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Bandaid solutions to real problems.

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vivere posted 6/26/2013 00:31 AM

We are fine, we just have to avoid sensitive topics such as the A, the prostitutes, the lying, his family not accepting me, his reluctance to talk, his childhood molestation, his brother's continued A...

What's left - the weather???

I suspect if we follow this course we will be talking about another A further down the track

Flatlined123 posted 6/26/2013 05:13 AM

I think if you avoid all those topics you're going to be D down the road.

That is not remorse. That's not owning it.

That is not helping you and giving you what you need.


boontje posted 6/26/2013 06:52 AM

Your situation doesn't even resemble a bandaid solution at this point. It is rugsweeping at its finest. I am so sorry. Have you considered MC or IC?

kiki1 posted 6/26/2013 12:25 PM

hello Oblivious

I'm in the same exact boat as yourself. I'm thinking its time for me to give up on R I cant do this anymore.

sisoon posted 6/26/2013 15:24 PM

Just to be sure - you're aware that nothing will change unless one of you initiates a change, right?

What are you doing about the rug-sweeping?

There are lots of answers that could help you heal. The one approach that won't lead to healing is simply to stay silent, 'cause silence implies consent. So what do you want? What are you willing to do to get it?

vivere posted 6/26/2013 21:21 PM

I'm thinking perhaps that I am the problem. It's been over 18 months and he thinks we've covered everything. Says I keep on bringing up the same things. I can't deny this because I'm all a muddle now. What have we discussed, what have I just thought long and hard about? It's all just one big fucking mess.

I know I've never received a time line but he believes he has told me all he remembers. He thinks I dwell on the why too much. It feels a bit like it's too late now anyway.

I'm pretty sure he has remained faithful since I discovered the extent of everything, he even says he doesn't watch porn anymore (although he admits wanting to). Why isn't that enough?

We get along really well most of the time. Sex is frequent. He tries to contribute more around the house. He shares parenting roles. I just don't feel like it is enough.

We argued recently because I brought up the past, he got tight lipped, I got annoyed and everything escalated. In anger I said things I shouldn't have. I'm not proud of that.

Sisoon, I don't think I know what I need to heal. I don't know what I want.

sisoon posted 6/27/2013 12:21 PM


Keep reading and posting, and I suspect you'll figure out what you want and how to get it.

confused615 posted 6/27/2013 12:27 PM

sisoon..short of separation or divorce..what can be done about a rugsweeping spouse?

sisoon posted 6/27/2013 14:59 PM


confused has made me rethink and rewrite, because she's made a very important point....

I read your pain. I can almost feel it. I think you do know at least some of what you want - you want your H to come clean about the A, to deal with his CSA, his brother's betrayal, and you want him to either get his family to make a place for you or to drop his family. That's just a start WRT what you want to feel safe. And it's entirely reasonable to want all these things.

What concerns me and what is painful to me about reading your posts in this thread is that you're alone and in pain, but you seem stuck - and that means you keep subjecting yourself to more and more pain.

Again, your H won't change what he's doing unless someone give him reasons to change, and you're in the best spot to be that someone.

Why are you staying with your H?

Have you considered doing the 180?

You don't owe me any answers, but you do owe answers to yourself.

sadandtrying posted 6/28/2013 10:55 AM

...your H won't change what he's doing unless someone gives him reasons to change, and you're in the best spot to be that someone.

I've seen, read, and lived's true..and what's really unfortunate is that you will end up feeling increasingly disappointed in yourself for compromising the things that are really important to you....that's an unfair and lonely place for you, (((onn))).....

If he won't talk about the things that need to be talked about, do you really, truly want him?
Won't it always feel like there are elephants in the room - that YOU see and feel, but he doesn't/won't?

Please let your your H know that you need to approach these issues in order to begin to establish the kind of intimacy you both need. Please keep us posted...

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