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R'ing is hard work....

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jjsr posted 6/25/2013 21:51 PM

Tonight we had MC. My struggle this far (almost 2 yrs from dd) is my hurt and anger at what he has done. I know he is remorseful, and doing whats needed but I am still hurt and angry and trying to find a place emotionally from some of the lies that were told. I am having a hard time with letting it go and start fresh. The MC says its a choice to let it go or not and I know that's right but I am not totally there yet. This sux.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 6/25/2013 23:47 PM

Jjrs - I so understand this. Our mc told me its ok if the A and all the other marital problems are a deal breaker then it is ok to say thank you but this marriage isn't working. Easy when someone else says this.. It is so hard to decide what to do after so many years together and we do have common goals. I want to give it time to see if the changes in wh are real this time. But I don't want to be hurt. It does suck to be where we are. Good luck to you and thanks. I hope we both can work it out. Maybe it just takes time.

sisoon posted 6/26/2013 15:41 PM

Since you're not ready to let go yet, it might be useful to think about what you need to feel safe/good enough to let your pain go. When you figure out what will allow you to feel safe, you can ask for it and probably get it, too.

Remember - 2-5 years, assuming no new hurts.


Tesa posted 6/26/2013 15:57 PM

I guess should ask yourself why you don't want to let go? Why are you holding onto the pain and hurt?

Are you afraid that if you let go, you will miss if it happends again? (this was a very hard one for me to too).

Lyonesse posted 6/26/2013 16:00 PM

I think sisoon has a wise point here. Too many counselors we talked to immediately launched into how the BS needs to "learn to trust" without spending any time at all on what my H needed to do to make trust an option. After two sessions with the MC we finally chose, we realized we cannot get to the work on the M until we have dealt with the damage caused by the A, and we have asked her to focus on that and helping WH becoming more empathetic regarding the trauma he inflicted and my healing from that.

Your MC has to recognize that it can take 2-5 years (on average) before you are pychologically ready to release some of the hurt and anger, but your spouse can certainly do things that make it a heck of a lot easier to move to the 2 year versus the 5 year point.

jjsr posted 6/26/2013 19:58 PM

Our MC does recognize this. We have been going to him since Oct 2011. Its my issues as to why I haven't let go and forgiven. We are working on it.

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