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Newest Member: DontWantToWakeUp (45711)

User Topic: Yesterday broke my heart...
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was sitting working yesterday and the ex came to the door... She wanted to talk and begged me to listen to her... I hadn't seen her in over a year...

I'd posted about a text I'd gotten from her with step 9 of the AA 12 step... I hadn't answered the text and was pondering if I should...

Well.... She talked about how much she still loves me and is in love with me... I told her that she literally beat the love out of me and that I learned to feel nothing for us...

She got fired from her job because she went to work drunk one morning in March... Wound up in a psyciatric hospital for 2 weeks... This is an incredibly intelligent woman, a Chief Nursing Officer at a huge hospital and a remarkable emergency room and flight nurse back before becoming an administrator...

She said her fall began when she checked out of our relationship and hooked up with the OM...

She started self medicating with alcohol when I left and the OM dumped her...

Her health is now fucked up with liver and kidney problems, thyroid and she's epileptic now...

She talked about all the wonderful places we went together... (we did take a lot of cool trips)...

How the house we remodeled has me everywhere in it... I did pretty much leave a huge foot print there especially the kitchen and the outdoor living area... I told her to sell it, if it bothers her so much...

She begged me to give us a chance again and I told her that I'm long gone and I'm in a relationship with KD... I had no choice but to get away from the chaos she created and I am enjoying my new life and will not go back...

Seeing her in that place broke my heart... What a huge fall... My KISA tendencies tugged at me but I kept them at bay...

I know many of us cheer when the Karma Bus runs over our ex but I have no joy in seeing what's happened to her and what she's done to herself...

It tore me up...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
TrainerCarrie
♀ 14851
Member # 14851
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is sad to see people you once loved in any kind of pain. We all talk about Karma, but sometimes the reality isn't Karma. It's a life made of destructive choices and the realization comes a little too late of the damage you have done to others.

I'm happy to see you resisted helping her and have moved on.

I no longer live in infidelity pain, but the side effects will always be there.


Sometimes giving up something you want is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.

Never, ever date your neighbor.


Posts: 2820 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Almost Heaven...West Virginia.
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((WB)) you did the right thing. Yesterday you did a lot just by listening and respectfully hearing her story and letting her have her voice. Now it is time for continued detachment and for her to learn how to live with the consequences of her choices.

My XH has also been hit hard by the karma bus and I take no pleasure in it at all. I feel sorry for him but I will never ever be able to live with him. I can't even extend my hand in friendship as I see that being harmful to him as well, giving him hope for a future with me when there isn't one.

I think people here who want the karma bus have XW spouses who aren't hurting (yet)...who appear to have gotten out of their choices with no consequences. Those of us who have seen the opposite outcome understand it differently because our experiences are different.

It was good of you to listen to her pain, even good that you have a heart that hurts today because someone you once loved is hurting. That means you have a good heart. I wish your ex the best of luck in getting her life back together.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3235 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
newnormal
♀ 21925
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Thats a story that really puts a different perspective on it. I do have to wonder how you deal with something like this. The emotions, communication skills, religious beliefs, etc. really makes a situation like this difficult. Thanks so much for sharing.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
h0peless
♂ 36697
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last I heard (in January), my ex wasn't doing so well either. It wasn't something that I thought to celebrate. It sucks to see someone you loved struggle, even if it is their own fault.

Posts: 1802 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see this being my X's eventual fall when Sparkle Panties finally wakes up and dumps him. His drinking is out of control and it's only a matter of time before the stent he had put in back in 1999 fails.

It's tough - as much as I kid about him, he was a huge part of my life for almost half of it. We were one of "those" couples who did everything together and were best friends. We raised our kids together and successfully. We had plans for the future like everyone else here.

As much as I see this tearing you up, I also see that bit of manipulation on her end - only because on occasion I see it from my X. How suddenly I'm/you're the catch of the century, yet they were so very quick to throw us under the bus and decimate us at the drop of a hat. Sounds like she's finally seeing herself for who she really is and now she doesn't like what the mirror is showing her so off she trots to her KISA for some co-dependency mending.

I'm so glad you see that she's done all this to herself. Too bad so sad the bed she made for herself has lots of bedbugs.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21098 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The downward spiral has shocked and saddened me...

I never doubted her strength and resolve... She over came a childhood and parents to become an example of what you can do when you put your mind to it... Beautiful, successful and a quiet smile that could melt a heart...

I remember the very moment it all changed... Unbeknowst to me she was already deep in her A with a very NPD OM...

I was shocked on January 2nd 2007 by her accusing me of cheating... She wanted me out of the house... I left believing it was an aberration... Never to return except to move out three months later, one week after dday...

During an attempted R we took a trip to New Orleans... One of our favorite get away spots... It wasn't the same as the trips before... She had changed in ways I couldn't put a finger on...

I still can't fathom where the "her" I knew for decades went... She never really saw the pain her A brought into my life because she was spinning down down down...

I wondered if she'd hit bottom... I wondered if she developed a drinking problem... She didn't have one when we were together... We'd have a drink or two in the evening while I cooked dinner... I saw her drunk one time in two decades...

Yesterday I saw a lost and broken soul... I'm not a spiritual man but if I were one I'd say a prayer... It would not surprise me if the next time I see her is to identify her body...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AJ's

Sounds like she's finally seeing herself for who she really is and now she doesn't like what the mirror is showing her so off she trots to her KISA for some co-dependency mending.

That's one of the things I can't wrap my mind around... When did she become so co-dependent?

When we met she was very independent... When she effectively dumped me by having the A she was cramming her indepence down my throat or did she believe she'd found another "better" guy she could be co-dependent with?

She's always was independent of me financially... We never combined our assets except for me buying half of the house...

I believed with all my heart that if I died she'd be ok, she'd be happy again...

I was her guy when it came to family and being her guy in public because I'm the "never meet a stranger" type where as she's quiet...

She was someone I always looked up to in many ways although like us all, flawed in other ways...

This has really dredged up a lot of emotions and memories...

As my handle "wonderingbull" states... I'm still wondering where the hell everything went in the ditch...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to move past this. Her choices created the situation that she is currently in.

As we say here..... Actions, meet consequences.

I'm sorry to be so hard, but life ain't for sissies.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7814 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Newlease
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((WB)))

It's just such a waste when you see them realize that they had it all and then threw it away. We knew it the whole time, but they only come to realize it when the shiny dream turns into reality.

I have a friendly relationship with XWH - we share grandchildren so we interact at times, and I make it friendly so no one has to feel awkward.

I have watched him end his relationship with OW, try to come back to me and get rebuffed, move on to another dysfunctional relationship which resulted in marriage and divorce within a year, and just recently have an EA on his SO who begged him to take her back, so he did even though he says he doesn't really love her. He is a mess. His relationship with our grown sons is not good even though he was a good father until the A.

None of it gives me any kind of satisfaction. He took a good life and threw it away and he's been adrift ever since.

I must admit that my co-dependency wants to reach out and at least try to fix his relationship with our sons, but that is NOT my job - never really was - that is my dysfunction to own.

I'm just glad that I was able to move on from the devastation and create a better life than I ever imagined. It doesn't stop me from hoping that he can do the same some day.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7786 | Registered: Aug 2005
OnceInALifetime
♂ 26023
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to completely not care for an ex. After all, we were married to them and loved them once upon a time.

If you reveled in her being slammed by the karma bus, I'd be concerned that the cheating made you a bitter person.

Sorry WB. Must be tough.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, what a nightmare. I'm sorry WB. I'd feel the same way if my x were circling the drain.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17688 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Threnody
♀ 1558
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If her AP was truly NPD, then yeah. She's codependent and was probably self-medicating with the alcohol. The strong woman you once knew is in there, but shattered. It will take years to put her back together, but the cracks will always be visible.

This isn't to absolve her for her part and her choices. You can't have an affair with an NPD without, ta-da!, deciding to have an affair. I'm simply writing this to let you know that the destruction you saw wasn't all the destruction there is. If she's earnest about recovering, if she's earnest about trying to get her life back on track, she has many difficult stops in between while she rebuilds herself after being in the sphere with a narcissist.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thren...

You're absolutely right... When I found out who the OM was I already knew what he was...

I'm a scientist so I studied as much about NPD as I could... I've read religiously in the NPD thread here... I talked to his ex wife, and two women he "dated"... They were amazed when I described him, his methods and his madness... The OM did a job on everyone he touched...

The damage, destruction and her spinning down the drain has been an ongoing meltdown of epic proportion...

I didn't start it, I couldn't stop it and thus I wound up being caught up in a web I couldn't escape until I called it quits...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for listening to me here and "chatting" this out....

My thoughts and emotions have been all over the map since yesterday afternoon...

I'm sure I'm not done here...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Small t/j:
I'm in a relationship with KD

What??? You got back together??? Spill!!!!

She said her fall began when she checked out of our relationship and hooked up with the OM...

I'd wager it began before. Addictive personalities don't just start. It's possible she obsessed/chased things that were good for her but once she lighted on something bad, it became a self fulfilling prophecy that led her further away than anyone could have predicted. She was probably always a bit risky, but since the risks worked, you didn't notice.

I'm sorry you're having to hear this and see it. Regardless of love dead and gone, it's troublesome to see someone so messed up.

(((WB)))

[This message edited by cayc at 2:56 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3144 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc...

You must have missed the post hidden in a t/j of my own...

You're probably right... Both her parents have been raging alcoholics her whole life... There has always been a "secret" side to her that no one really knew... She pretty much refused to talk about the shitty side of her childhood...

Yesterday when I mentioned "self medicating with alcohol" she said, yep, it was my escape from all the pain...

Looking back, it's like she was a powder keg waiting for a spark and the OM was the spark... I never saw it coming...

WB

[This message edited by wonderingbull at 3:33 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. It's rare that we see the full destruction played out in front of our eyes. A lot of us can guess, but rarely does an X come forward and admit it.

She has lost several years of maturing as personal development is put on hold during addictions. Now she is far behind you in maturity and you are in such different places.

I agree the karma bus is not so fun to really see in reality as much as we might fantasize about it when we are feeling hurt and angry.

((((WB))))


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5895 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
wonderingbull
♂ 14833
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. It's rare that we see the full destruction played out in front of our eyes. A lot of us can guess, but rarely does an X come forward and admit it.

It's been a long 6 years... When the consequences come they take no prisoners...

No matter what I feel... It's like whistling by the grave yard...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5997 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know many of us cheer when the Karma Bus runs over our ex but I have no joy in seeing what's happened to her and what she's done to herself...

^^THIS. I do have a good laugh at his expense so I am a fan of the Karma bus. I'm not looking forward to when he implodes so I understand. There is no joy to be had here.

The time-bomb started ticking well before you and I entered the picture.

You are a good and decent human being WB. Keep those KISA tendencies in check and you can continue to live your happy and healthy life.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5652 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
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