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TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/26/2013 15:05 PM

I don't know if its the grief from losing the baby. Or the idea of the kind of love it takes (or should take) to try and get pregnant. When I see the ultrasounds and announcements on Facebook, and the pregnant women out and about, I feel the hurt in my heart. Still not wavering in my decision and it has nothing to do with wanting STBX. I really don't know what it is that makes me so sad (which is why I say it's grief). The joy of finding out and bringing happy...the thought hurts. Maybe it's the never having been supported during and after the miscarriage. I don't know. I just hate feeling this sad when I feel so strong about who I am and my decisions to not have his toxic presence in my life.

ETA: Maybe it's just residual from being told that I'm allowed to feel bad...but only on his way and on his time.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 3:07 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

dmari posted 6/26/2013 15:18 PM

(((((hugs))))) (((((and more hugs))))) I am so sorry you lost your baby ~ I can't imagine the hurt and heartache. It is absolutely normal for you to feel whatever you feel at this moment. Go with it. Process it. Do something to comfort yourself. I'm sorry you did not receive the support that you deserved during and after the miscarriage. Not giving support during a time of loss is unthinkable. Be gentle with you today!

dindy posted 6/26/2013 15:20 PM

(((((((TattoodChinaDoll)))))))

JanaGreen posted 6/26/2013 15:22 PM

((TCD))

I know this isn't my forum, and I apologize for crashing it, but after my H filed for divorce last June, I had to really, truly grieve the fact that I would most likely have no more children. It was the hardest thing for me to accept - it's a real, true, and hurtful loss. And like you, anything about pregnancy or newborns broke my heart. I think you should be gentle with yourself, let yourself mourn this loss, both of your precious angel and the future children you might have had with your STBX.

((HUGS))

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:23 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

jo2love posted 6/26/2013 16:18 PM

(((TCD)))

neverbeokay posted 6/26/2013 16:33 PM

I can relate. I didn't dare have the third child I wanted because of my exH's affair. And I had also had a miscarraige, so I know that heartache as well. All I can say is that time does make it easier. (((TCD)))

tesla posted 6/26/2013 17:10 PM

(((TCD))))
I get your sadness and grief. The plan was to have the second baby by now...instead, he had OC with stripper whore. I spent a long time mourning and coming to terms with the fact that I will never have another child.
And my first pregnancy was ectopic. I had to have emergency surgery to save my life. It makes what these assholes did to us seem even more heartless and cruel.
Give yourself the space and time you need to grieve and heal.
Sometimes I feel lke I am going forward in an alternate reality. I try to remind myself of all the joys and opportunities I've had going forward and of all the sadness and hopelessness I would have if we were still together.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/26/2013 17:17 PM

Honestly I don't know what it is and I will bring it up to IC next time I go. I feel like I've moved on from him because of how utterly emotionally abusive he was since dday. It was a kick in the pants. But like I mentioned above, one of the things he always did to me was tell me how it was ok to be sad/mad etc. and in the next breath tell me how I was wrong to be sad and not being sad the right way (his way). His way was to get over it in his time so i could pay attention to him again. Maybe it's some kind of block. I'm not saying that I should be over it, but it still feels like I'm doing something wrong by being sad.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 5:18 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Bluebird26 posted 6/26/2013 20:02 PM

TCD I am sorry for your loss of your little one.

I myself have suffered several pregnancy losses it can be devastating.

I am in Australia we have an organisation called SANDS (stillbirth and neonatal death support incorporating miscarriage). This organisation was my rock they helped me immensely dealing with the overwhelming grief of losing a child. Maybe you have similar group near you to help you deal with your grief.

Feel free to PM me if you need to chat about it.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/29/2013 07:17 AM

Just needing some SI support right now since I have none here. Got a text this morning that my good friend (the only one that I've told everything) is in labor. I've struggled with trying to feel happy for her. But I just end up feeling sorry for myself. I would have been 28 and a half weeks today. It's an odd feeling because I know bringing a baby into this would have not been good...it wouldn't have changed anything about him. And hell, he started his affair one month after our youngest was born. But it doesn't mean I didn't want that child. Or already loved it. This is when I wish I had real SO...not a fucked up, abusive asshole. Someone who would hold me and LET ME BE SAD and not tell how wrong my sadness is. Instead I'll cry some now and then try really hard not to let it effect me and how I am with the kids today.

PinkJeepLady posted 6/29/2013 08:21 AM

(((chinadoll)))
Don't know why I woke up and had a feeling to check this forum, it must be to send you my support.
It is painful to lose a baby whether you are in a good relationship or not. I lost a baby 18 years ago and I clearly remember how hard the first couple of years out were, even with having a supportive H. I am sure it helped to have him go through it, but it was rough. After all these years I still carry a little sadness, but I think time has brought peace. However, there have been moments when it feels like it happened yesterday. When I left the hospital, a nurse who happened to be my neighbor said she was concerned I would take the "it's no big deal attitutude". She gave me the advice to acknowledge it as a very big loss, permission to greive properly and to take all the time I needed to care for myself. That's what I tried to do and I think it did help. There was a whole lot of crying for sure! I actually still think about it at the time of year we lost the baby, but now it's more of a peaceful memory.
Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you! Take care, be good to yourself! You still motivate me to go to the gym, hope you are going too!

TattoodChinaDoll posted 6/29/2013 08:35 AM

I'm still going. Down 33 pounds. But it does nothing for my stress. When I have an emotion burden, I physically feel it and stops me from working as hard. Plus, I get the thoughts of, "I shouldn't be here right now. I should be pregnant," and "am I just trying to be more like OW?"

Besides not having support, I find it difficult to have time to be sad. I don't want to cry in front of the kids. And like yesterday when I was alone with them until STBX got back to the house at 10:15, I'm at the gym as soon as they are in bed. I beat myself up for being sad, too. I should be happy for my friend.

Housefulloflove posted 6/29/2013 15:45 PM

"I try to remind myself of all the joys and opportunities I've had going forward and of all the sadness and hopelessness I would have if we were still together."

This. Sometimes I have to focus on all of the possibilities in the future to help get through the heartache of the present. Knowing what we now know about our WS makes it clear that we were on an awful path full of pain, misery and hopelessness. We just couldn't see it and held on tightly to false hope. And now that false hope is REAL hope! We no longer have that guarantee of misery that comes with being with a person like our exes.

What you are feeling is what you are supposed to feel. He conditioned you to doubt every part of yourself including how you feel! How sick is that?

I try to keep in mind that I'm dealing with a man who literally fears emotions.He can't handle his own and can't handle anyone else having uncomfortable feelings either. I wanted to please him so bad that I suppressed something as natural and human as my emotions just to make him more comfortable. It sounds like you have as well. Remember THAT was off and unnatural and was as bad for us as it felt. I shut every emotion off just to keep from feeling the negative emotions his ridiculous actions naturally caused. There were many times in my marriage that I worried about myself because I didn't feel anything anymore. I thought I was a dysfunctional emotionally dead person when in reality I was mirroring my emotionally dead ex to keep the peace. But when I stopped because I was finally through with his shit and was finally willing to make waves, it ALL came back. The good the bad and the ugly!

There is no right or wrong emotion to anything, it's what we do with it that is right or wrong. Suppressing them and doing something destructive and stupid later (like having an affair) is obviously WRONG. Our exes are so fucked up that they can't understand what it's like to be an emotionally functional human being.

You NEED to grieve and process all of the mess you have had to go through lately. It's a genuine NEED right now so give yourself what you need.

courageous posted 6/29/2013 20:18 PM

Don't feel bad about not feeling happiness for your friend. Around the time I had my miscarriage a friend announced her pregnancy. I was able to get pregnant the following month but even while in a sustained pregnancy I still had a hard time being happy for her. When her child was born all I could think was my child would have been born soon too. I struggled with any kind of happiness for her for years. This all happened prior to exwh's A so I can imagine you have a lot more grief and pain you are dealing with.

((TCD))