Thank you for the replies.
Honestly, I don't know whether or not he does understand the magnitude of this aspect of it all. When someone lies to your face-when someone has mastered the art of lying to everyone's face-for so long: how do you ever know what to believe? He "says" he wants to explain it all-has been saying that for 2 years. Yet, he does nothing-zero-to comfort me or make me feel safe in the meantime.
I would love to go to I/C. Finances will not allow it at this time. Even if they did, I've got what can only be described as massive social anxiety that makes me literally unable to converse with anyone about anything because of all of this.
I literally panic when even talking with my kids' teachers now.
His FB messages mocked me...as a person. He said things like, "My wife isn't likable." "She's incapable of having friends." "She doesn't get along with anyone because she has a degree in ___" "She's boring."
...these things haunt me. Every time I am in public or even around people. If my own husband thinks I'm unlikable, clearly I must be. I know it isn't logical or I shouldn't care what everyone thinks. But, I can't stop it. He wrote these awful things to too many people over too many years. And the responses ALWAYS agreed with him, even if these people had never met me! Not ONE of them ever asked, "Gee, well why did you get married to her at all then?" People just assume that, since he's such a great, fun guy, he must be telling the truth. His wife must be the monster he says she is.
On that note, the first I/C he went to told him that all of his years of lying/cheating/manipulation/etc WAS, in fact, all MY fault. Yes, this was a certified psychologist. Never mind the fact that he had done the exact same thing to his first wife-up to and including making her a villain to everyone and having sex with countless others behind her back (of course I did not know this when I married him).
I/C number 2 (We were seeing individually until we were ready for M/C) gave him one assignment: Tell ToG one true thing per day. Not, one true thing about disclosure. Not one true thing about what had been going on in the marriage for the last 10 years. She wanted him to tell me one true sentence per day. I.e: "Good morning, ToG, my wife. We live in the United States." To people like my WH, that is a free-for-all pass to literally do whatever the heck ya want, consequences be damned. "Hey, I/C said I only had to say one true thing, so I'm going to make it a point to lie about everything else." In WH's defense, he thought that was utter horsesheet, too. I can't imagine one universe where that technique is an effective form of therapy. Just sayin'.
I/C #3 was his CSAT. I believe that he was, by far, the most effective. However, being as this CSAT specialized in sex 'offenders' he made it clear that he didn't have much know-how on what to do with the spouse of SA from the get-go. He was great to talk to, and I learned a lot, but it wasn't the right fit. WH and I both always got the impression that CSAT was against R for SAs.
WH does seem remorseful, sorta/sometimes. He has done a lot of work. We are NOT in R, though. I don't even know where to post here on SI anymore because I don't really fit anywhere. Is there a limbo section?
....wow, just realized how very very off track I got. I'm so sorry.