I wrote this in my journal in 2010.
"Sometimes you wonder where your life is going. One day, what you thought was your life, is turned upside down. For some it takes months...years to get a new life that has meaning to it, others spend the rest of their lives trying to find this new life. Whatever the case is - we are never the same. Sleepless nights add up, while you wonder "Why" this has happened to you. You question the existence of God, and rationalize to yourself that God would never let you hurt like this or let your children be affected by this...so God does not exist in your mind.
The hardest part in dealing with all this is time. When you go to bed you think about it, and it's the first thing that comes to mind when you wake up. So many questions with tangled answers, and you realize that some questions just don't have answers. The past cannot be changed, but yet it lives with you in the present. Many times you feel as though your feet are in quicksand and you can't move forward at all. There are times when you feel that you have moved on, but then find yourself at the end of the day holding back the tears, and just shaking your head in disbelief for all the things that have happened.
You miss the sound of their voice even when you're fighting, and you realize like everything else in your life - nothing makes sense anymore. What you thought would never happen to you...did, and you realize that what you grew up being instilled in you - was just a fairy tale. Three letters in a certain order are the crux of your life now..."Why". This slowly becomes a subconscious mantra for you. The memories never seem to fade, and you hold onto them even when you know that it hurts you not to let go. You remember the person as who they were when they were with you, and not who they are now. For some reason your mind will never acknowledge nor accept that this person to you now is a stranger...a stranger who you had built your life around...a stranger who now hurt your heart and soul. A stranger that walks around in your love’s body.
You know that time heals all wounds but the truth you learn is that you are scarred. The person you were before is not the same, just as the stranger you love is no longer real. You must be strong and go on; all the while you know that you will never be the same. Sometimes you just live for the next day and sometimes you find hope that one day you will break free and love again."
I wrote this in July, two months after he moved out and one month after my dad passed away.
We were pretty much in complete NC mode. When my dad passed, I reached out to him in email but got only cryptic replies. I was so very hurt and lost in July of 2010. The night after I wrote this, I typed it up and sent it to WSO. Several days later he replied that he had to re-read it several times because each time he cried. He told me that he was so very lost and hurt too.
It wasn't right away, actually it was months later, but we made it back together.
[This message edited by Tesa at 12:18 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]