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Broken vows broken heart

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WVgirl posted 6/26/2013 08:37 AM

When I found out about the A I immediately took off my wedding band. My heart was shattered to a million pieces and I feel like the sacred vows we said we smashed too. I told my WH if he was serious about making this work we had to start over with our relationship. Not forget out past but he had to date me all over again and redo our vows when I am in a place to do so. Si far hes doing a great job and we go more without the kids then we use to.

My WH is one who has been admit in saying he will only get married once in his life because all of his family members have been married multiple times. During MC my WH brought this up just to let everyone know the commitment he is willing to show but our counselor turns on me like I am crazy for going through with this.

I still feel like the marriage I had is gone and I want a better stronger one for the future. I want vows that are not broken and will not be broken. Am i crazy for wanting this? Does anyone else get where I am coming from?

FightingBack posted 6/26/2013 09:21 AM

Of course you feel this way. I consider that our marriage ended when he stepped outside of it. At some point, those vows we took didn't mean anything to him, and as a result, they were nullified.

I don't consider myself married anymore. I hope that in time, I will want that commitment back, but for now, I am treading carefully.

We are committed to rebuilding our relationship and perhaps that will be enough for us.

I'm afraid that promises don't mean that much to me. ,If you can solemnly promise in front of God and witnesses to "forsake all others", then change your mind, what does that mean?

What exactly did your counsellor think you were crazy about?

[This message edited by FightingBack at 9:39 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

spinning73 posted 6/26/2013 19:32 PM

I completely empathize with what you are feeling. Our 16 year wedding anniversary was a couple of weeks ago, about 2 months post DD. I dreaded the anniversary for weeks heading up to it and was emphatic that I did not want to celebrate or give gifts.
WH was upset because he said he felt it was still a day to celebrate..I guess so because my vows to him have never been broken!
He also told me that he never took his wedding band off when he was with the OW. I guess in some way I was glad he wasn't the stereotypical sleasebag taking off his ring and putting it in his pocket when meeting OW, but then it just absolutely grossed me out that his ring touched the OW, and the ring which was supposed to represent unbroken vows was figuratively broken.

WH has agreed to getting a new ring, I just haven't done it yet. I feel like we are making progress with our relationship, but I guess I want to wait for the new ring and somehow renew vows once I feel more secure in this R being "real"

Soo, in the meantime he is still wearing the old ring..he says the ring means something to him and he "needs" to wear it. It is still a trigger if I realize the ring is touching my hand, but I can look at it and be ok now.
I am still wearing my ring. My position is that my vows weren't broken to him and nothing is wrong with my ring.
Anyway, I totally relate to what you are saying. My plan is for us to just do a private vow renewal, maybe your WH will go for that? Best of luck

shatteredheart7 posted 7/3/2013 17:09 PM

I'm new here but have been reading through posts and this one struck home with me. My WH had a 2yr A with a woman he bowled with, a woman I knew, who had tried to befriend me. We split up in Jan of 2012, we started dating in April of 2012, I moved back home in August of 2012. On Sept 9. he told me about the affair (he broke it off with her one month after I moved out). We started marriage counseling and went back to church together. This past New Years Eve we renewed our vows. Small simple ceremony. Just a couple close friends and the kids. Honestly, it was the best thing we could have done. I still wear my old wedding rings, but the new wedding band is closest to my heart. Am I completely healed? No. But as long as those vows were broken, for me, there was no hope of me trusting him with my heart again and he needed to reaffirm those promises to me again. And as a Bitch move on my part, I made announcements and sent her one in the mail. Made me feel good!

SoVerySadNow posted 7/3/2013 21:39 PM

I don't feel married any more either. I destroyed my wedding band just as WH destroyed our marriage. WH considers himself married to me even though he was able to suspend that consideration for his infidelity. To me, it's like a divorce of the soul.

I understand about you wanting new vows-unbroken vows - and I said I wanted that some point. Now I'm going back and forth about it.

Brokenhearted18 posted 7/4/2013 01:35 AM

I understand completly. I took of my wedding rings on DD. That was 2 months ago. I know not long, but I have no idea when I will feel ready to put them back on. He broke his vows to me. Those rings represented a marriage he damaged. I can't put them on. I'm not proud of my marriage at this time. I don't know when I will feel ready to wear them again.

powerthroughpain posted 7/4/2013 15:05 PM

The only vow that I could make again with my ww is the vow to work on the relationship till death due us part. Essentially, I'm not waiting for it to get to a crappy point again. I have to maintain a higher standard of care for myself, and she will be judged on that. I cant stress myself out for the rest of my life wondering if she is going to cheat on me.

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