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The ex and I had agreed to have joint bday parties for the kids this year to try and keep some normalcy for them, and also it's coming out of my pocket so it makes financial sense. However, next year we will be financially seperated and I wanted to get an idea how everyone else handles these sort of events? I have no desire to spend any time around the ex I dont have to, but it would make also seem to mke sense t have a single party rather than two.

Any thoughts?

2 parties. Anything else sends the kids the message that there could be hope of reconciliation between you two, IMHO.

Separate.

Sep-a-rate Par-ties.

I agree. Two parties. Waffle and I had a "family" party for DD, but that was days after the S. The routine had not yet been established.

For DS7's birthday, per the custody schedule, it was his year for the actual day. His mother was in town, they had a party. I was there very briefly. Then we had another celebration the next weekend with my family. Your kids basically have two separate families now. One with you, one with her. The only thing you need to decide really is who deals with the school friends party if/when that's applicable. DS7 is in an autism class. No one does drop off parties, even at age 7, because no one needs 8-12 kids on the spectrum at their house. For that reason, I deal with that because I know the other moms. He chips in financially for that. Beyond that, separate parties, and the kids see it as some kind of birthday bonanza.

I don't consult XWH on birthday celebrations for the kids.

We are no longer together.
Barring anything illegal, what I do in my home is none of his business and what he does in his home is none of my business.

That goes for birthday parties too.

I do not plan on inviting STBX to any birthday parties in the future. He has no friends other than OW and neither of us have family in town. I have a lot of friends and keep up with the school classmates and parents. Everyone I know thinks STBX is a total scumbag too so having him around would just make everyone uncomfortable. He can take them out to dinner or something on one of his days

Ditto to what gabybaby posted.

No way! 2 parties for sure.

separate

2 parties. Anything else sends the kids the message that there could be hope of reconciliation between you two, IMHO.

^^ This

Good question. I have been thinking about this and my kids will definitely be having separate birthday parties.

The getting together again issue can be damaging but so is the child feeling that they can't be in the presence of both parents at the same time. My X and I get along quite well and can support our kids. They were 7 when D was filed and at this point in time there aren't thoughts that we will get back together. They seem very healthy with things.

Back to b-day parties, we actually do 3. X's family, my family, and the kids party. X and I both attend and finance the kids parties. There is usually so much going on that it hasn't been uncomfortable.

XH left a few months before J's first birthday so I've done parties on my own every time. He was invited to J's first birthday, but he pouted the whole time because I wouldn't allow him to bring his GF/OW to a party for our son at my parent's house. The nerve of me!! He wasn't invited last year nor will he be invited this year. If he's so inclined to have a party, he can feel free to do so on his own dime and his own time.

I have done the separate family parties, That being said,

About 4 years after we D'd I had a sweet 16 party for my eldest. XH/nw and the step sibs were invited. it was not good, the XH/nw and stepsibs kept to themselves...

The kids never again asked to do a joint party.

I was ok with it.

I'll add if you do something like a bowling, skating or pool party.. then I could see both being in attendance. But the smaller home parties.. my home is my sanctuary. I don't want XH or NW in my space.

[This message edited by Kajem at 1:20 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

I agree with what Kajem said. xWW and I did a joint party last year at her apartment for DD9. It was awkward and uncomfortable. If you have joint party out somewhere, then it makes sense but if you are doing a party in either of your houses then have separate parties.

hmmm...maybe I"m odd man out. Or just have a really big asshole ex. He insists on attending anything I have for the kids...parties included. He stomps his feet and blusters if I don't. So, I just suck it up and make it work. I don't have it at my house, we always have the parties at a "location". We split the cost 50/50.

My kids are getting older, so I'm steering toward just having a sleep over to get away from him having to have the constant "huge kid party".

Thanks for the replies everyone, sorry it took a bit to respond. We had both kids parties at Chucky Cheese's, all in all they were fine. Some small talk but no issues. I'd like to move towards her having the "friends" party and me doing the family one as I have a large family local and she does not. Otherwise it will have to be somewhere neutral again.

As a child of divorce, i can tell you that at the time the BEST part of the divorce was the fact that i got Two birthday parties, 2 Thanksgivings, and 2 Christmas's.

All of my friends that have divorced parents felt the same as well.

You would be suprised at how well they will take to the multiple parties.

Just to add to the sentiments about how this will affect the kids.. I know that there's a concern that your X makes mention of getting back together from time to time and you are trying your best to get a clear message across that that ain't happening.

If she persists, I would imagine that she may use their birthdays as an excuse in the future, and that's yet another good reason to establish separate parties.

It sounds like a good/peaceful time was had by the kiddos, though, and that's great.