What I did find, on FB archives, was the overwhelming amount of lies he told about me to EVERYONE that he knows (who doesn't know me.) He also told multitudes of lies about me on all of his profiles from the creepshow dating sites, etc.
For the "dating" sites, etc. it was all about how he was in a "sexless marriage", his wife "wasn't interested in sex", his wife "didn't like to go out", was "vanilla"-same old garbage so many of us here have had said about us. None of which was true. The ONLY time in our marriage that I (like many of us) did not engage in sex that was NEVER "vanilla") was on doctor's orders after having each of his three children. We had a GREAT sex life, once upon a time. HE lacked the intimacy that I prefer during intercourse, but it was still exciting nonetheless. Regardless, he NEVER complained. He was thrilled after every romp.
He even insists today that he was lying to these people, that he has always enjoyed sex with me. At first (after d-day) he said that he made up those things to make men and women feel sorry for him so that they would have sex with him. But, when I ask why he would say all of the lies that he told to everyone else (those who he was NOT going after for sex) he can’t answer. [Or, he does answer and it is always the SAME answer that it has been for 2+ years: “I’m working on an explanation paper to explain it”].
I could go on and on, and I have already done so in all of my posts for the last 2 years here on SI. My concern now is that during sex I am ALWAYS filled with what I can only describe as terror. It doesn’t matter what I do, he’s going to make up lies about me and submit them to anyone he can. Sure, knowing that I have no idea who/what/when/where/etc also makes me physically ill-as I said, I never got ANY truth from him. I found it all out myself. But, the two-faced shit-talking and slander he said about me-to everyone-THAT is all I can think of and I freeze. It sucks. In every way possible.
I can’t stand it. It’s as if he concocted a self-fulfilling prophecy. Now, for me anyway, sex IS shitty. ALL I can think about is all of the lies and manipulation. Who is he going to tell WHAT to next? Is so and so looking at me funny because my WH has spread all kinds of lies about me? Is he back to waiting until I go to sleep to sneak downstairs to bitch about me to everyone, like he did for 10 years? This is killing me. Not just in the bedroom, but in all areas of my life.
Just wondering if there’s any way out of this. I can’t live this way. Someone has to have felt this way besides me.
Your description of him comes across as him having a kind of "so what?" attitude about the disloyalty that he showed you. It doesn't seem that he understands the magnitude of that particular betrayal. And mind you, what he has done is a HUGE betrayal of you.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose
Just because he projected them doesn't mean you have to own them. Easier said than done I know.
It's been 2 years. How is your marriage now? Is he remorseful? Is he at all sorry?
I know everyone advises IC, so I am not any different. Perhaps you need to speak with someone on dealing with this for peace of mind if nothing else.
(((hugs)))
Honestly, I don't know whether or not he does understand the magnitude of this aspect of it all. When someone lies to your face-when someone has mastered the art of lying to everyone's face-for so long: how do you ever know what to believe? He "says" he wants to explain it all-has been saying that for 2 years. Yet, he does nothing-zero-to comfort me or make me feel safe in the meantime.
I would love to go to I/C. Finances will not allow it at this time. Even if they did, I've got what can only be described as massive social anxiety that makes me literally unable to converse with anyone about anything because of all of this.
I literally panic when even talking with my kids' teachers now.
His FB messages mocked me...as a person. He said things like, "My wife isn't likable." "She's incapable of having friends." "She doesn't get along with anyone because she has a degree in ___" "She's boring."
...these things haunt me. Every time I am in public or even around people. If my own husband thinks I'm unlikable, clearly I must be. I know it isn't logical or I shouldn't care what everyone thinks. But, I can't stop it. He wrote these awful things to too many people over too many years. And the responses ALWAYS agreed with him, even if these people had never met me! Not ONE of them ever asked, "Gee, well why did you get married to her at all then?" People just assume that, since he's such a great, fun guy, he must be telling the truth. His wife must be the monster he says she is.
On that note, the first I/C he went to told him that all of his years of lying/cheating/manipulation/etc WAS, in fact, all MY fault. Yes, this was a certified psychologist. Never mind the fact that he had done the exact same thing to his first wife-up to and including making her a villain to everyone and having sex with countless others behind her back (of course I did not know this when I married him).
I/C number 2 (We were seeing individually until we were ready for M/C) gave him one assignment: Tell ToG one true thing per day. Not, one true thing about disclosure. Not one true thing about what had been going on in the marriage for the last 10 years. She wanted him to tell me one true sentence per day. I.e: "Good morning, ToG, my wife. We live in the United States." To people like my WH, that is a free-for-all pass to literally do whatever the heck ya want, consequences be damned. "Hey, I/C said I only had to say one true thing, so I'm going to make it a point to lie about everything else." In WH's defense, he thought that was utter horsesheet, too. I can't imagine one universe where that technique is an effective form of therapy. Just sayin'.
I/C #3 was his CSAT. I believe that he was, by far, the most effective. However, being as this CSAT specialized in sex 'offenders' he made it clear that he didn't have much know-how on what to do with the spouse of SA from the get-go. He was great to talk to, and I learned a lot, but it wasn't the right fit. WH and I both always got the impression that CSAT was against R for SAs.
WH does seem remorseful, sorta/sometimes. He has done a lot of work. We are NOT in R, though. I don't even know where to post here on SI anymore because I don't really fit anywhere. Is there a limbo section?
....wow, just realized how very very off track I got. I'm so sorry.
As I see it you have to figure out if he can ever own his shit and heal himself and out you first and foremost.
(((( and strength))))
I know you said you can't do IC for financial reasons and that the CSAT was not qualified to help spouses, but have you read any books such as Deceived by Claudia Black or worked on Stephanie Carnes Workbook for SA spouses, or attended SAnon meetings? Anything that focuses on you for you and not solely on your husband and his problems.
((((truthorgoodbye)))
