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boxofchocolate posted 6/26/2013 00:23 AM

[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:52 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

stilllovinghim posted 6/26/2013 01:00 AM

First of all, welcome to SI.

Now did I understand correctly that your SO currently has no knowledge of your unfaithfulness? If this is the case he needs to know. Write out a timeline and give it to him. Don't leave out any details. Your SO deserves to know what happened, ESPECIALLY before the two of you make any commitments; large or small.

You seem like a very dependant person and one huge thing you'll need to learn is how to make yourself happy first and not rely on another to fill that void as well as to be okay with YOU no matter the outcome of your relationship. I'm not saying this to hurt you but to help you.

Also, if the BS of the AP is in the dark, she too needs to be made aware....I get the feeling your not your AP's first OW...

You seem very fragile and I highly reccomend seeing an IC (Individual Counselor) who can help direct you in healing your hurts.

I also suggest you point your SO here, he's entitled to his own healing and this is a great place for BS's and WS's. You two will also need relationship counseling if you both decide to commit.

I know counseling isn't for everyone, and that's okay. Sometimes though we need guidance to help steer us in the right direction.

Once again, welcome and when you have time be sure to check out the Healing Library.

BaxtersBFF posted 6/26/2013 07:23 AM

Welcome to SI boxofchocolate,

I agree with everything SLHim just said. I got the same impressions reading your post.

Even though your SO said he didn't want to know, he will know someday right? If you guys choose to get M and/or become intimate...something's going to be not as he expected. From the experiences we've read here on SI, this is going to become an issue at some point, and your SO sticking his head in the sand is not going to work long term.

So, when you were a kid, and you went from one relative to the next, was there really no one that you connected with? Were you at least treated well? I'm asking because I'm curious if anyone has ever made as much of an effort on you as your SO has over the years. I mean, it's great that he helped you out so much, but how has that contributed to your dynamic when you're together? How has that affected your feelings for him?

Other than self protection from not having a home and family where you felt the love that children need, have you ever stood on your own? Not just living on your own, but being on your own in an emotionally healthy way? Do you know who you are or who you would have been if you would have had a different upbringing?

I hope you find the help you are seeking here.

boxofchocolate posted 6/26/2013 14:49 PM

[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:55 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

ophelia24 posted 6/26/2013 17:58 PM

Hey there,

I am twice your age and cheated on my H within 3 weeks of our relationship over 20 years ago with his good friend. I finally confessed to this about 3 months ago (as well as other A's). It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wish I had come clean a long time ago as the lies over the years through omitting this vital information, does even more damage.

I think it is important to think very hard about why you are telling him (assuming you do, which I highly recommend) as this may be a question he asks of you. It has to be more than about just assuaging your own guilt, but rather, that you love him enough to give him a choice to choose you, knowing ALL the information about his relationship with you. And you also need to be prepared that this might be a deal breaker for him.

However, if you are going to continue your life with integrity, then you need to do this for yourself, whether you stay together or not. Believe me, coming from someone who was a liar and a cheater throughout my marriage, that secrets are FELT all the way through, often in ways you are not aware of.

Its hard to do, and takes courage, but when in doubt, go with truth. It really does set you free.

Good luck.

ophelia24 posted 6/26/2013 18:07 PM

And I also wanted to say that if you are going to work through this, then the reason you gave for sleeping with a co worker (wanting more than one sexual partner) is not going to cut it. I think you know this yourself at some level. Its too easy an excuse. And that's all it is, an excuse.

As I mentioned in my previous post, integrity is something we need for ourselves, that affects all aspects of our lives. Your bf does not get to give you permission to not act with integrity, which I got from you saying he didn't want to know if you did sleep with someone, something I find very WW thinking, and makes me wonder if he has done something himself.

You are not alone in this. We are all struggling and working on why we do/did what we do/did. Its on going learning and growth, and does not come without pain.

boxofchocolate posted 6/26/2013 19:38 PM

[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:57 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

uncertainone posted 6/26/2013 20:19 PM

Welcome. Please consider once he knows he will very likely view every part of your relationship as a lie.

Don't allow him to invest any more time or money until he has ALL the facts.

Tell him now.

I would also encourage you to be on your own. He isn't a surrogate parent. You want a partner. Not a guardian. In order to have a partner you need to be a partner.

You aren't in a place of health to be able to offer that right now. I know this sounds terrifying but I hope you respect him and yourself enough to give him honesty then start the work needed to find and build on your skill sets. You don't ever want to "need" someone.

Once you can stand alone you can walk beside another. It's not his job to carry you, boxofchocolate. It's honestly not a healthy dynamic for either of you.

boxofchocolate posted 6/26/2013 20:40 PM

[This message edited by boxofchocolate at 10:58 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

ws0235 posted 6/29/2013 13:49 PM

Without even seeing the total context, I think this situation might relate very closely to mine in some ways. I really appreciate the positive affirmations that it was right to tell him, to give him the choice whether or not to stay with me knowing all the facts, that it could never have been right between us with that secret looming over me, because all I can see right now is how much I've hurt him, and fear that he will never recover. I have to have faith that God or someone He sends will help him heal, because he won't talk to me.

stilllovinghim posted 6/29/2013 20:42 PM

????? What happened to your posts, Boxofchocolate? Nothing can be fixed if you erase it. Even your first posts are gone....what gives?

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 8:44 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

authenticnow posted 6/29/2013 21:53 PM

boxofchocolate,

Please do not delete your posts. It is against the guidelines and not fair to the members who take the time to respond and try to help you.

DELETING/EDITING CONTENT: Please use the edit feature to make corrections or additions to your posts but do not use it to remove the entire contents of your post. SI.com does not delete entire threads unless absolutely necessary, even at the original Author's request. Members take time to show support and deleting them would be offensive to those that responded. Please be sure you're comfortable with your post before hitting the Send button.