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Xwh died today

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shellshockedmom posted 6/25/2013 23:14 PM

I was at work. I work in the business center and answered the phone. At first I thought a bill collector was trying to contact me because I was asked for by name. It was xwh's brother in law. His exact words were: "Shellshocked mom? This is bil. Xwh is dead." I dropped the phone and walked into the manager office and said that I needed to leave. I don't remember much after that, except that I called my dad to meet me at the house so that I could tell my three kids. I think that telling them the news is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It was harder than explaining the divorce or any of the times that he didn't show up. I know that the funeral will be difficult. I am in shock. I have yet to speak to the ow/new xwh. That will happen tomorrow when we meet at the funeral home to make the arrangements.

I was able to meet with my IC tonight. It really helped me pull it back together and prepare a game plan for how to handle this next phase. The kids will be meeting with their IC either tomorrow or Monday.

Personally, I am very confused. I know he was my x, but I feel like I am now a widow. I'm angry that I am not the widow, yet I am also relieved that I do not have to handle all of the decision making and contacting everyone. My only job was to tell the kids and help them cope. New xwh has the job of contacting everyone, dealing with the endless phone calls, making all the arrangements, and she will be the one that has to deal with all of his belongings and debt. She is the one that found him. I won't have to live with that image of him. I am very sad that he died, but I am very thankful that I did not have to deal with contacting the morgue.

Bluebird26 posted 6/25/2013 23:18 PM

I am so sorry. ((SSM and your children))

Nature_Girl posted 6/25/2013 23:35 PM

Oh mercy! ((((HUGS))))

Grace and Flowers posted 6/25/2013 23:46 PM

I'm so sorry. (((((SSM)))))

woundedby2 posted 6/25/2013 23:48 PM


What a mixed bag of emotions this must have dredged up for you.

I'm so sorry. I'm saying a prayer for you and your kiddos.

nowiknow23 posted 6/25/2013 23:49 PM

Oh, honey. (((((ssm & kids)))))

caregiver9000 posted 6/25/2013 23:54 PM

mixed bag is exactly what I was thinking. I am so sorry.

((((ssmom))) hugs to your kids too.

peridot posted 6/26/2013 00:10 AM

(((ssm and kids)))

gma56 posted 6/26/2013 00:13 AM

I'm so sorry of the loss of your XH and the kid's Dad.

I divorced my 1st XH when I was in my early 20s. We had a working co-parent relationship and he had remarried to a good lady.

He died when our DD was 12. It was very difficult for both of us. He was only 29.
Just be there for the kids and answer the truth to their questions (age appropriate)
Big Hugs

ArkLaMiss posted 6/26/2013 00:27 AM

I'm so sorry. Please hug your kids and know that all here are thinking of you right now. (((Shell and kids)))

AussieMum posted 6/26/2013 01:06 AM

I'm so sorry Look after yourself and your children (((ssm)))

wannabenormal posted 6/26/2013 01:15 AM

I don't 'know' what you're feeling, but I do. I'm sorry for that.

I don't know what to say, so I will leave you a 'peace be with you'.


dmari posted 6/26/2013 02:14 AM

I am so sorry. It must be a very difficult time for you and your children. (((((hugs)))))

shellshockedmom posted 6/26/2013 03:29 AM

I am in a fog. My kids are reacting as I had anticipated. My daughter has thrown herself into contacting all of her friends and they are helping her cope. Both of my boys are autistic. The oldest has yet to say anything. My youngest cried for five minutes and then asked if he could go play on the xbox.

My IC session was very helpful. He gave me some valuable information. I was married to xwh for 18 years. Our oldest child just turned 18 and graduated high school. I have never remarried. I have to apply, but I qualify for Social Security death benefits because I am the surviving divorced widow. My children qualify (not sure about daughter because she does not start college until August). Xwh had been unemployed since the day after Thanksgiving last year and had not been paying child support. I am not sure if his new wife will qualify for benefits.

VENT Alert: (and me being tacky) She stole my husband. She thought she was getting a prize. Their 3rd anniversary is July 1. They lost their house, neither one had a job, they had both cars repossessed, he lost his grandfather and mom just last month. Ow/wife has no job, no place to live, no car, and no ability to work. After the funeral I will not have to deal with her anymore. My heart breaks for my children because they are the ones that will miss Dad being at all of the future big moments of their lives. I am grieving his loss, but I am so very relieved that I will not have to share any of these special moments in the presence of him and the ow. He did me a huge favor by leaving. I have had four years to adjust to his not being here. I was able to get on my feet financially and learn to be independent. I will miss him, but his death will not ruin me or the children.

Dawn58 posted 6/26/2013 03:30 AM

So sorry to hear that your Xwh passed on. Holding good, healing thoughts for you and your children. Hugs

nutmegkitty posted 6/26/2013 04:10 AM

Thinking of you and your children....

SBB posted 6/26/2013 04:44 AM

I have read this thread several times today and have been trying to think of the right thing to say.

I ended up trying to put myself in your shoes - I would feel exactly the same way.

I would be grieving the man I married and the father of my children. I would grieve for my children too. I would feel confused about these feelings and I would also feel guilty about the feeling of relief. Not guilt because of him but because of my children. Because I did love this man once. I am not surprised to find I would mourn his passing.

I am sorry for your loss. Recent and past. - all of it.

Sending you strength for the times ahead.


authenticnow posted 6/26/2013 06:16 AM

(((shellshockedmom and kids)))

cmego posted 6/26/2013 06:44 AM


itainteasy posted 6/26/2013 06:47 AM

((((((((((SSM & kids)))))))))))

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