SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Do you want/have full legal custody of your children? If you do, what were your reasons for wanting it? If you chose to have shared legal custody, what were your reasons?

I will be going back to court on tomorrow and there may be a slight, small, tiny, itty-bitty chance that we will be able to come to an agreement regarding all the issues about the divorce.

I will be asking for full legal custody. My thinking is that if something should happen to me, my stbx will not be able to care for my children. This is what concerns me the most:

1. Possible untreated/undiagnosed mental illness OR really poor coping skills. Suicide attempt, suicidal idealizations and passive suicide behaviors, and his threat to shoot himself in the head and have the children find him. All extremely serious and alarming but he gave an excuse (minimized and blame-shifted) for every single episode.

2. As of today, no relationship with both children.

3. Both kids have special needs. While we were together, he did not know how to deal with their special needs so the full responsibility was mine.

Now maybe there is a small chance that if something should happen to me, he may step up to the plate but if past behavior is an indication of future behavior, well then ... no.

I know there is a saying here that goes something like "Is this the hill you are willing to die on?" I feel it is but I need others perspective in case I am not being rational and I don't even see it Thank you!!

Those are all valid reasons for wanting full custody. Joint custody only works if both parents are willing to work together and are able to compromise.

If he's not going to step up to the plate, help with the kids and be able to make decisions then he doesn't need any kind of custody. There's more to it than just more time with the kids or paying less/more support.

I do not have full legal custody, but yes I want it. I agreed to 50/50 legal to get 100% physical. My reasons for wanting legal are similar to yours, minus the special needs kids.

There is no "choosing" 50/50 legal custody. It is a huge uphill battle to be awarded sole legal custody. Consult your L to find out whether your concerns are worthwhile in your jursidiction to spend the money on a court battle.

I have sole legal and primary physical. I had to go through a hellish parenting eval to get it. It was a hill I was willing to die on.

Thank you so much for responding! This is a hill I am willing to die on. Thank you for sharing your situation and for reminding me that this is not so simple!

I have sole legal and primary physical. We agreed to this in mediation. However, if something were to happen to me, I cannot imagine a court not awarding custody of the boys to their father.

This is a subject I shy away from thinking about. It motivates me to keep my doctor's appts. and to take my blood pressure meds every night...

The reasoning/logic presented to my (whack job, unreliable, deviant, irresponsible and often absent) ex was that if we could not agree a third party tie breaker such as the court would be appointed to make decisions regarding our children, or one parent could be assigned "tie breaker status" for such things like medical issues, schooling, religion, where the children live, etc.

I truly believe the mediator had his number and floated the language in a very low impact way to get him to agree. She was aware of domestic violence in the past and at every turn seemed to have done her homework.

I'm getting sole physical custody and I absolutely want it. My stbx has expressed no desire to share physical custody.

We will share legal custody because although he is CLEARLY unfit to live in my mind , he functions well enough to care for his children (so far).

I do think that stbx has a serious undiagnosed mental illness (as does anyone else who knows his recent actions) but if he had done any of the things you have listed I would be pursuing legal custody. If I were in your shoes I would fight long and hard to keep the kids away from him.

My kids were 15 and 18 at the time my divorce was finally final. The 18 yr old was out of the custody agreement equation due to his age. I figured with 3 years left, and me being the primary parent all along, it was no big deal to share 50/50 legal custody of my younger son. I did have physical custody, and my attorney included clauses that clearly stated I had the final say so for certain issues.

Younger son turned 18 this year. We have no legal ties to ex now.