SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out that 1.5 months into my marriage, my spouse got drunk on NYE and cheated with on me. My WS cheated with the first person WS ever slept with, who also happens to be my WS's brothers best friend. They made out at a club, right in front of WS's brother and then went back to my spouses brothers house and continued making out in the guest room. My spouses brother was present for everything and made no attempt to stop things from happening. I was across the country because a lump was found in my neck and I had urgent doctors appointments I had to attend to. My WS was with family because their Grandmother hurt her leg and needed help while the family was looking for a permanent caregiver. I know they didn't have sex, but it honestly doesn't matter. My heart feels like it's been ripped from my body. I can't believe this happened. My WS's brother has always been hoping the two of them would be together, always dropping hints in front of me, which is pretty messed up. That evening, I had a bad feeling and when I called me WS's phone, the brother answered and told me "not to worry, WS is being well taken care of". This was after he saw my WS cheating on me. This is so messed up. I feel like I'm dying inside. WS and I am working with a therapist, but I feel like the trust is irreparable. Is there any hope?

I realize I've left something important out...My WS has been very apologetic, promising never to get drunk again. WS has done everything I've asked, without complaint and had been seeing a therapist for the past few months to cope with the guilt. However, WS has a bad habit of doing terribly destructive things when too much alcohol is consumed. WS had never cheated before, but I always warned WS that that was the next thing that would happen if WS kept over-drinking. WS almost always drinks responsibly, but just when the trust is restored, another night of "too much fun" is had and I get burned.

Also worth mentioning, I texted WS's brother and told him I was hurt that he didnt even attempt to stop things...I thought we were family. He wrote back that I'm not worth this, that WS deserves better and that I'm pathetic,etc. i called WS and WS got into a yelling match with the brother over the phone. The brother then ran and told their mom lies about me, to sabotage me to my souses family, because he was mad that I texted him. I'm so incredibly hurt. What should I do?

There is always hope, and hope can be for lots of things, divorce (D), reconciliation (R), or even "not divorcing" while you figure things out.

Involvement of a family member complicates issues. Your BIL is clearly not a friend of the marriage (M). If you decide to try and repair the damage, your Wayward Husband (WH) is going to have to choose between his M and his brother. He needs to defend the M, and protect your feelings after the comments from his brother.

There is a lot of good advice here. Check out the healing library in the upper right corner. Decide what you need from your WH to stay and try to repair the M if that is what you want. Something you may want is for him to figure out why he decided to make out with an old girlfriend while his W was away getting medical treatment. What made that OK for him? He needs to know why he did it in order to change his behavior so that he does not do it again.

Keep posting, keep reading. Recovery from infidelity takes time, but you will get there whether you stay or ultimately D.

ETA:

...bad habit of doing terribly destructive things when too much alcohol is consumed.

words are cheap, and cheaters lie. What is he doing to address his alcohol problem? AA? IC? anything other than a promise?

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:42 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

Welcome

Right now I think you need to focus on what you need. I'd skip his family until there is healing between you and your H. At that time your H needs to address this with his family and try to clear the muddy water.

You said that your H has a habit of doing terribly destructive things when he drinks. Is he getting counseling with that or is it just the guilt? Is he working with the therapist on how to help prove his trustworthiness?

Dude is an alcoholic. You don't need to drink every day to be an alcoholic. If booze = destruction...if booze = making decisions that hurt yourself and others...then you have alcoholism. Does he have a history of it in his family?

Most people think its normal to do stupid things when drunk. Maybe. Sometimes. But hurtful, awful things? Consistently? That's a problem.

But don't blame the cheating on the booze either. His choice to cheat is related to drinking, but it is still a choice, coming from something deep inside of him - something that likely affects the drinking as well (hence, they are related). But just taking the drinking out of the equation doesn't necessarily solve all the problems, it doesn't solve his cheating.

I agree. Focus on you now. Despite what I said above, I wouldn't even worry about his drinking for a few days or weeks to just get your feet under you. Don't worry about his brother, family.

There is always hope, but this will be a tough battle especially with such a challenging in-law situation. I'm married to an alcoholic WH. It isn't easy. But he is sober. Truly sober. I mean that he's doing more than just "not drinking" - he is getting to the root of his issues. He is making amends. He is living cleanly, honestly.

There are some threads in ICR about alcoholism and R, if you go that route.

I'm just curious as to how you're sure that nothing physical happened? Quite clearly, it certainly wasn't because your H's brother was looking to protect you and your marriage - he's basically told you that you're worthless and need to disappear.

So no one was clearly looking out for your best interests.

Since these two had exactly zero concern for your medical emergency and zero respect for you or your marriage, why would you even begin to believe anything your husband tells you?

The utter disrespect being shown to you is palpable.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position. You've been given the gift of 'sight' at the 1.5 month mark. You've pretty much been shown what you can expect for the lifetime of your marriage if your husband doesn't do a drastic 180 and completely change his ways for the better.

Good luck to you.

Thanks to everyone for your responses and advise. I'm sorry for my late reply. As you can imagine, it's been hectic at home. To answer some of the questions you asked...

1. The alcohol issue...My WS (wife) and I are going to therapy together and individually. WS is working on the self esteem issues that made WS feel like she had to behave a certain way (drink to excess) to be "cool" in her brothers eyes and how she could jeopardize our marriage by pushing her personal drinking boundaries just to feel like she fit in with her brother. Our therapist believes its not necessarily the drinking itself that is the problem, but rather the self esteem issues that lead to my WS's decision to drink to excess. WS has been very forthcoming and open to everything I've said and the therapist has asked of her.

2. Yes, my BIL is clearly not a friend to our marriage. My WS's family and friends have always looked up to us and been very vocal about how obviously in love we are, whereas my BIL and his spouse have a shallow relationship. WS's friends and family detest BIL's spouse because its a financial relationship and BIL's spouse is very pompous and superficial/fake...the opposite of me and my W. BIL thinks that if W and I weren't together, W would be living back near the BIL and would be dating the HW, who happens to be his BFF. It's clear that BIL's watching the night play out and not making any attempt to step in/protect his sibling or me is motivated by jealousy and his own narcissistic desires. To try and correct this, my WS had to come clean to their mother and other brother about what happened and about BIL's presence that night. WS composed emails to both family members and I saw them get sent. WS has also told me that while BIL is family, that he is obviously never going to be a friend to us and that their relationship is over...will not be rude to BIL or disrespectful, but no more trusting this individual or putting effort into growing that toxic and dangerous relationship. I don't know how this will play out since BIL is very manipulative.

3. WS has stopped drinking. As things progress with the self esteem, we may adjust this (our therapist suggested we not set this in concrete). However, I will not trust WS to drink in my absence. Although, I don't think any "clubbing" will happen in my absence ever again.

I'm trying to take things day by day. Journaling and this forum have been so helpful in the first month since D-Day. However, the pain is still crippling. I cry less now, purely because my eyes hurt too much to keep crying several times a day. I am terrified of seeing BIL again and mortified to see the other BIL and MIL. I know my MIL, although she cares for me, still thinks BIL was acting out of love for WS...wtf. Does this get any easier?