Oh absolutely you need answers. I had to find out most of the proof myself through my investigative skills
But there are still questions and sometimes I still need to talk about it. I am 16 months out from DDay 1 and 7 months from DDay 4.
WH thinks I should be over this by now too. He says, "This is killing us." Um no honey you already killed us.
I am picking up from where I last left off with the 180 full steam ahead. WH is either going to join me or he isn't but this speed train ain't stopping.
Best of luck pewpewpew, it seems more WS's are unremorseful than remorseful or maybe I am just focused on that because mine seems unremorseful yet again.
That worked to get the first 1/3 of the truth. Of course if I'd listened closely enough to his answers I would've known he was still lying but I had no SI then.
It was around one year that I FINALLY drew my line in the sand. It was so hard to let go of the outcome. Because I wanted to stay in the marriage so badly.
What can I say? I had to get to the point where I could not take living in pseudo R(limbo in R's clothing) for one second longer. I stopped pacifying my remorseful, but inactive H and made REAL tangible demands in R for the first time.
For example the A was over. I had all the transparency and access I wanted. And he would run to those things as proof of his efforts. But he still was defensive, blamed my weight in his passive aggressive way and never made move one without a serious nudge from me. It was exhausting and soul crushing.
As far as truth goes...
I got as much truth as I got. So much of it on my own. So much of it through alternate sources. And golly gee, I found out EVERYTHING. According to him. I gave him a year once to provide me with one piece of information that I did not see in emails or find out on my own.
He did but it was a song and it was past the deadline...
He will not own up to it. He says after a year, we should move on.
You can't move on from something that he wont acknowledge. I believe in the 'gut'. If your gut is telling you something... LISTEN.
How about a lie detector test?
[This message edited by redrock at 8:42 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
You will probably have to do a 180, and also make noises like you are thinking of ending the marriage. See an attorney just to see what your options are. He is just rug-sweeping like all waywards do, and if they can get by with it, they will continue it. Good luck and hugs. K
WSes who want to move on when the BS isn't ready aren't remorseful, IMO, and aren't candidates for R. You can't force your H to tell the truth, though, and it sounds as if he won't.
You're now faced with a choice between rugsweeping and staying in a shaky M, waiting, or taking steps to end your M.
You know your sitch. If you see hope your H will change, that's one thing. If you don't, that's another.
I'm with k-68: consider the 180.
Of course WH is going to be defensive, he's been able to not talk about it at all in the past year so he's comfortable with being, well, comfortable. In order to heal, he's going to have to get uncomfortable and talk about it. And it's going to be VERY uncomfortable. My H was truly remorseful from the very beginning and therefor has always answered my questions, even if they were terribly embarrassing and humiliating for him to do so. Did it hurt? Yes. But it was necessary for both of us to heal from this trauma.
And I was a SAHM when my H cheated on me, and during the first few years of R as well. My H going to work and bringing home a paycheck meant nothing compared to his actions in owning what he's done and healing himself and our M have. Any jerkwad can bring home a paycheck, but it takes a real man to deal with his issues, heal, and grow.
Take care of yourself pew, and if you feel you need something, then get it! If you need MC (which I highly recommend in dealing with infidelity), then get it. If you need IC, then get it. If you need a poly to determine the truth, then get it.