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9 months out and contacted BH!

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Knowing posted 6/26/2013 20:38 PM

... by email, which will probably end up in the spam folder and may never be seen... But I did it! I've been trying to just find his name for 9 months now and once I had his name today the rest fell into place pretty quickly. From the start, I felt compelled to inform him...

"I am writing you to inform you that your wife and my husband had an affair last year that to my knowledge ended on September (?), 2012. In all honesty I have been looking for your contact information since I found out about the affair on (DDay)). I am also writing in the hopes that should you have any information I do not have, that you might share it with me.

The inappropriate, emotional aspect of the affair started while they were working (in our hometown).

It continued with unprotected sexual relations at the hotel (in another town), at the beginning of June. Shortly after my husband's return home, your wife showed up in (in our hometown) and the affair continued during the entirety of her stay.

My husband visited (your hometown) in July for less than a week and stayed in your apartment with your wife.

According to my husband sexual relations ceased temporarily until your wife's later trip to (our hometown) at the beginning of September, which would have been the last time they had sex, if the information I have is correct. The last time they saw each other was in (our hometown) on the night of September (?). My husband has told me they did not go to your wife's hotel room, but did meet.

My husband has informed me that there were concerns at that time and all throughout their affair regarding timing of sexual relations and risk of pregnancy because your wife was not on birth control and they were not using any. Any child born to your wife between March and June 2013 should have its paternity questioned. We would appreciate being informed if there is indeed a child being born to your family imminently, or was born recently.

Your wife and my husband attempted to keep "professional" contact until early December 2012, at which time, and according to what I have been able to ascertain contact ceased.

The secret email account they used during the affair is: (insert email address here)

I have been diagnosed since their affair with (an STD).


gonnabe2016 posted 6/26/2013 20:41 PM

Good job, Knowing. You did the right thing.

kansas1968 posted 6/26/2013 20:48 PM

Really great letter. Short on emotion but long on facts. With the STD and the risk of a pregnancy, I absolutely think you did the right thing, even though I am usually a bit conflicted about informing the OPs spouse. Good job.

I sure would hate to be her husband getting that email though. We all know the hell he is facing.

Knowing posted 6/26/2013 21:02 PM

Yeah, um, never expected a response... I just checked my email and, dear lord, the BH responded and has asked me to call him. I thought I had big balls this afternoon... Now I'm shaking in my boots.

sodamnlost posted 6/26/2013 21:12 PM


Hope the calls go well. You did the right thing, not an easy thing either.

RockyMtn posted 6/26/2013 21:25 PM

Good luck with the call. Good on you so far. That letter is fantastic and should be a model for others in your situation.

Just remind yourself that every moment you wait to make the call will create angst as well, at least equal to the call itself. Either way, waiting to call or making the call is stressful.

Just curious...did your WH not reveal BH's name? Or did he not know it? Why was it so hard to find assuming you knew the OW's name. Just curious, not that important right now with the impending call.

Knowing posted 6/26/2013 21:32 PM

Different time zone entirely, can't call tonight anyway...

All I had was a first name for him and his profession. As it turns out he has a completely different last name, she doesn't use her married name. I finally came across something with her married name.

cuppacoffee posted 6/26/2013 22:01 PM

You go girl! I am so proud of you. I hope you get some peace from it!

fourever posted 6/26/2013 22:09 PM

Knowing, Kudos for sticking to it and locating him. He had, as you did, a right to know.
Don't be nervous about talking with him, just tell him the facts, and, based on what he may know, ask your questions.
If he is belligerent, or aggressive, you have no further obligation. We know all too well the emotions that come with discovery, so keep that in mind.
Difficult, yes. Don't be scared, it will work out.
I might suggest you record the call.

crazyblindsided posted 6/26/2013 23:19 PM

That is fantastic Knowing! You absolutely did the right thing

Offhispedestal posted 6/26/2013 23:26 PM

Good for you!

CatchyUsername posted 6/27/2013 06:21 AM

I am using your email as a model!

I think I can posted 6/27/2013 07:47 AM

Perfect letter. I'm impressed. Please let us know how it goes.

sisoon posted 6/27/2013 12:03 PM

Agree - perfect letter, and I, too, hope your call goes as well as it can.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/27/2013 12:10 PM

The right thing to do and done perfectly. Great job! Keep up the good work when you call him. Remember, any strong emotion on his part is not personal. You did not cause this. You are just doing the responsible thing. I hope he can appreciate that and if not that you can both leave the door open for better communication when he's had a chance to collect his thoughts and more information. Good luck.

Rebreather posted 6/27/2013 13:39 PM

*fingers crossed* for a good phone call.

karmahappens posted 6/27/2013 13:47 PM

*fingers crossed* for a good phone call.

me too....good luck

Knowing posted 6/27/2013 14:06 PM

I can't believe the guy sounds so chipper. I find it unnerving:


Dear Knowing,

I received your email. Thank you.

I'm currently traveling on business (out of the country). Is there a telephone number I can reach you? My cell phone number is...

Also, could you please send any future correspondence to my personal email account at: (email address)

Many thanks and best regards,

[This message edited by Knowing at 2:07 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

karmahappens posted 6/27/2013 14:10 PM

He may be able to separate his feelings from his response to you. You are not the wrong-doer here....

And maybe he has known for a while. Maybe he doesn;t care....who knows. You did the right thing.

cdnmommy posted 6/27/2013 14:17 PM

I would not be at all surprised if he has known something was off, but not been able to identify it, and now that you have emailed him, he doesn't want to scare you off by showing strong emotions. Not to mention if he is traveling for business, he is likely putting on his happy face for work.

You did great.

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