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letting be

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Joanh posted 6/26/2013 16:29 PM

So again yesterday I was at my touch therapy session. I find I feel alittle more balanced after. And once again, she came up with Grief, fear, past, holding on, and worry controlling my body and being stuck. My body is really starting to show the stress and the destruction of what I have done. Lost alot of weight, and so many aches and pains, which I had before due to depression but now its just doesnt go away. Between her and my Ic its a common theme given to me. You have to let go of the past you cannot change it only learn, and move forward. Also I've been told to listen to my heart and my intuition not to over think or rely on other persons thoughts.

Both of these concepts are so scarey to me. My perceptions and my thoughts lead me to my A how can I trust myself, or let myself just be when I second guess everything I do. Can't imagine being my BH and having to second guess everything I say. When I get up, I want to be happy, move forward, When I do smile I feel its wrong of me to be able to. Does this makes sense.
My H had to go back to work again last night. AS you may have read previous he would like for me not to react to him when he is having a bad moment. So I hug him and keep going tell him I love him. And try to keep smiling, this is a huge trigger for him cause it was when he came home from work as a surprise that he cought me. Both travelling to work and coming home sets him on edge. He did surprise me this time too and I was so happy that I ran into his arms, Im sure he was taken by surprise himself but I think I may have seen some relief there. Im not sure.
Am I wrong in moving forward, to wanting to be happy again, do I actually deserve this family and life. Can I be this person who does everything she needs right here. Will I allow myself that. Can I forgive myself enough to believe I deserve it. This is what has stopped me before.
I love my husband and am so ....I really don't have a word for this feeling I have inside , for what Ive done to him and for the fact I couldn't see what I had right here. And that it can never come back. Its like a death. No way to revive it. I really can't imagine how it feels inside of my BH , how he can stand up and be the person he is. when the pain I inflicted brings me to my knees having it done to you could only be 1000 times worse. To have to give up something you believed in and have it ripped from from your life your heart. I wish I could give it back.
Do I have the right to believe I can give him the life he deserves and believed he had, can I have that life too?
Anyone else feel like this anyone else have suggestions on forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to live and be happy,

BaxtersBFF posted 6/26/2013 18:29 PM

It is a matter of acceptance. You've done it. Can't change it. You also can't base what you are doing now on an outcome that is unknown. In other words, you have to let go of the outcome too.

You have the right to do the work on yourself to make yourself a safe person for your spouse. He also has the right to not accept what you do. Does that change your plan? Would you still do the work if your BH said that it wouldn't matter to him in the end and that he is just going to D you eventually?

Joanh posted 6/26/2013 19:38 PM

That is a question that I have allready answered to myself. And yes I want to be and I am allready working on dealing with life differently, working on building myself to be the person I can be . If he decides to leave in the end I will still be me and know I have honestly tried and have grown. Its myself doubt and the belief right now that I don't deserve to be that is sometimes over powering. The guilt holds me back and the fear of if I forgive myself and move forward that I will forget. Does that make sense. A lot of the negative you don't deserve the love and don't deserve to be smiling keeps coming in my head and taints even the good times we are having.
I was looking at a picture of the two of us yesterday. And we both were smiling with our eyes and mouth it was real. and it was a loving intimate laugh together. It gives me hope. We both looked happy in that millisecond it took for the picture to be taken. I want to be that person as much as possible.

BaxtersBFF posted 6/26/2013 19:49 PM

I think that guilt is a cover for fear. Not the fear you mention about forgetting everything if you forgive yourself, but other fears. Sort of like like anger is often a cover for fear.

You deserve to be happy with yourself. Whatever other people think you deserve doesn't matter. It is all about you now.

I'll tell you...I'm three and a half years out, and there are still plenty of times when I remember what I did. But there are also plenty of times when I've seen that happiness on my BW's face. If you guys work on it together, you can get there.

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