Topic: Xwh died today
Member # 13443
| Posted: 11:14 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013|
I was at work. I work in the business center and answered the phone. At first I thought a bill collector was trying to contact me because I was asked for by name. It was xwh's brother in law. His exact words were: "Shellshocked mom? This is bil. Xwh is dead." I dropped the phone and walked into the manager office and said that I needed to leave. I don't remember much after that, except that I called my dad to meet me at the house so that I could tell my three kids. I think that telling them the news is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was harder than explaining the divorce or any of the times that he didn't show up. I know that the funeral will be difficult. I am in shock. I have yet to speak to the ow/new xwh. That will happen tomorrow when we meet at the funeral home to make the arrangements.
I was able to meet with my IC tonight. It really helped me pull it back together and prepare a game plan for how to handle this next phase. The kids will be meeting with their IC either tomorrow or Monday.
Personally, I am very confused. I know he was my x, but I feel like I am now a widow. I'm angry that I am not the widow, yet I am also relieved that I do not have to handle all of the decision making and contacting everyone. My only job was to tell the kids and help them cope. New xwh has the job of contacting everyone, dealing with the endless phone calls, making all the arrangements, and she will be the one that has to deal with all of his belongings and debt. She is the one that found him. I won't have to live with that image of him. I am very sad that he died, but I am very thankful that I did not have to deal with contacting the morgue.
Posts: 311 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Burleson TX
Member # 36445
| Posted: 11:18 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013|
I am so sorry. ((SSM and your children))
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
Posts: 1530 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 32554
| Posted: 11:35 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013|
Oh mercy! ((((HUGS))))
Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
|Grace and Flowers|
Member # 34431
| Posted: 11:46 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013|
I'm so sorry. (((((SSM)))))
"Absence makes the clarity grow stronger" - cantaccept
"A good man with good intentions has no reason to lie" - somer222
Posts: 1398 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Member # 18522
| Posted: 11:48 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013|
What a mixed bag of emotions this must have dredged up for you.
I'm so sorry. I'm saying a prayer for you and your kiddos.
2 kids: DD16 and DS19
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
Posts: 8010 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Member # 33226
| Posted: 11:49 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013|
Oh, honey. (((((ssm & kids)))))
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
Posts: 40111 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 28622
| Posted: 11:54 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013|
mixed bag is exactly what I was thinking. I am so sorry.
((((ssmom))) hugs to your kids too.
Me: 45, independent, happy, despite parallel parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 15 DS 12
Posts: 7052 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Member # 18334
| Posted: 12:10 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
(((ssm and kids)))
I think...therefore, I'm single.
It is what it is.
Posts: 4906 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 19595
| Posted: 12:13 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
I'm so sorry of the loss of your XH and the kid's Dad.
I divorced my 1st XH when I was in my early 20s. We had a working co-parent relationship and he had remarried to a good lady.
He died when our DD was 12. It was very difficult for both of us. He was only 29.
Just be there for the kids and answer the truth to their questions (age appropriate)
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.
Posts: 20488 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 14918
| Posted: 12:27 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
I'm so sorry. Please hug your kids and know that all here are thinking of you right now. (((Shell and kids)))
Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?
Posts: 1577 | Registered: Jun 2007
Member # 36579
| Posted: 1:06 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
I'm so sorry
Look after yourself and your children (((ssm)))
EA Jun-Aug 12 (OW1)FB flirting and then EA/PA with OW2 (Aug-Dec 12). New OW Jan 13, introduced her to the kids immediately.
Married 10 years, together 14yrs
2 kids (DS13 & DD8)
Separated Jan 13. Divorced Jun 14
Posts: 185 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 19772
| Posted: 1:15 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
I don't 'know' what you're feeling, but I do. I'm sorry for that.
I don't know what to say, so I will leave you a 'peace be with you'.
Posts: 14996 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 37215
| Posted: 2:14 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
I am so sorry. It must be a very difficult time for you and your children. (((((hugs)))))
Posts: 2868 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 13443
| Posted: 3:29 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
I am in a fog. My kids are reacting as I had anticipated. My daughter has thrown herself into contacting all of her friends and they are helping her cope. Both of my boys are autistic. The oldest has yet to say anything. My youngest cried for five minutes and then asked if he could go play on the xbox.
My IC session was very helpful. He gave me some valuable information. I was married to xwh for 18 years. Our oldest child just turned 18 and graduated high school. I have never remarried. I have to apply, but I qualify for Social Security death benefits because I am the surviving divorced widow. My children qualify (not sure about daughter because she does not start college until August). Xwh had been unemployed since the day after Thanksgiving last year and had not been paying child support. I am not sure if his new wife will qualify for benefits.
VENT Alert: (and me being tacky) She stole my husband. She thought she was getting a prize. Their 3rd anniversary is July 1. They lost their house, neither one had a job, they had both cars repossessed, he lost his grandfather and mom just last month. Ow/wife has no job, no place to live, no car, and no ability to work. After the funeral I will not have to deal with her anymore. My heart breaks for my children because they are the ones that will miss Dad being at all of the future big moments of their lives. I am grieving his loss, but I am so very relieved that I will not have to share any of these special moments in the presence of him and the ow. He did me a huge favor by leaving. I have had four years to adjust to his not being here. I was able to get on my feet financially and learn to be independent. I will miss him, but his death will not ruin me or the children.
Posts: 311 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Burleson TX
Member # 37656
| Posted: 3:30 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
So sorry to hear that your Xwh passed on. Holding good, healing thoughts for you and your children. Hugs
I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Member # 33882
| Posted: 4:10 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
Thinking of you and your children....
Me - BW
Very happily divorced from an NPD since 2013.
Posts: 3898 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Member # 35229
| Posted: 4:44 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
I have read this thread several times today and have been trying to think of the right thing to say.
I ended up trying to put myself in your shoes - I would feel exactly the same way.
I would be grieving the man I married and the father of my children. I would grieve for my children too. I would feel confused about these feelings and I would also feel guilty about the feeling of relief. Not guilt because of him but because of my children. Because I did love this man once. I am not surprised to find I would mourn his passing.
I am sorry for your loss. Recent and past. - all of it.
Sending you strength for the times ahead.
I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!
Posts: 5996 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 16024
| Posted: 6:16 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
(((shellshockedmom and kids)))
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone.” ~ Brene Brown
Posts: 54995 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 30346
| Posted: 6:44 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
me...BS, 46 years old.
Posts: 4738 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 31094
| Posted: 6:47 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013|
((((((((((SSM & kids)))))))))))
Posts: 3446 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
|Topic Posts: 49|