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Newest Member: Nala87 (61091)

User Topic: New Here - My Story
♀ 39676
Member # 39676
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even though I'm new here, I don't fit into "Just Found Out," because I've known about the A for several months, moved out a few months back (I was actually mentally tortured out of my home) and my WS recently filed for divorce without talking to me, even though I told him if he wanted one to just let me know. He is CLASSIC (as in his picture should appear next to the definition) PA. He also appears to be CA (covert aggressive). He is a serial cheater, beginning when we were dating, always citing some unpardonable behavior on my part that caused him to look for "happiness" elsewhere. For my part, after I was able to admit to myself that I am co-dependent and an enabler, which is one of the reasons I am in IC, I was able to see my part in the problems in the marriage, which really has nothing to do with why he is a serial cheater. I was in the marriage with someone who used emotional blackmail to control me, but I didn't have an A. However, IC has also allowed me to see that I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for these past almost 28 years - 26 of them married. My WS has never really tried to hide his As - in fact he has boldly texted right in front of me. There were never any ground rules about calling or texting in his EMAs - no restrictions about acceptable times to call or text. They always started out as EAs then moved into a PA. The latest (and apparently greatest - this all started in earnest in December) he has decided is the love of his life, even though when she attempted to have an affair with him over 20 years ago, she was a woman with problems who needed to get herself together (his words, not mine). Apparently she has improved with age (even though she is indulging in the same behavior that caused him to make that assessment years ago). After getting some distance from him, I realize that I have never felt honored or respected in our relationship and I've spent all of this time attempting to please someone who will never be pleased, and trying to "make" someone happy who will never be happy (unless he gets effective IC - so never). Happiness comes from within and the person who you're with can enhance that feeling. You bring happiness with you - no one can give it to you - they can only make better what you already possess.

Our children are mostly grown, but they are still struggling with this, which he refuses to acknowledge. He thinks everyone should just go along as if this is all okay and they should just welcome her into the family because that's what he wants. Selfish much? But of course that's who he is.

I am still hurting because my emotions have not caught up with my brain which has finally realized that what I have been holding onto is a figment of my imagination. No one who cares about you repeatedly makes you feel that no matter what, you never quite measure up. No one who cares about you could go days not talking to you because they didn't approve of something you wore. I could go on, but you get the picture. Hopefully, through IC and the support of the people on this site, I will be able to continue to move forward. I have so many days when I just want to give in to depression and hurt, but I keep trying to keep going. I have been reading here for a month or so, and have found some of the things I've read very helpful in keeping me going. I decided to take the plunge and join the discussion. The hits just keep coming (that's how PAs operate) so I'm sure I'll be posting frequently in the near future. Thanks for listening.

Me: BS (50's, but No One Would Know)
Him: STBWXH - PA/CA/NPD Serial Cheater (50's going on 12)
D-Day: Every Day?
4 Outstanding Offspring

Tragedy in life normally comes with betrayal and compromise . . .

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Seeking clarity))))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. It sounds as if you have a good handle on your situation, but of course there is still so much hurt.

Do you have a IC?

I wish you the very best.

Dday -9/23/2012

Posts: 2307 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
♀ 35799
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI seeking clarity. Wow! You sound like you have been through a lot over an extended period and have been emotionally abused by him for a very long time.

I am so glad you are in IC - I have found it really helpful to have that kind of support and help with insight. Have you checked out the healing library? (Link in the yellow box at the top left) there are some really helpful articles and suggested reading.

As for fitting into forums - just choose where you feel comfortable. Just found out if you want and there is also Divorce/Separation.

Welcome again - lots of hugs.

On D-day:
BS 47 (me)
WH 51 - Toasted22
M 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24) at discovery.
D-Days 2012 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA once 2010

Posts: 915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: NZ
♀ 39676
Member # 39676
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the hugs - I need all that I can get. I tend to get melancholy at times because when I do not respond to the latest emotional assault (and that is exactly what it is) he comes up with another one. I've heard he is planning to bring the other woman into the marital home for an extended visit (she currently lives out of town) even though the children do not approve, one of whom is home for the summer. I'm sure he is making it known, hoping I will find out. He believes his poison to be subtle and slow acting, but everyone smells the toxic fumes.

However, I'm noticing that as I have gradually been able to move into implementing the 180 (that is a hard one when you're first trying to get your bearings), I am learning to take the blows and they are beginning to have slightly less of an impact. That is today. Tomorrow may be different, but right now, I'm thankful for today. This is a great place which seems to be full of good, caring people. Maybe that's why betraying our spouse was not on our radar.

Me: BS (50's, but No One Would Know)
Him: STBWXH - PA/CA/NPD Serial Cheater (50's going on 12)
D-Day: Every Day?
4 Outstanding Offspring

Tragedy in life normally comes with betrayal and compromise . . .

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 34770
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have indeed been through the ringer. I am happy to read that you have removed yourself from a terribly abusive relationship. Your WH sounds very scary to me. He sounds like he gets some kind do pleasure in hurting you emotionally.

I think there is a word for that. And I think it is psychopath.

You are free now. Of course you are traumatized and in pain, but you are free.

Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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