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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: The family thing still gets me
FirstLoveGone
♀ 25957
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course I can only share this on SI. . .

I can be happy for friends getting married, celebrating anniversaries, having babies. I can even go to wedding and baby showers and even anniversary parties.

But then come the FB pictures, and the pictures that are emailed, and then the email responses and FB posts. I then feel myself start to get jealous and sad for all the things DD and I lost. It's the constant barrage of shiny, happy, people (families) smiling that sometimes gets too much for me to take.

Does that make any sense? Am i being selfish? Why can't i be fully happy for my friends? How horrible is that of me?

After 4 freaking years it can still bring me to my knees that I will never have the family I want - that I set out to have with XH.

I hate that I feel this way.


Posts: 1278 | Registered: Oct 2009
fallingquickly
♀ 36599
Member # 36599
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FirstLoveGone)))

I understand.

Remember though that what you see on FB or even in real life is the outside. People did not know what was really going on in my life from looking at my FB page or from talking to me at the supermarket. Don't envy those people. You do not know what they have gone through or are going through. We do not know someone's life from the outside.

Just celebrate that there are happy moments in everyone's lives and hope and work toward finding more of them in your life.


Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)

I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken

There came a point when it was too painful to love him, so I stopped.


Posts: 455 | Registered: Aug 2012
h0peless
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get it. My brother called me last Wednesday to ask questions about the engagement ring he was about to buy his girlfriend. I was married three years ago last Wednesday. I proposed four years ago this Thursday. It was all I could do to not make a snarky comment.

I think all we can do is remember the joy we felt in those moments and be happy for the poeple who will hopefully get it right. I proposed to my ex in a cave (at the entrance, it was a really beautiful spot) and I remember that we both felt like we were floating the whole two mile hike back to my Jeep. As great as that was, it doesn't make the pain worthwhile but I'd be incredibly happy for my brother if he got to have that joy without the pain that came after it for me.

When I start to get bitter, I just remind myself of how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things, suck it up and do the best I can to be happy for others.


Posts: 1851 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
peridot
♀ 18334
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sure some of those people are really happy but I'm sure a lot of them aren't. I know several people who look like they have the best lives in the world on Facebook but in reality they don't.

My marriage was one of those happy looking couples on the outside but behind closed doors our marriage was a disaster. Even my family thought we were this nice happy couple, the perfect little family. Things aren't always what they seem to be.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4801 | Registered: Feb 2008
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is that quote? Don't look backwards; it's not where you're going...

Your X was an ass; why bemoan the fact that he's no longer part of your family? You now have a chance to make a really happy family with your DD, and it can truly be anything you want because you don't have to consider that asshole.


Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the tylenol?

Posts: 20559 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember seething whenever an intact, apparently happy little family walked past me or sat near me. Yes - seething. At happy mums, dads, kids.

I hated that I had become this person - I wasn't that person, I am not that person. I was momentarily disfigured by grief.

It stopped when I had an aha moment of sorts - I was NEVER going to have that life with that man. Even if we were 'intact'.

A painful and uncomfortable truth. I'm still pissed off about and I feel terribly defrauded it but even that is waning.

I don't know what came first, acceptance or surrender. Both essential to my healing. I was stuck in an ugly place and reached a point where I had enough.

I think I will always mourn the family I set out to have. I didn't sign up for this. It is so fucking unbelievably unfair. To my girls, to me. He failed them. I feel I failed them in choosing him (yes, not good but I'm working on it).

The dream has changed slightly but I can still have that dream. MY little family IS intact, it is happy, loving, joyful, cuddly and everyone in it feels cherished.

You can still have the family you want - try to think beyond its composition and consider its heart and soul. The heart of my family beats loud and strong - I can almost see the vibrations of the beat. I couldn't hear it in my M for all of the noisy misery, I couldn't see it for all the head in the sand, gouging my eyes out I was doing.

I'm sad for all I missed. I am thrilled that my fog was cleared in time. I could have missed another 5, 10 years whilst busily beating that dead horse of an M.

I feel blessed to have a second chance to have that family I always dreamed of.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j

What is that quote? Don't look backwards; it's not where you're going..

LOVE that quote. I finally figured out that it's TrustGone that has it on her tagline.. I try to tell myself that all the time..

t/j

FirstLoveGone, if it helps, I was just saying to my mom yesterday that there are sooooo many things I want to post on Facebook about what I'm going through, songs, quotes, just generally, "My STBX is a lying fucking snake!" You know stuff like that, but I keep FORCING myself to only post positive things, stuff about the kids, fun stuff we are doing, funny pictures or quotes, etc. I think I'm the prime example of someone with their life falling to pieces behind the door, but I still project happiness on Facebook as much as possible..

Everyone is right. What you see on Facebook is the mask a lot of people put on to project how happy and fun their life is. EVERYONE has troubles behind the scene.. Please try not to get to jealous or upset by what other people seem to have. It's just not the truth, not by a long shot..

Hugs..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I feel the exact same way. FB is hard to look at sometimes. I remember people telling us that we had a beautiful family and I loved that. I feel so cheated out of the family that I always wanted.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
FirstLoveGone
♀ 25957
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all.

The thing is, I WAS that happy person in a marriage. My XH wasn't a douche in our marriage. I thought we had a good marriage until one day he came home and said he didn't love me anymore.

I know every marriage isn't perfect, but I KNOW my friends are happy in theirs. And so what still pains me, is that I don't have that. Seeing what I don't have plastered all over FB and shoved in my face through emails is sometimes too much to bear.

I know I'm whining. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by FirstLoveGone at 10:29 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1278 | Registered: Oct 2009
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I WAS that happy person in a marriage. My XH wasn't a douche in our marriage. I thought we had a good marriage until one day he came home and said he didn't love me anymore.

Yes, same here. I was happy. Very happy. And I thought we had a great marriage. And then one day he left. Now I know that it wasn't the great marriage I thought it was, and he didn't just decide one day to leave. There was just so much that I didn't know. One the surface our marriage was perfect. So much so that even I thought it was. But it wasn't. Looking at others marriages, they might seem perfect but it doesn't mean they are.

But I do know what you mean. Absolutely. Having the families shoved in my face hurts.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 10

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