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shudistayorgo posted 6/26/2013 16:10 PM

I've been with my H for a total of 16 years, we've been married for almost 13 and have 2 children (8 and 3). We've always had some issues with communication (basically communication happens when I initiate) but overall, I've always thought we've had a pretty solid M. Things started feeling "off" for me so I went searching and found notes he had written basically of Pros and Cons. 2 full pages of "Pros" about the OW. D-Day was 3.5 weeks ago. I confronted him immediately with what I had found and he didn't deny any of it (honestly, how could he?!). I went on to find out that it is a co-worker of his and that she is 11 years younger than him (he's 36, she's 25). OMG!! Are you freaking KIDDING me!?! That first weekend was a complete nightmare. He said he would end it and we agreed that we needed MC immediately. Neither of us wanted to just throw in the towel without trying first. He slept in another room for about the 1st week and then things started to get physical with us...touching hands, hugging and eventually led to us making love. It's SO confusing because since then, I feel like I can't get enough of him. We have never had issues in that department so I'm not overly surprised about that but the level of intensity of me really wanting him has been pretty crazy.
(sorry...just realized I haven't put any paragraph breaks...).
We have seen the MC 1x together and 1x separately. So far it's felt like a waste and all this guy is doing is gathering background information (what our childhoods were like, etc.). His main therapy focus is EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and he has us both reading "Hold Me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson. Anyone have experience with this?

Anyways, we are having major ups and downs and I feel like I'm wanting to rush to get this resolved. But I know it will take time...a LOT of time. I'm happy to have found this site. Reading your posts helps me to know that I'm not crazy with what I'm thinking and feeling.

My H really needs to start stepping things up a notch. I feel that is is remorseful but I feel like I've been putting in WAY more effort to change things than he has. I feel as though he should be going over the top to hold on to me. And that's not really happening yet.

Thanks for listening...

Me - 36
H - 36
Dday - 03/31/13
Trying for R

1Faith posted 6/26/2013 16:50 PM

Q: Why do I want to have sex with WS?

A: Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse.

Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before.

This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!

Seek a new IC/MC if you aren't connecting with this one. It took us 3 but when we did it was life changing.
One actually told me to get a massage and I would feel better.

Try to take some time and think. Know that this had nothing to do with you, it was not your fault in any way. If there were problems in the marriage, they could have been handled differently.

Don't make any major decisions right away, first try to get to a better place emotionally so that you can do what is right for yourself. You will learn a lot here and I cannot stress to you how much the people here will help you, we've all been in the same situation - please post whenever you need to and keep reading, you will learn and make friends who share your pain and you'll see that you can make it through too. That will give you the strength to recover.

There are also helpful articles in the Healing Library that will give you more insight.

Good luck and keep moving.

shudistayorgo posted 6/26/2013 19:34 PM

Thank you so much and for explaining Hysterical Bonding. It makes sense. Yes, we see the MC on July 2nd and have both agreed if something doesn't change big time with him we'll be looking elsewhere. It's going to get really expensive...

ErinD posted 6/26/2013 19:53 PM

Good luck with your second session. Hope it goes better or you are are able to find a MC that works for the both of you.
I've felt the same increased desire for any kind of contact with him since finding out. Reading the definition was also extremely helpful.

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