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I thought I had detatched.....

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numbandnauseous posted 6/26/2013 01:00 AM

Ugh - I just have to spout off. STBX secured his condo today, bought the kids bunk beds and sheets, spoke with his lawyer (female), and is moving along like he is excited for his new beginning. Just. like. that. After 20 years..... It makes me feel like a tossed-aside piece of trash. WTF? Has he been wanting out for years and just never had the balls to do it? What a fucking asshole!

And, I am so pissed at how he is doing it - he is such a fucking coward that he never even told me that he wasn't going to be doing the STD/CSAT thing, and that he didn't want our M - just never mentioned it again. He is such a fucking cowardly, weasely slimeball - I fucking hate him. How can you change on a dime from "I'll do anything to save our M" to "I've got my condo secured and decorated and I move out in a couple of days?"
I will never understand how he thinks....

This is so awful...... I go from angry to crying within minutes and the cycle keeps repeating. He seems like he has moved on already. I am just in shock on how a person could be so cold. And, if he hates me that much that it is so easy for him to move on, WHY DID HE STAY M TO ME?!!!! That is so fucking cruel and cowardly.

He showed me a list of things he wants to take out of the house and it is just clothes, pictures, dishes, towels, etc. He is also taking his telescope (which he has never used in the 10+ years he's had it) and he wrote "gift" next to it, as though he needs the extra justification to take a fucking telescope that no one knows how to use from our house. He also wrote "gift" next to his Starbucks coffee maker that his mommy bought him for Christmas.

How long does this last? I thought I was doing well with detachment, but it hurts for someone to actually seem excited that they are getting divorced from you only a couple of days after filing.

Nature_Girl posted 6/26/2013 01:51 AM

What's normal is for you to cycle up & down, sometimes rapidly, sometimes several cycles in a day. It's a fucking roller-coaster ride straight to hell and through hell and then back to hell again. And again.

The anger is very useful. It will give you the emotional, mental & physical energy to get stuff done & protect you from emotionally getting entangled with your STBX again.

Getting through a divorce is not a straight line, sad to say. It's maddening. It's Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Which takes you to hell.

realitybites posted 6/26/2013 06:21 AM

Yeah I agree that you will have up days and down days. You will seem super strong and ready to accept it all and then on days like today you will be dumbfounded at the stupidity of it all.

He can move on because he was already doing it in his mind. Sadly they are already steps ahead of us in a game that we never knew had already started.

Let him keep setting up house. He will still try to hoover you back in. Wipe your eyes and say "OK, that was my one fall apart moment for today" and then keep moving forward. You will be OK.

Sad in AZ posted 6/26/2013 06:33 AM

These are difficult days, but they will pass. I could have written (and probably did) your post two years ago.

Start focusing on yourself--what makes you happy. Where do you want to go in life? Once you lose the focus on him, things will get better--I promise.

SBB posted 6/26/2013 07:30 AM

Those first few weeks after S were the most brutal for me. 3m False R of him begging, pleading, promising switched off just like that.

That he had manipulated me like that at a time when I was the most vulnerable was a huge shock. I was hurt/angry for some time. On the floor - howling at the moon. I remember being curled up on the floor hugging myself so hard I could feel my fingernails digging into my skin.


God, just remembering it gives me a lump in my throat.

It was a necessary step. Hideous, agonising but necessary. I felt like I had no skin. Its almost as if I had to shed my skin to be rid of every trace of him.

I will say once that passed I felt clean. Energised. My new skin is lovely.

Channel the anger friend. Channel it into detaching. Acceptance and surrender came after the shock and pain. These stages of grief aren't a straight line - I go back and forth even today but not at anywhere near the intensity of those early days.

Be gentle with yourself. What you are feeling is completely normal. That damn four letter word, time will help as will detaching, acceptance and surrender.

It won't always hurt this bad. I promise you.


ButterflyGirl posted 6/26/2013 08:00 AM

I could be wrong here, but I think he WANTS you to be in shock at his attitude. He WANTED you to break down. He wanted you crying again and begging him and questioning why he didn't go to CSAT and STD testing.. I think he's trying just another trick to suck you back into the crazy and get you engaging..

Remember my predication of him saying, "Well I didn't think you would forgive me anyway." I think he's looking for a chance to say that. DON'T give it to him. He is making his choices. Let him follow through and realize the consequences on his own.

I think he is blatantly trying to hurt your feelings with all this planning. (I would even question how much he really got done with the condo and bunk beds and talking to a lawyer.)

My advice would be to tell him "GREAT! Can't wait till you get the hell out of here!"

Save you sadness for here. Anything you tell him is ego kibbles. Please remember that you do NOT want a man who is so willing to drop his family like this. You deserve way better.


And hugs..

hathnofury posted 6/26/2013 10:17 AM

(((Numb))) I am so sorry. It appears the talk you had before was just him posturing. He never intended to change, he was just trying to lay groundwork for blame-shifting and gaslighting to justify what he always intended to do. He's shown you who he really is. Believe that and proceed as planned.

Can you see your IC? Now is the time to gather all your support. Touch bases with everyone that can help. You don't have to ask for any help now, just let them know your sitch so they can be ready to help as needed. You need to be in top mental and physical shape to navigate this part of your journey.

Totally agree with everyone, NC except finances and kids. Tell him he has three days (or whatever) to get whatever he wants out, and then change the locks. Or if you are worried about it, move his crap to the garage and change the locks now. Any other involvement is only going to feed his crazy and not help YOU.

Hang in there mama. You can do this!

stronggirl72 posted 6/26/2013 10:46 AM

Getting through a divorce is not a straight line, sad to say. It's maddening. It's Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Which takes you to hell.

Well said, NG.

These 'rites of passage' always seemed to highlight the emotion for me, also. I do know that it will pass and you will be okay.

In the meantime, I'm sending strength and hugs.

numbandnauseous posted 6/26/2013 11:43 AM

Thank you, everyone!
I have not asked about STD/CSAT and I won't - won't give him the satisfaction. I have been playing it as you said - can't wait for you to get out of here. He even said to me last night, "You can't wait for me to get out of here, can you?" I jus laughed.

Then after he read the Sandcastles D book that I gave him, he said that he would like to stay for another week per the book's recommendation. He was going to get his condo set up this weekend, tell the kids on Monday, and then move out on Monday or Tuesday. So now I will have to deal with him for another week.

I have decided that I will just go out in the evenings when he gets home so I don't have to see/deal with him.

And lastly, a question:
He came into our bathroom while I was taking a shower last night to ask me a question. I felt so violated. He also took a shower in our bathroom this morning even though he sleeps downstairs and has a shower down there (although just a prefab one; not the rain shower/spa side showers that we have in our master bathroom) - again, I feel violated. How do I tell him these things are not acceptable without sounding bitter, angry, etc.? I want to sound strong when I am setting these boundaries with him and not like I am being P/A or vengeful (because I am not).

Edited for clarity.

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 11:45 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

LifeIsBroken posted 6/26/2013 12:03 PM

Simply tell him there are certain rooms he is no longer welcome to enter: YOUR bedroom and bath. Simple as that. Lock the door next time. Actually, I'd tell him he needs to leave now, forget another week. The sooner he is out the door, the sooner you can focus on you. As to why or how WS's can just walk away? Who knows. Heartless. No soul. No conscience. Thinking only of themselves and *finally being happy.* I've reminded myself that MY sense of happy is different than xh's. MY sense of happy includes honesty, integrity, faithfulness, honor, a realistic outlook on life. His sense of happy is far different. Let him have at it and see how that works for him because it's really no longer your problem - NOR you obligation to give him anything or do anything for him ever again. I had to remind my xh, after we separated, "You don't live here anymore per your choice." In other words, You now have no access to the house or to me." Protect yourself. Stand your ground. Don't give in. And don't give up on YOU. You will get through this hell and you will be glad his drama is no longer a daily page of your life.

realitybites posted 6/26/2013 12:10 PM

I would ask you why are you afraid of telling him? In fact you letting him stay over the weekend is just torture for you.

You sit him down and say you have rules that need to be followed while he is there for the next couple of days. If he won't follow them then he needs to get out now.

Don't be afraid to set up your own boundries.

suckstobeme posted 6/26/2013 12:17 PM

I'm so sorry. It hurts so much at your stage of the game and the roller coaster of up days and down days is tough. They can last a while, particularly as you try to process his ultra cruel behavior.

Mine did a lot of the same. It was like he couldn't wait to get out. He was actually fine the day of his move while I thought I was going to faint at any given moment. It was surreal. He never shed a tear, and I don't think he even said goodbye. I know he never said he was sorry. It was like those fifteen years and I never existed.

At that point, i realized that he had checked out long before. His detachment and resentment toward me had been slowly building for a long time before I ever even suspected something was wrong. When he hit me with the ILYBINILWY speech, it was like a mafia hit. Surprise, right in the back of the head with no chance that I would ever see it coming. That kind of cruel, cowardly behavior from someone who promised to love you forever is hard to get past.

The best reaction for you now is total NC, unless there has to be communication about kids and finances. It will keep him off balance and he will likely continue to use the "she wouldn't forgive me" excuse. Mine did that too. He told my IC that I would never get past any of this. Funny how he never even thought about giving me a chance to do that. That's just a twisted way for them to say that they are either too lazy or too afraid to look at their mess and do the hard work to clean it up.

I've been NC for a long time unless it has to do with the kids. I've built up such a wall to him that I honestly think he thinks I could care less. He has no idea of the horrible pain he's caused me and my children. He has no idea that i still cry sometimes and i still go to IC over all of this. He has no idea of tue dark, dark thoughts that have raced through my head when it seems like the entire rest of the world is asleep. I won't let him see that. He doesn't deserve to see any more of me or my soul. Yours doesn't either.

As far as him using your bathroom, just tell him that he can't. You no longer share a bedroom and he's moving out. Your room is private and his room is his. Keep it that way. If he doesn't like it, tell him to get a hotel room or go shower with OW. He lost all rights to the nice spa shower and sharing private space with you the second he stepped out. Poor widdle peanut will have to hose off the mud somewhere else.

hathnofury posted 6/26/2013 12:55 PM

Key lock on your bedroom door. Now. You not only don't want him in there when you are showering, but you don't want him looking through your stuff while you are out. Or heaven forbid, putting a VAR or whatever in your room.

There is no shame in telling him he needs to get out now if you need that. Or establishing very firm boundaries and rules if he stays a week. The point is it is YOUR call and YOU decide.

numbandnauseous posted 6/26/2013 13:04 PM

Thank you everyone!

We just canceled our summer vacation beach home reservation. His thought process was amazing:
"I don't want to go with just me and the kids because they will miss you and I don't think they will want to be away from you for that long. (1 week) If you go, then we can still rent the beach house, but I don't know how things will be between you and I."

Does he think that we will be friends during and after the D? Yes, I'm sure he does.

stronggirl72 posted 6/26/2013 14:14 PM

I have decided that I will just go out in the evenings when he gets home so I don't have to see/deal with him.

We went through in-house separation for quite some time, and I really wasn't able start healing until I decided to leave when he was at the house. It also immensely reduced the stress levels.

We did not cancel our beach vacation, and it was a total disaster with bad feelings, emotional discomfort, and even a screaming match over how I treated him in the M. I am glad to hear you won't be subjecting yourself to the potential set-backs that can happen with vacationing together.


[This message edited by stronggirl72 at 2:14 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

15kat16 posted 6/26/2013 14:16 PM

Do these guys all have the same brain? It never ceases to amaze me when I read the exact words that describe many parts of my S, his leaving with not a tear or goodbye (of course I told him I would not be home the day he left-and I was not), having his new life already up and running...after 30 yrs it was, and 1 1/2yrs later, still is hurtful beyond words. I'm going thru the same emotional roller coaster-we all do-on the downhill right now but know from past experience it will go back up again. Hang in there. Be true to yourself & remember that your kids need your strength so much. As for him and his extra week, bathroom privileges, etc....all I have for that is a huge FU.

Vulcanized posted 6/26/2013 14:21 PM

Does he think that we will be friends during and after the D? Yes, I'm sure he does.

Sadly, yes, he prolly does.

I have to agree w/others, I'd tell him to hit the pike. The waffling is no longer your problem.

It'll will get easier once he's gone. The first few weeks will prolly be rough, but then you'll settle in.

He's happy w/his new life? Good for him, let him see that you're happy w/your new life. The one that doesn't include him. (And it is completely for his benefit that you're so happy! )

numbandnauseous posted 6/26/2013 15:42 PM

Thank you all again for sharing your experiences, thoughts and advice.

sucks, I am so sorry for your pain, but glad that you are not allowing him to see it. It's such a lonely place, isn't it?

I think when he is out, I will feel much better. When I was getting my ducks in a row, but pretending like everything was fine, I was annoyed with him. He would come home, I would say to myself, "cue smile, that's right, now pretend to be interested while he is blathering about himself, now ask a question," etc. But I really couldn't stand him the whole time. I saw what a selfish SOB he was.

I think what threw me was how he was crying, saying he would do anything to save the M one minute (which I didn't expect) and the next minute happily making plans for his new life.

I expected more anger from him (but I know that will come).

I haven't started making plans to go out yet, but I am planning to do that soon. I do have my women's group this week and lunch with my D group tomorrow.

ETA: I forgot to mention that I have been ignoring all his phone calls - he can leave a message. So yesterday, he was trying to call me to get my approval for him renting the condo and buying the kids bunk beds; he called 4 or 5 times, but never left a message.

Today, he called about finances; in the course of a minute or two, he texted and left a vm on my cell, left a vm on our home phone and sent me an email saying that he wanted to talk to me.

[This message edited by numbandnauseous at 3:56 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Ashland13 posted 6/26/2013 17:20 PM

Yes, this boundary crossing happens here all the time. We get going for a period of time and he does all right and then BOOM!, I think decides "I've done enough and she's just stupid making rules on me."

One of my triggers is that damn phone, because it's like he needs it to breath and it is a massive trigger for me. For a while he was able to leave it off or in his vehicles and now is not doing that. So I'm going to have to make noise because the damn phone triggers panic attacks for me-I know who's sending him messages-and I feel like it (OW) is in my house again. Granted he did not respond in my presence, but it's too close to the boundary line.

I also trigger when he uses the bathrooms because that's where the A intensified from EA to PA and he made fights on purpose when he would come out and had many behavior changes.

It's a lot of strength we have to find to stand up to them, N and N, but we have it. If they get mad at our need for boundaries, then they shouldn't have done actions that caused us to need boundaries in the first place, right?

One thing I notice is that I get a hair more respect after hiring a lawyer. About the only thing in life the Perverted Happy Pants "respects" is the law.

I'm sorry you have to be in close quarters and I'm sorry for all of your emotions and stress.

I, too, feel very strange when the Perverted Happy Pants is in the vicinity anywhere and have felt for a few months this sense of his just being...dirty.

Ashland13 posted 6/26/2013 17:24 PM

P.S. The perverted pair of Happy Pants has already been speaking to people we know mutually about wanting to be "her friend". Her, being me.

I have taken such offense at being tossed another F word by this man who was my f'ing life partner-not a BFF-I think sometimes he thinks he was just a BF?

And yes, N and N, he, too claimed to want this for a long time but I think needed an OW to give him courage because he can't stand being alone and needed the "encouragement" and place to go.

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