 AM

Good for you for getting back on that horse!

It is always uncomfortable when the attraction isn't mutual. I've second guessed myself a few times after I turn someone down after just one date...but I know that my "spidey senses" are picking up something.

The usual, "You have great qualities, but I'm not interested in taking this any further. Good luck in your search!"

tryingagain74 posted 6/26/2013 07:46 AM

I think you should go with your gut. I'm never going to ignore my gut again. If I had listened to my gut, I would have broken things off with XWH and hopefully moved on to a happier life, either single or with someone else.

If she's vulnerable, then she might also be super needy. I can tell you from first-hand experience that needy doesn't work (at least it didn't for me).

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 7:47 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

OnceInALifetime posted 6/26/2013 09:50 AM

IL, I've gone through that ridiculous multi-posting on a smart phone, hitting the back button. I feel your pain

Was she obviously vulnerable? I wouldn't say so, but my KISA instincts were going into overdrive, so something wasn't sitting quite right for me. So yes, it wasn't only about physical attraction, now that I've slept on it.

She'll make a good match for the right guy.

I just sent her the message. Have I ever mentioned that dating sucks?

Amazonia posted 6/26/2013 09:56 AM

Have I ever mentioned that dating sucks?

Did you have an enjoyable evening? If so, then it doesn't suck.

Find the positives. Not every date is going to lead to marriage. And if you can't enjoy yourself along the way, none of them will.

better4me posted 6/26/2013 10:05 AM

Adopting Ama's attitude:

Did you have an enjoyable evening? If so, then it doesn't suck.
has made it so much less sucky for me!

Being turned down, or turning someone down has gotten less problematic than it was when I first started dating again. I think those of us who are sensitive and have been hurt, hate hurting someone else. But in the long run, that hurt doesn't last too long and is better than the long hurt of carrying on something that doesn't sit right.

I think I wasn't "picky enough" in choosing to date and marry XH...damn picky now

OnceInALifetime posted 6/26/2013 10:12 AM

Yes, I had an enjoyable evening, but it was overshadowed by the discomfort of someone being attracted to me where I did not reciprocate. Nothing fun about that.

I've been perpetually surprised at how rare mutual attraction is. I'm maybe too goal oriented.

BUT, it's true that I've learned some things about myself in the process, so I don't regret trying. And I've met some interesting women.

So yup, I'll keep on stepping up to the plate for the time being.

Good news is that I haven't spat out a tooth in two whole months.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

lieshurt posted 6/26/2013 10:15 AM

OIAL, if you didn't find her physically appealing, why did you ask her out?

OnceInALifetime posted 6/26/2013 10:18 AM

if you didn't find her physically appealing, why did you ask her out?

Her profile pictures were attractive.

lieshurt posted 6/26/2013 12:10 PM

Oh? Had she been dishonest about her appearance?

OnceInALifetime posted 6/26/2013 12:21 PM

No, she was not dishonest. The photos were only of her face.

woundedwidow posted 6/26/2013 19:50 PM

So, are you (not) saying that she was overweight?

seekingright2013 posted 6/26/2013 20:43 PM

**tippy toeing***

I think it's ok to not be attracted to her. It is what it is. It's a combination of not being attracted AND gut feeling vis a vis the vulnerability thing, if I understand OIAL right. It is what it is.

And, I do think she should have full body photos, not just face pics on her profile, IMHO.

AND I say all this as someone 20 lbs overweight. I've lost 20 lbs over the last year but still have 20 to go. So I represent the chubby vote.

Keep fishing, OIAL. It's the only way to make a catch. Good luck!

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