Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: 321maison

Divorce/Separation :
Handling kids birthdays

This Topic is Archived
default

 dlmos (original poster member #36839) posted at 2:40 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

The ex and I had agreed to have joint bday parties for the kids this year to try and keep some normalcy for them, and also it's coming out of my pocket so it makes financial sense. However, next year we will be financially seperated and I wanted to get an idea how everyone else handles these sort of events? I have no desire to spend any time around the ex I dont have to, but it would make also seem to mke sense t have a single party rather than two.

Any thoughts?

BH (32)
DS - 7, DD - 6
Divorced

posts: 461   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2012   ·   location: Fort Worth,Texas
id 6388647
default

Williesmom ( member #22870) posted at 2:48 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

2 parties. Anything else sends the kids the message that there could be hope of reconciliation between you two, IMHO.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

posts: 9299   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Western PA
id 6388664
default

Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 2:57 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

Separate.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6388676
default

gonnabe2016 ( member #34823) posted at 3:01 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

Sep-a-rate Par-ties.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

posts: 9241   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Midwest
id 6388684
default

roughroadahead ( member #36060) posted at 3:02 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

I agree. Two parties. Waffle and I had a "family" party for DD, but that was days after the S. The routine had not yet been established.

For DS7's birthday, per the custody schedule, it was his year for the actual day. His mother was in town, they had a party. I was there very briefly. Then we had another celebration the next weekend with my family. Your kids basically have two separate families now. One with you, one with her. The only thing you need to decide really is who deals with the school friends party if/when that's applicable. DS7 is in an autism class. No one does drop off parties, even at age 7, because no one needs 8-12 kids on the spectrum at their house. For that reason, I deal with that because I know the other moms. He chips in financially for that. Beyond that, separate parties, and the kids see it as some kind of birthday bonanza.

BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

posts: 751   ·   registered: Jul. 9th, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 6388685
default

GabyBaby ( member #26928) posted at 3:03 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

I don't consult XWH on birthday celebrations for the kids.

We are no longer together.

Barring anything illegal, what I do in my home is none of his business and what he does in his home is none of my business.

That goes for birthday parties too.

Me - late 40s
DD(27), DS(24, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

posts: 10094   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2009   ·   location: Here and There
id 6388689
default

newlysingle ( member #38735) posted at 4:10 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

I do not plan on inviting STBX to any birthday parties in the future. He has no friends other than OW and neither of us have family in town. I have a lot of friends and keep up with the school classmates and parents. Everyone I know thinks STBX is a total scumbag too so having him around would just make everyone uncomfortable. He can take them out to dinner or something on one of his days

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

posts: 1273   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 6388778
default

FirstLoveGone ( member #25957) posted at 4:33 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

Ditto to what gabybaby posted.

posts: 1382   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2009
id 6388808
default

ruinedandbroken ( member #29250) posted at 4:39 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

No way! 2 parties for sure.

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 8&11
Married 14 yrs Together 21

posts: 1622   ·   registered: Aug. 6th, 2010
id 6388818
default

Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 4:52 AM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

separate

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 6388833
default

ButterflyGirl ( member #38377) posted at 1:44 PM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

2 parties. Anything else sends the kids the message that there could be hope of reconciliation between you two, IMHO.

^^ This

xBW~ 40
Two DS~ 15 and 11

posts: 3123   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2013   ·   location: Flat Earth
id 6388998
default

dindy ( member #38424) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

Good question. I have been thinking about this and my kids will definitely be having separate birthday parties.

posts: 459   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2013   ·   location: uk
id 6389123
default

MovingUpward ( member #14866) posted at 6:04 PM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

The getting together again issue can be damaging but so is the child feeling that they can't be in the presence of both parents at the same time. My X and I get along quite well and can support our kids. They were 7 when D was filed and at this point in time there aren't thoughts that we will get back together. They seem very healthy with things.

Back to b-day parties, we actually do 3. X's family, my family, and the kids party. X and I both attend and finance the kids parties. There is usually so much going on that it hasn't been uncomfortable.

posts: 54450   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2007
id 6389318
default

lostmommy ( member #33440) posted at 6:28 PM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

XH left a few months before J's first birthday so I've done parties on my own every time. He was invited to J's first birthday, but he pouted the whole time because I wouldn't allow him to bring his GF/OW to a party for our son at my parent's house. The nerve of me!! He wasn't invited last year nor will he be invited this year. If he's so inclined to have a party, he can feel free to do so on his own dime and his own time.

Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

posts: 485   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2011   ·   location: NY
id 6389373
default

Kajem ( member #36134) posted at 7:18 PM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

I have done the separate family parties, That being said,

About 4 years after we D'd I had a sweet 16 party for my eldest. XH/nw and the step sibs were invited. it was not good, the XH/nw and stepsibs kept to themselves...

The kids never again asked to do a joint party.

I was ok with it.

I'll add if you do something like a bowling, skating or pool party.. then I could see both being in attendance. But the smaller home parties.. my home is my sanctuary. I don't want XH or NW in my space.

[This message edited by Kajem at 1:20 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - UnknownRelationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

posts: 6708   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Florida
id 6389426
default

gahurts ( member #33699) posted at 8:05 PM on Thursday, June 27th, 2013

I agree with what Kajem said. xWW and I did a joint party last year at her apartment for DD9. It was awkward and uncomfortable. If you have joint party out somewhere, then it makes sense but if you are doing a party in either of your houses then have separate parties.

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie

posts: 3991   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2011   ·   location: Georgia
id 6389490
default

cmego ( member #30346) posted at 3:49 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

hmmm...maybe I"m odd man out. Or just have a really big asshole ex. He insists on attending anything I have for the kids...parties included. He stomps his feet and blusters if I don't. So, I just suck it up and make it work. I don't have it at my house, we always have the parties at a "location". We split the cost 50/50.

My kids are getting older, so I'm steering toward just having a sleep over to get away from him having to have the constant "huge kid party".

me...BS, 46 years old.
Divorced

posts: 4745   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2010   ·   location: South
id 6390071
default

 dlmos (original poster member #36839) posted at 10:09 AM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

Thanks for the replies everyone, sorry it took a bit to respond. We had both kids parties at Chucky Cheese's, all in all they were fine. Some small talk but no issues. I'd like to move towards her having the "friends" party and me doing the family one as I have a large family local and she does not. Otherwise it will have to be somewhere neutral again.

BH (32)
DS - 7, DD - 6
Divorced

posts: 461   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2012   ·   location: Fort Worth,Texas
id 6390305
default

Undefinabl3 ( member #36883) posted at 3:02 PM on Friday, June 28th, 2013

As a child of divorce, i can tell you that at the time the BEST part of the divorce was the fact that i got Two birthday parties, 2 Thanksgivings, and 2 Christmas's.

All of my friends that have divorced parents felt the same as well.

You would be suprised at how well they will take to the multiple parties.

Me: 35 MH
Him: 41 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.
1/26/15 - Started IC for me, DH won't go.
1/10/18 - Again?!? Online EA's

posts: 2422   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2012
id 6390517
default

Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 5:18 AM on Saturday, June 29th, 2013

Just to add to the sentiments about how this will affect the kids.. I know that there's a concern that your X makes mention of getting back together from time to time and you are trying your best to get a clear message across that that ain't happening.

If she persists, I would imagine that she may use their birthdays as an excuse in the future, and that's yet another good reason to establish separate parties.

It sounds like a good/peaceful time was had by the kiddos, though, and that's great.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6391482
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy