Fake it till you make it assumes you are committed and working on the relationship and have some days when you just want to throw the covers over your head and say fuck it all. Or days when it is all you can do to not throw his shit all over the lawn and clean the toilet with his toothbrush. But on those days you still put effort into the marriage, do things that help you stay connected and ride it out.
Rugsweeping is ignoring the BS's pain and the WS's need to explore what they did and why. It is slapping a freaking happy face over a gaping wound. The wound becomes infected. No healing happens.
Are you in MC or IC?
So, are you trying to keep NC or are you keeping NC? What do you mean by try? If it helps...think of Yoda. No try. Do, or do not. There is no try. Of course, you have to say it in his voice or it really doesn't have the same impact.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:24 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
My H had an A a very long time ago, pretty early in our M. We 'worked through it', which meant pretty much what you said---we rugswept. He didn't want to talk about it too much, we went to MC and IC for a short time, and life continued. (I wish we had SI back then!)
All these unresolved issues popped up years later. I had multiple As, he had a few minor indiscretions through the years.
I'm not using his A in 1994 as an excuse for my poor choices and terrible behavior. I'm just saying that I can relate to what you are saying and I want to let you know that we have worked through the issues and continue to work on our M.
We are reconciled and our M is healthier than ever. We have grown and fixed stuff in ourselves that needed addressing.
You and your H can get there if you're both willing to do the necessary work.
I can totally relate to what you are saying.
My H, who is on here at SI, had an EA 18 yrs ago. We rugswept it, not knowing really what else to do. But it damaged us, and I knew he was not maintaining boundaries with other women where he worked for the next 18 yrs. I rugswept that too. It damaged me, it compromised who I was. I became angry. Someone I didn't know anymore. And when I finally moved out, I did the thing that I never thought I would do. I slept with someone else.
I felt the same way as you. Who was this person that could make this decision? That has been a hard question for me. I always knew who I was, my beliefs, and I didn't waver from them. Only this time I did. It can make you feel lost, I get that. But you can pick up the pieces, start putting them back together, in a healthy way. Rebuild who you are, fix those broken parts of you that made these decisions. And then you will find yourself again and you will remember who you are again.
Good luck, and welcome to SI.