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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: He's away on business and I'm going crazy.
featherweight
♀ 22690
Member # 22690
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a long time. We've been doing well...as long as he's in sight and I trust him. I have the hardest time when he travels for work because I know he's done things before while away on "business"

He texted, called, we talked several times then we said our goodnights. Something is nervous in my gut. So I checked the location on "find my iphone" and his phone doesn't appear to be at his hotel... down the street near another hotel.

I called, no answer. Sent a text, no response. I guess he's "sleeping" or will at least tell me that later.

I feel sick. Never got the whole truth but he mentioned something about Craigslist once. Praying he's not capable of lying to me, rebuilding our marriage and making random hookups at the same time.


Me:BS 41, WH 40 Married almost 10yrs
our precious little DD is almost 5.
WH had EMA with CoWorker for 2+yrs. D-day 12/08, separated 18mos.
R started 2010, decided to live together again after 18mo, very hard to trust again. Still trying.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: FL
lostworld
♀ 19197
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((featherweight)))
I don't have any answers for you, but I know what it feels like to have him out of town and unaccounted for. It is agonizing. Be vigilant and trust your gut; get answers that make sense; be brave.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 821 | Registered: Apr 2008
featherweight
♀ 22690
Member # 22690
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Struggling to get answers... confronting him will too huge of a gamble if I don't have facts.

I'm looking at the location of his phone - pretty confident it's accurate, but I know it can be off by a bit at times...

but it shows the charge on his phone - at less than 20%
I can check his iPad too - it's in a different location & charging.. certainly looks like he's not in his hotel room.

waiting to see if the status changes to "Charging" and/or a new location.

*trying not to think about the disgusting posts for casual sex on CL*

[This message edited by featherweight at 10:58 PM, June 25th (Tuesday)]


Me:BS 41, WH 40 Married almost 10yrs
our precious little DD is almost 5.
WH had EMA with CoWorker for 2+yrs. D-day 12/08, separated 18mos.
R started 2010, decided to live together again after 18mo, very hard to trust again. Still trying.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: FL
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is away on business also. It is hard because he used business and business trips to be with OW.

Now, when he is away, especially in the evening, he knows he better answer his phone. I would give him 10 minutes to get off a call or get out of the shower and then he better call. I know which hotel and which room he is in so I could make a land call if I want to. If I did not get an answer, I might just be crazy enough to drive the 5 hours and surprise him. If I want to Skype or FaceTime, he better be ready.

Next trip, get some boundaries about taking your calls in place. If he cannot keep a phone charged or keep the ring loud enough to wake him, get his hotel and room number as soon as he checks in so you can call it. You do not deserve to have to spend the night worrying.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1611 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
featherweight
♀ 22690
Member # 22690
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks LovedYouMore, that's really good advice. I guess I tend to think that I should have put these things in place when we were first attempting R.

He was so defensive and angry, I pushed for the major things I needed and didn't address every possible scenario. He didn't travel as much for a little while. Now he tells me some details, keeps in touch... but I always wonder about when he's "gone to bed"

This is the first time I've checked and seen something that doesn't look good.

I've found other things occasionally - a website on his phone for swingers, which he claimed he only looked at for "the stories" how dumb I was to accept that explanation.

I feel like I have to have a smoking gun to question him, otherwise I'm rocking a boat that I'm hoping to keep afloat.


Me:BS 41, WH 40 Married almost 10yrs
our precious little DD is almost 5.
WH had EMA with CoWorker for 2+yrs. D-day 12/08, separated 18mos.
R started 2010, decided to live together again after 18mo, very hard to trust again. Still trying.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: FL
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How far away is his business and how long is he gone?

I would drive to or get my ass there if possible!

I drove 5 hours to New York one night because I had a gut feeling, and I was right.

This...

I feel like I have to have a smoking gun to question him, otherwise I'm rocking a boat that I'm hoping to keep afloat.

Is so sad to me. You should be free to question anything that you need to. Nothing you ask should ever rock the boat...and if it does then the boat you are rocking has a hole in it already.

You deserve to be comfortable in your life with him. Free of fear and anxiety and he should be moving heaven and earth to provide that for you.

(((hugs)))



“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
featherweight
♀ 22690
Member # 22690
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is several states away - no possible way to drive there. He'll return tomorrow night. I'll be looking for any sign of something out of place... checking his laundry, his phone... ugh.

You're right about the holes in my boat. He refused to end a friendship with another woman. I should not have tolerated that. He claims to have no relationships with women at work, but he felt the need to hug a coworker when we saw her out at lunch (reason was that she's going through treatment for breast cancer?)

Boundaries were clearly not well placed. I have no one to blame but myself for that. Now I'm living in the shady grey areas.


Me:BS 41, WH 40 Married almost 10yrs
our precious little DD is almost 5.
WH had EMA with CoWorker for 2+yrs. D-day 12/08, separated 18mos.
R started 2010, decided to live together again after 18mo, very hard to trust again. Still trying.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: FL
featherweight
♀ 22690
Member # 22690
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

his location just changed... seems to be moving down the street toward his hotel.

guess his secret activity is done for the night.


-just spoke to him. He "just woke up to pee and saw that I had called"
I told him I couldn't sleep, asked a few questions, let him pretend to be 1/2 awake. He said he loves me, assured me that he was asleep and sorry he missed my calls...has now moved the phone close to the bed in case I needed to call him again, said he was there for me.

[This message edited by featherweight at 12:02 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Me:BS 41, WH 40 Married almost 10yrs
our precious little DD is almost 5.
WH had EMA with CoWorker for 2+yrs. D-day 12/08, separated 18mos.
R started 2010, decided to live together again after 18mo, very hard to trust again. Still trying.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: FL
lostworld
♀ 19197
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My stomach and heart hurt for you. He's clearly got some explaining and growing to do. I agree with Karma, and I also understand wanting to have enough information to confront so that he can't wriggle his way out of anything. I'd want answers about tonight, and I'd continue to trust my gut. Given that his phone is on the move, it is clear that he can't claim to have been sleeping when you called. Whatever tonight brings, it sounds like your R needs some reevaluation, and your H needs to actively engage in the process.

Don't beat yourself up over how you set boundaries in the early days of all this. Many of us found ourselves afraid to draw hard lines in the sand for fear of losing everything. I've learned that those lines would have actually helped me immensely, but at the time all hell was breaking loose, I was incapable of drawing them. Once I knew better, I did better.

Hugs, featherweight.


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 821 | Registered: Apr 2008
lostworld
♀ 19197
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 12:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We cross-posted, so I didn't see that you had spoken to him. His story doesn't wash, featherweight, and I'm so sorry. Trust yourself and know that you can do anything you need to do. You deserve honesty, respect, love, and happiness. You'll find out the truth of tonight, and you'll make choices based on that. (((featherweight)))


Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
R'd
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 821 | Registered: Apr 2008
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry.

What do you want to do?

Have you thought of taking steps to end the marriage (or make it look like you are)? drawing a hard line?

You have a choice to make, let him live blissfully happy in 2 lives and you sit in worry and sadness or you can decide you deserve better.

I vote that you put yourself first. It's hard, but you can do it. It doesn't mean he will be gone for good.It may make him realize you are serious and he better get some help. It means you will stand tall and not let him dictate the state of your life anymore.

Find your inner strength and know you are good enough, deserving enough to put yourself first.

Good luck tomorrow.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Kalliopeia
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what is down the street?

Can you look on google maps? Just type in the street address and state on google search and it will pull up the map. Click on the map and look for "street view".

They have this street view these days where you can literally "walk" down the street at street level and see the buildings. You can read signs even. You can go completely around the block too.

you could actually follow him at street level.

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 1:10 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's okay to make new boundaries for yourself, and expectations for your marriage and partner. The whole phone thing and story don't sound good. I know a lot of people say keep investigating before you confront. He can always deny and blame technology. But I feel like you should be able to ask questions and confront. Think about your boundaries. And the questions you want answered. Take care of yourself.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1482 | Registered: Dec 2011
WoundedOpus
♀ 39521
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This:

Can you look on google maps? Just type in the street address and state on google search and it will pull up the map. Click on the map and look for "street view".

They have this street view these days where you can literally "walk" down the street at street level and see the buildings. You can read signs even. You can go completely around the block too.

Also, did you take screen shots all along the way? I understand the need to feel that you have to have 'proof' before any confrontation, btdt

I'm so sorry you went through this last night, and agree that you should absolutely be able to discuss these fears with your WS before, during and after business trips, I'm in a similar place as you, scared to rock our hole filled boat :(

Maybe there were coworkers at a different hotel (male) that he hung out with before bed, maybe there's a restaurant in the other hotel and he went to eat alone, maybe he met up with a Craigslist chick, maybe he's screwing a coworker at her hotel....he shouldn't do ANYTHING that would leave you wondering and afraid! Sometimes they're up to no good, and sometimes they lie about stupid shit because they know even when they're not doing anything wrong you'll still be worried and bring it up, so they lie. Which is stupid because the lying is wrong!

(((Featherweight)))

[This message edited by WoundedOpus at 6:05 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
Beyond
♀ 3011
Member # 3011
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, {{{Featherweight}}}. I'm so sorry.

Does he know you are tracking his phone?


XOW.

Posts: 376 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Virginia
featherweight
♀ 22690
Member # 22690
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the responses. He doesn't know I track his phone. He was very angry and resistant to any measures I took to make transparency part of our relationship. He reluctantly (after cleaning up no doubt) gave me all passwords to his accounts - at least the ones I know of. Still, I've done what I can to keep my eyes open. It hasn't been easy, he's an IT expert, has two laptops for work, an iPad, iPhone - lots of means and knowledge.

I can't see anything he deletes from his phone, and I suspect most (if not all) questionable communication is done that way. He tells me he can't get detailed billing because it's a corporate account... so there is no way for me to see the history of usage. No way to see the truth, just what he forgets to delete or chooses to leave untouched.

After looking closely at maps, it looks like he was in a plaza that had a bar in it - sounds like a place he would like to sit & listen to music, drink assortment of beer... maybe he just lied because he knew I wouldn't be happy with that? Not sure why he went to one bar first "to drink soda and watch baseball" and then moved to another later. Seems odd.

There are several hotels in the area, including one directly across from the plaza with the bar. Praying the GPS was accurate and he really was at the bar... alone. Sometimes when I check it will show his location slightly off - like in another neighborhood when I know he's at home with me. Not a perfect tracking tool.

Obviously we need more boundaries in our world. Not sure why he can't just stay in his hotel room when he travels. He's a different person than what I see when we're together... at home he seems to be content watching TV while playing games on the iPad for hours.... but once he leaves home and travels for work, he's more comfortable at a bar with strangers than in his room alone.

[This message edited by featherweight at 8:57 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Me:BS 41, WH 40 Married almost 10yrs
our precious little DD is almost 5.
WH had EMA with CoWorker for 2+yrs. D-day 12/08, separated 18mos.
R started 2010, decided to live together again after 18mo, very hard to trust again. Still trying.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: FL
kiki1
♀ 37184
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((featherweight)))

Posts: 701 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
Lovedyoumore
♀ 35593
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like it IS time to set boundaries about his travel. Remember, it was his A that lead to this moment in your marriage. If he balks at any new scrutiny, take it as a big sign of no change. If he is clean and has nothing to hid, he would be proud to share his info so you would know.
Basic minimum:

Tracker on phone with his consent.

He answers all calls. If he cannot within 5 minutes, he sends text to let you know why. He gets 5 minutes after that to call.

Upon check in, he sends you hotel name, phone number, and room number. Call it if you need to. No excuses about not ringing.

He has an iPad, you FaceTime him any time ...if you have iPhone or iPad...no excuses about delaying

He lets you openly check his phone.

I know they can still cheat and delete, but trying for transparency in all things is a great start. This is not you being big brother. This is you healing and moving toward a trust, but verify type of life. If he cannot live up to the open life, then you need to make some hard lines.

Whiney, adolescent men are the most unsexy creatures on the planet. When he quits acting like a teenager on hormones, then he may earn enough respect from the strong, moral woman you are.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1611 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
crossroads2010
♀ 30213
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely understand the traveling issue...my H traveled for 15 years before dday and it never bothered me...now, it is like you said...I trust him as long as he is close to home, but away, it id really hard not to let your gut run wild especially after finding something suspicious.

Probably you do need to draw some harder lines and demand some boundries...so do I...your description of not rocking the boat sounds very much like me several years and even still today, but i am moving more and more toward a sink or swim attitude...at dday 4 years ago, I had spent the better part of the last 15 years raising tenagers...monitoring, checking, verifying as a good parent does, but i did not expect the ext 4 years would be spent doing the same with my WH...i am so tired and you will be too...but, that being said DO NOT REVEAL YOUR MONITORING TECHNIQUES to him...not yet...not now. You still need to "trust, but verify"


Posts: 624 | Registered: Nov 2010
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still, I've done what I can to keep my eyes open

Have you? He refused transparency. It doesn't matter if his phone is next to him and he's tucked in his bed in his hotel every night he travels.

He's refused transparency. You have nothing. No remorse. No spouse working on or digging. No safety.

Eyes open is acknowledging your reality. Sometimes I see posts on here that detail Sam Spade sluthing skills for spouses or partners that have already given the information needed either with continued lies or a complete lack of ownership, honesty or transparency.

You already know. He's already told you. Protect yourself. He won't.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 2:30 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 34
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