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Newest Member: EllaE21 (60723)

User Topic: After a lot of advice...
♀ 38116
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much to the posters here.
After a lot of advice - most of which I did not want to hear, I've decided not to "rugsweep" and get to the bottom of why I feel the way I do.
After a year out, I should be healing. But I'm not. I'm left with a lot of unanswered questions and a WS who wants to pretend this did not happen.
As a SAHM, he wants to pretend he's an amazing father and husband because he provides for his family.
This is ok and you're reason to pretend nothing happened?!?!
I've been asking more and more questions and he takes the defensive approach. To get angry and defensive.
Because he "works so hard".
Yeah. Fucking co-workers?!?!
I WILL get the truth. I will never forget the shit he has put me through.
I'm done being a doormat and letting his behaviour and excuses be "enough".
If he has respect for me - he WILL tell me the truth.
How often (without proof) do you get the truth?
All I know is that it was an inappropriate friendship with a co-worker. It took time away from me and our family so of course it was an EA, at least. They had time alone so I've always assumed a PA.
He will not own up to it. He says after a year, we should move on.

BS - 32
DDay 1: July 2012 - EA with COW
DDay 2: March 2015; same COW

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, pack your shit and get out.

Fool me twice, now what?!?!

Posts: 397 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Oh absolutely you need answers. I had to find out most of the proof myself through my investigative skills

But there are still questions and sometimes I still need to talk about it. I am 16 months out from DDay 1 and 7 months from DDay 4.

WH thinks I should be over this by now too. He says, "This is killing us." Um no honey you already killed us.

I am picking up from where I last left off with the 180 full steam ahead. WH is either going to join me or he isn't but this speed train ain't stopping.

Best of luck pewpewpew, it seems more WS's are unremorseful than remorseful or maybe I am just focused on that because mine seems unremorseful yet again.

BS/FWS (me):43 Madhatter
WS/BS:46 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DD(13) DS(10)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4022 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX got so angry at me when I finally stopped rug-sweeping and started asking the hard questions & expecting answers. He did not ever offer answers, BTW. But what he did tell me repeatedly was that I was lucky he came home each day. And THAT, Ladies & Gentlemen, was proof positive that he was a faithful, loving husband & father. THAT was why I had no right to ask him about the love letters I'd found which he'd written to another woman. Because he came home each day was the reason why I should not expect him to explain why he had pictures of him & other women having sex (I'd been finding them for years & years, had always gaslighted myself about them, but now I wanted answers).

Good luck!

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 38839
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had no proof of what actually happened. Someone forwarded Mr a text in which my husband described someone he wanted to have sex with and then he said "you're going to have to accept that I'm going to have sex with women other than my wife." That's all I had. I confronted at 6am and said, "you need to tell me the truth right now. Last chance. How many girls have you cheated on me with?"

That worked to get the first 1/3 of the truth. Of course if I'd listened closely enough to his answers I would've known he was still lying but I had no SI then.


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 21538
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It was around one year that I FINALLY drew my line in the sand. It was so hard to let go of the outcome. Because I wanted to stay in the marriage so badly.

What can I say? I had to get to the point where I could not take living in pseudo R(limbo in R's clothing) for one second longer. I stopped pacifying my remorseful, but inactive H and made REAL tangible demands in R for the first time.

For example the A was over. I had all the transparency and access I wanted. And he would run to those things as proof of his efforts. But he still was defensive, blamed my weight in his passive aggressive way and never made move one without a serious nudge from me. It was exhausting and soul crushing.

As far as truth goes...

I got as much truth as I got. So much of it on my own. So much of it through alternate sources. And golly gee, I found out EVERYTHING. According to him. I gave him a year once to provide me with one piece of information that I did not see in emails or find out on my own.

He did but it was a song and it was past the deadline...

He will not own up to it. He says after a year, we should move on.

You can't move on from something that he wont acknowledge. I believe in the 'gut'. If your gut is telling you something... LISTEN.

How about a lie detector test?

[This message edited by redrock at 8:42 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes we are so terrified that our marriage will end, that we back off and don't get the answers and remorse that we need and then it just gets pushed to the back of the burner where it simmers and stews. You can not reconcile unless you can trust and he is not even trying to build that.

You will probably have to do a 180, and also make noises like you are thinking of ending the marriage. See an attorney just to see what your options are. He is just rug-sweeping like all waywards do, and if they can get by with it, they will continue it. Good luck and hugs. K

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, remorseful WSes come clean even when the BS has no proof, although it may take months for remorse to show up.

WSes who want to move on when the BS isn't ready aren't remorseful, IMO, and aren't candidates for R. You can't force your H to tell the truth, though, and it sounds as if he won't.

You're now faced with a choice between rugsweeping and staying in a shaky M, waiting, or taking steps to end your M.

You know your sitch. If you see hope your H will change, that's one thing. If you don't, that's another.

I'm with k-68: consider the 180.

As of September, 2017 -
fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 50, together 50+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 16267 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 18429
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you are taking a stand for your own personal healing from this! Getting what you need to heal is the best way to get through this in the fastest amount of time.

Of course WH is going to be defensive, he's been able to not talk about it at all in the past year so he's comfortable with being, well, comfortable. In order to heal, he's going to have to get uncomfortable and talk about it. And it's going to be VERY uncomfortable. My H was truly remorseful from the very beginning and therefor has always answered my questions, even if they were terribly embarrassing and humiliating for him to do so. Did it hurt? Yes. But it was necessary for both of us to heal from this trauma.

And I was a SAHM when my H cheated on me, and during the first few years of R as well. My H going to work and bringing home a paycheck meant nothing compared to his actions in owning what he's done and healing himself and our M have. Any jerkwad can bring home a paycheck, but it takes a real man to deal with his issues, heal, and grow.

Take care of yourself pew, and if you feel you need something, then get it! If you need MC (which I highly recommend in dealing with infidelity), then get it. If you need IC, then get it. If you need a poly to determine the truth, then get it.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - WS
Us - working on R - again
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
D-day 2 July 4, 2015, turns out he is a SAWH, status, working harder than ever before, trying to fix something we thought we already had. It's

Posts: 4467 | Registered: Feb 2008
Topic Posts: 8

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