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Newest Member: meepsy (46028)

User Topic: Handling kids birthdays
dlmos
♂ 36839
Member # 36839
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The ex and I had agreed to have joint bday parties for the kids this year to try and keep some normalcy for them, and also it's coming out of my pocket so it makes financial sense. However, next year we will be financially seperated and I wanted to get an idea how everyone else handles these sort of events? I have no desire to spend any time around the ex I dont have to, but it would make also seem to mke sense t have a single party rather than two.

Any thoughts?


BH (32)
DS - 7, DD - 6
Divorced

Posts: 461 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Fort Worth,Texas
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 parties. Anything else sends the kids the message that there could be hope of reconciliation between you two, IMHO.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7865 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Separate.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10137 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sep-a-rate Par-ties.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
roughroadahead
♀ 36060
Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. Two parties. Waffle and I had a "family" party for DD, but that was days after the S. The routine had not yet been established.

For DS7's birthday, per the custody schedule, it was his year for the actual day. His mother was in town, they had a party. I was there very briefly. Then we had another celebration the next weekend with my family. Your kids basically have two separate families now. One with you, one with her. The only thing you need to decide really is who deals with the school friends party if/when that's applicable. DS7 is in an autism class. No one does drop off parties, even at age 7, because no one needs 8-12 kids on the spectrum at their house. For that reason, I deal with that because I know the other moms. He chips in financially for that. Beyond that, separate parties, and the kids see it as some kind of birthday bonanza.


BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't consult XWH on birthday celebrations for the kids.

We are no longer together.
Barring anything illegal, what I do in my home is none of his business and what he does in his home is none of my business.

That goes for birthday parties too.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6737 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
newlysingle
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not plan on inviting STBX to any birthday parties in the future. He has no friends other than OW and neither of us have family in town. I have a lot of friends and keep up with the school classmates and parents. Everyone I know thinks STBX is a total scumbag too so having him around would just make everyone uncomfortable. He can take them out to dinner or something on one of his days


BW - Me (38)
XWH -The Gnat
OW - Hello Kitty the Whore Engaged to the Gnat. I hear the white trash, wedding bells as we speak.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (7), 1 DS (2)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 983 | Registered: Mar 2013
FirstLoveGone
♀ 25957
Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto to what gabybaby posted.

Posts: 1278 | Registered: Oct 2009
ruinedandbroken
♀ 29250
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way! 2 parties for sure.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

separate


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2819 | Registered: Jan 2010
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 parties. Anything else sends the kids the message that there could be hope of reconciliation between you two, IMHO.

^^ This


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
dindy
♀ 38424
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good question. I have been thinking about this and my kids will definitely be having separate birthday parties.

Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
MovingUpward
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The getting together again issue can be damaging but so is the child feeling that they can't be in the presence of both parents at the same time. My X and I get along quite well and can support our kids. They were 7 when D was filed and at this point in time there aren't thoughts that we will get back together. They seem very healthy with things.

Back to b-day parties, we actually do 3. X's family, my family, and the kids party. X and I both attend and finance the kids parties. There is usually so much going on that it hasn't been uncomfortable.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 53323 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
lostmommy
♀ 33440
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH left a few months before J's first birthday so I've done parties on my own every time. He was invited to J's first birthday, but he pouted the whole time because I wouldn't allow him to bring his GF/OW to a party for our son at my parent's house. The nerve of me!! He wasn't invited last year nor will he be invited this year. If he's so inclined to have a party, he can feel free to do so on his own dime and his own time.


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have done the separate family parties, That being said,

About 4 years after we D'd I had a sweet 16 party for my eldest. XH/nw and the step sibs were invited. it was not good, the XH/nw and stepsibs kept to themselves...

The kids never again asked to do a joint party.

I was ok with it.

I'll add if you do something like a bowling, skating or pool party.. then I could see both being in attendance. But the smaller home parties.. my home is my sanctuary. I don't want XH or NW in my space.


[This message edited by Kajem at 1:20 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5742 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
gahurts
♂ 33699
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with what Kajem said. xWW and I did a joint party last year at her apartment for DD9. It was awkward and uncomfortable. If you have joint party out somewhere, then it makes sense but if you are doing a party in either of your houses then have separate parties.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3522 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmmm...maybe I"m odd man out. Or just have a really big asshole ex. He insists on attending anything I have for the kids...parties included. He stomps his feet and blusters if I don't. So, I just suck it up and make it work. I don't have it at my house, we always have the parties at a "location". We split the cost 50/50.

My kids are getting older, so I'm steering toward just having a sleep over to get away from him having to have the constant "huge kid party".


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
dlmos
♂ 36839
Member # 36839
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies everyone, sorry it took a bit to respond. We had both kids parties at Chucky Cheese's, all in all they were fine. Some small talk but no issues. I'd like to move towards her having the "friends" party and me doing the family one as I have a large family local and she does not. Otherwise it will have to be somewhere neutral again.


BH (32)
DS - 7, DD - 6
Divorced

Posts: 461 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Fort Worth,Texas
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a child of divorce, i can tell you that at the time the BEST part of the divorce was the fact that i got Two birthday parties, 2 Thanksgivings, and 2 Christmas's.

All of my friends that have divorced parents felt the same as well.

You would be suprised at how well they will take to the multiple parties.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1831 | Registered: Sep 2012
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just to add to the sentiments about how this will affect the kids.. I know that there's a concern that your X makes mention of getting back together from time to time and you are trying your best to get a clear message across that that ain't happening.

If she persists, I would imagine that she may use their birthdays as an excuse in the future, and that's yet another good reason to establish separate parties.

It sounds like a good/peaceful time was had by the kiddos, though, and that's great.


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18684 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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