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catlover50 posted 6/26/2013 13:38 PM

I have posted before that my H is not good about follow through and keeping his word. My IC said that I need to let him know it's about gaining my trust. So Monday and Tuesday he missed his noontime calls to me, which are his idea. I called him yesterday afternoon and he apologized and had several excuses.

Well, I thought about it, then wrote him an email saying, rather gently, that I didn't accept his excuses and that his word should mean something.

I waited nervously for a reply, since defensiveness is his fallback position. Instead he wrote back that I was 100% right, that his word to me should mean something and that he was on it.

Today he has called twice and texted twice.

I know it's just a beginning, but it's still a big difference.

LA44 posted 6/26/2013 13:46 PM

Bet reading that felt great catlover!

Glad for you.

musiclovingmom posted 6/26/2013 14:14 PM

I am lucky in that my H has always responded like that. It still feels wonderful! Glad you are seeing some small steps in the right direction!!

1Faith posted 6/26/2013 15:09 PM

Good for you for being honest about what was bothering you. Sometimes during R - we continue to hold things in as to not rock the boat.

So I am glad you were proactive and you had a positive outcome. Congrats.

catlover50 posted 6/26/2013 15:14 PM

Thanks all!

And 1Faith-- I realized my H had "taught" me to hold stuff in during our M by withdrawing or becoming angry or defensive when I would try to engage him in sensitive topics. We both realize now why he was doing that and how those faulty coping mechanisms of his led to our having less than the M we should and ultimately to the A.

So we both have to change our behaviors.

blakesteele posted 6/26/2013 16:12 PM

Great report catlover50!

I, too, am learning how actions on my part affected my marriage...wife is seeing that too.

We are fortunate to have the opportunity to change ourselves....

God be with us all.

AFrayedKnot posted 6/26/2013 17:42 PM

I realized my H had "taught" me to hold stuff in during our M by withdrawing or becoming angry or defensive

I like that. I can total relate to the withdrawing and to a lesser extent defensive or angry.

Finding my voice has been one of the greatest gifts I have received through this shit storm. I still find myself holding back sometimes though. Old habits are hard for us BS's as well. Good for you for speaking your mind.

catlover50 posted 6/26/2013 20:18 PM

Thanks Blakesteele and Chicho. To clarify, it was my H who became angry and defensive and withdrew when I would ask too much of him.

He is working hard to change that and I am working to find my voice.

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