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catlover50 (original poster member #37154) posted at 7:38 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2013
I have posted before that my H is not good about follow through and keeping his word. My IC said that I need to let him know it's about gaining my trust. So Monday and Tuesday he missed his noontime calls to me, which are his idea. I called him yesterday afternoon and he apologized and had several excuses.
Well, I thought about it, then wrote him an email saying, rather gently, that I didn't accept his excuses and that his word should mean something.
I waited nervously for a reply, since defensiveness is his fallback position. Instead he wrote back that I was 100% right, that his word to me should mean something and that he was on it.
Today he has called twice and texted twice.
I know it's just a beginning, but it's still a big difference.
Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciled
LA44 ( member #38384) posted at 7:46 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2013
Bet reading that felt great catlover!
Glad for you.
LA
Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear
musiclovingmom ( member #38207) posted at 8:14 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2013
I am lucky in that my H has always responded like that. It still feels wonderful! Glad you are seeing some small steps in the right direction!!
1Faith ( member #38975) posted at 9:09 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2013
Good for you for being honest about what was bothering you. Sometimes during R - we continue to hold things in as to not rock the boat.
So I am glad you were proactive and you had a positive outcome. Congrats.
Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for
catlover50 (original poster member #37154) posted at 9:14 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2013
Thanks all!
And 1Faith-- I realized my H had "taught" me to hold stuff in during our M by withdrawing or becoming angry or defensive when I would try to engage him in sensitive topics. We both realize now why he was doing that and how those faulty coping mechanisms of his led to our having less than the M we should and ultimately to the A.
So we both have to change our behaviors.
Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciled
blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 10:12 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2013
Great report catlover50!
I, too, am learning how actions on my part affected my marriage...wife is seeing that too.
We are fortunate to have the opportunity to change ourselves....
God be with us all.
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.
AFrayedKnot ( member #36622) posted at 11:42 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2013
I realized my H had "taught" me to hold stuff in during our M by withdrawing or becoming angry or defensive
I like that. I can total relate to the withdrawing and to a lesser extent defensive or angry.
Finding my voice has been one of the greatest gifts I have received through this shit storm. I still find myself holding back sometimes though. Old habits are hard for us BS's as well. Good for you for speaking your mind. 
BS 48fWS 44 (SurprisinglyOkay)DsD DSA whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better."Knowing is half the battle"
catlover50 (original poster member #37154) posted at 2:18 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013
Thanks Blakesteele and Chicho. To clarify, it was my H who became angry and defensive and withdrew when I would ask too much of him.
He is working hard to change that and I am working to find my voice.
Dday -9/23/2012
Reconciled
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