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shudistayorgo posted 6/26/2013 20:41 PM

We are 3.5 weeks since D-Day. I have only told my closest friend and my sister of WS's A. He hasn't told anyone. Part of it for me is that I never want our children finding out...ever. And the less people who know, the less chance of that happening. But how realistic is it to maintain a "normal" relationship to the outside world?? We have plans to go away for this long weekend (Canada Day) to his best friend's cottage. I think we'll be ok with eachother but I worry about something being said or there being a trigger. It just feels like we're being forced to lie...

avicarswife posted 6/26/2013 21:35 PM

Hi - I think it is a really personal thing and often comes down to personality.

I told some colleagues at work - but mostly because I struggled to function. Family wise - my mum asked me directly at about 6 months, our adult daughter we told at the time and our sons only very recently. None of his family know at over a year out.

Although some people asked us if things were ok - most didn't. It is fine to tell people you are going though a 'rough patch' and nothing else - every marriage goes through those.

1devastedmom posted 6/26/2013 21:59 PM

We also decided that we never want our children to find out. I know some people at church have asked me if we're ok because they can sense something is wrong. My MIL flat out asked me last month if everything was alright. I've told everyone that we're ok just going through a rough patch and to pray for us. The hardest part is hiding from my kids when I start crying from all the pain. My youngest caught me crying last week and wanted to know what was wrong. I told her a friend of mine died and I was really sad (she's 9). I felt horrible lying to her.

brokenhearted76 posted 6/26/2013 22:27 PM

Hugs! And i am so sorry you are going through this. Dday for me was roughly 3 weeks ago. Husband of 7 yrs cheated. And i to am having to hide it. He doesnt want his family to know. And truth is hun, you didnt lie to your daughter. It is like a death, of the secure person we used to be. And we do mourn the loss of who we were. This site, has been my savior the past week. Please read read read and post post post. It helps!

TotallyPerplexed posted 6/26/2013 22:32 PM

I think it is ok to keep it quiet. Whether or not you are staying together/attempting recovery, why involve others who may not understand?
And the kids do not need to know, esp if they are young.
My teen daughter caught me crying/grieving... (I try to limit my grieving to early in the morning before everyone else is up...) I just told her I was moody from PMS. I also hated lying, and I hate keeping it a secret from the kids, but I also would hate for them to know.
It's a tough spot wayward spouses put us in.
So sorry you have to endure this.

Betrayed07 posted 6/27/2013 05:58 AM

I'm struggling with all this hiding, too. I just want to spill my guts to someone and let it all out. Dday for me was only 4 days ago and I have an appointment with IC next week. I'm hoping that gives me some relief.

I think the reason we don't want to tell people is that if they haven't been through this horrible experience, they have NO IDEA what we are going through. I feel like they will automatically hate the WS and think you are crazy for not leaving.

I think avicarswife's advice is great - tell people you are going through a rough patch, thats it. It lessens the "faking" you have to do. I'm going to try that. I'm finding it hard to even go to the store. I told my 6 yr old TWICE yesterday that I stubbed my toe. Going to have to figure out how to explain future grieving sessions.

We are all here with you, unfortunately. :-(

OldCow18 posted 6/27/2013 08:12 AM

D-Day was 2.5 weeks ago for me, I've told my 3 oldest and closest friends and that's it. I will not tell my family unless I decide to end the marriage and I know that is just too soon to decide. My dad would be heartbroken. We haven't had much socializing so far, but worried about people will notice that I've become a hermit. The kids are at camp during the day so I do my crying then or after they go to sleep. The amount of problems our WS's have caused seems limitless, doesn't it? It truly affects every single aspect of our lives. Effers.

Jennifer99 posted 6/27/2013 09:48 AM

I think this is the part that has me near insanity.

My family, my friends, they have been through so much with me, they are the greatest support I am supposed to NOT tell them the thing that has knocked me the lowest?

I have decided to start talking to our non-mutual friends, i.e. my friends. I don't care if he has to some day be faced with their wrath or ridicule because they know, that is his problem.

I nearly decided to tell my family and threaten them with dire consequences if they blabbed around my son but I know this is going to gut my parents (not my siblings, they don't like H anyway) not so much because of D but because they don't handle me being in pain well even though I'm over 40 now. I don't really want to put them through that just yet. I want to be in a VERY good place so they don't see that.

F trying to be "normal", F being fake, its making me bonkers and barfy. He doesn't like being honest about this then he shouldn't have done it.

(disclosure: I would never be able to work in a gov't secret kind of job because holding stuff in instead of getting it out eats me alive)

I have been trying for a year and did pretty well but then something at the 1 year mark just snapped in me.

Good luck to you in trying to work this out.

I can say that in the last year I have learned just how much I can filter what comes out of my mouth, I have learned massive amounts of patience (esp with myself), and I have learned the self-control of a monk. It hasn't been a total waste of time/effort.

Pippy posted 6/27/2013 12:39 PM

I just want to say, within a few weeks after my 3rd birthday, yes 3 years old, I found my mother crying on her bed.

I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't feel good. I still remember thinking to myself, "She thinks I don't understand that she is sad." That was over 60 years ago and I can still see that scene in my mind vividly.

Don't under estimate what your kids understand.

columbus66 posted 6/27/2013 13:22 PM

I am 8 months out from D-Day. I had wonderful therapists who I saw 2-3 times a week, but even talking to them that often wasn't enough to address the depth of this hurt. I had to talk about it, grieve it, over and over again. I found it easier to talk to people I barely knew...I had just relocated to a new area so I was able to find those people. I do agree, though, that you have to be careful who you decide to reveal this to, and family are the hardest. Talk, and post one of my therapists wisely said, "You can't heal it if you can't get it out of your mouth." I am still talking about it A LOT 8 months later.

LA44 posted 6/27/2013 23:13 PM

I will just echo what Jennifer said in a way and that is ...if I had cancer, I would tell my parents. If I ended up in the hosp with chest pains, I would tell my parents. If I hit something or someone w my car, they would know. But the worst time in my life, the biggest trauma in my 44 years...they dont know this. It is an odd feeling.

The only real prob with this is that my 17 year old niece found out (not by me!) and I fear she will blurt it out one day

There are people you WANT to tell (for support) but keep to a min and people you NEED to tell for fear the news reaches them first. I am in the latter place right now. Ugh!

I told my bf, sister and cousin. I TOTALLY regret telling the latter two. It just made everything much more complicated in those early BRUTAL weeks.

womaninflux posted 6/28/2013 09:22 AM

You can't go through this alone. Please don't try to.

Like you, I told only one person and therapist when I first suspected something and then confronted and learned I was right. Then told my brother and SIL. Then my dad. Then slowly other close friends. Obviously, you must be WISE about who you share this info with, but you also need support and people really DO have your back. Plus, people can tell something is off. I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown and dropped out of circulation, which was definitely not in my nature. It was obvious to people who know me well (and even those who only know me on a surface level) that something was really off and that I was under extreme stress. People were concerned, not out to spread gossip.

I told my therapist the other day that I have found support in some of the most unexpected places. Example: the wife of one of WH's long time friends is furious with my H and her H is sticking up for me, told WH he is disappointed in him and that he better have ended things with OW. Obviously you don't want to have a million people involved in your issues, but select influences can help. WH - who obviously wants things to be kept secret because then he isn't judged and doesn't have to face other people thinking he's an asshole - got a reality check. People he respects think he did a really shitty thing. Another example is that a close friend shared with me her own struggle with depression/suicidal thoughts. She hasn't suffered infidelity in her marriage but she definitely said that things aren't perfect and that it's a lot of work. On the outside, they are this wealthy, vibrant couple and on the inside - like everyone else - they have their struggles.

The other aspect of this is the secretive nature of this. As you experienced with the Affair, secrets hurt relationships. You have to ask yourself are you protecting your kids? Or are you protecting him still? Your kids won't find out about this if you are smart about who knows this info because obviously, they have your kids' best interest at heart too.

Bottom line you have to balance keeping things normal and putting up appearances with actually facing up to what is going on and letting a select few trusted people in.

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/28/2013 10:58 AM

So good to read this thread! I've told only my therapist and one friend. She isn't part of my every day life and while we talk on the phone, I don't see her very often and she is not close to any of the other people in my life. It's crazy how much shame I am still dealing with since we are trying to R. I will be in my hometown this weekend and have consciously decided NOT to see the friend I usually connect with just so I won't have to talk about the A.

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 11:00 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

Nest2007 posted 6/28/2013 11:45 AM

Just found this thread and noticed several of you are on a similar timeline - I'm just coming up 3 weeks since DDay, have been married seven years (anniversary 6/26). Have not shared my story on here (have a tendency to waffle) but have found great help in reading. Only told best friend and IC/MC (she's been our counsellor for years individually and as a couple during a period of depression four years ago for both if us). Don't want to tell any other family or friends as WH and I are not splitting up and I don't want to damage their opinion of WH, but sometimes it feels like there's no consequence got his actions y'know?

WeepingBuddhist posted 6/28/2013 11:47 AM

In my case, I don't want my friends to think badly of ME. Sometimes I feel so stupid for letting him stay. I never would have expected that for myself and I certainly KNOW that I have thought poorly of women who did.

Tripletrouble posted 6/28/2013 11:48 AM

I'm about 2 months exactly from d day and only 2 friends and therapists know. It's a special kind of hell to go through alone, but Mr Triple was using a hook up site to find women so it is definitely not something I can share casually. At the advice of our MC we told our teenagers we are struggling in our marriage and getting help. DS16 was not fooled and wanted to drill down. Now he knows dad betrayed mom and I think he can fill in the blanks to a point. We are very social with neighbors but have basically gone into hiding, and my one dear friend stopped me in the street to say she knew something was very wrong. I just started crying and said don't expect to see much of us. They all think Mr Triple hung the moon and I want to scream he is a cheating, lying douche who nuked our family. So I hide instead. Thank heaven for SI, where everyone understands PERFECTLY the agony, madness, stages, and options and there are the experienced to coach and support the new. Hugs, friends.

karmahappens posted 6/28/2013 11:57 AM

I told whoever was in earshot .....initially I thought I would regret it.

I did nothing wrong and had nothing to be ashamed of.

People who know us from pre-A are supportive of the strength and changes we have made.

Anyone who wouldn't be would not be a part of my life. Unfortunately there were a few of those.

I didn't tell my kids, but they found out ...dumb me.

If I were to do it again I would tell them.

There is an enormous lesson to be learned walking through an event as devastating as an A. It rocks a family and to have parents pick themselves up dust themselves off and go through the healing process with strength,courage and dignity(D or R) shows children that you can recover, you can be strong and you better know how to take care of you...


Nest2007 posted 6/28/2013 12:08 PM

Something that's killing me is the isolation. I've always been an open person, never had to keep secrets from my friends but now, it's this elephant in my life and I have to go on pretending I'm fine. We are R and I know his remorse (ONS) is genuine - he's doing everything right as per and article I read in the healing library, but fear and self doubt randomly creep in...

Happydays posted 6/28/2013 12:13 PM

Initially I offered to resolve issues with exW and move on. ExW was adamant on keeping a dual life.
Plus I was dealing with a woman who's father was a an ex cop and exW knew laws for women. She kept lying and lying to her family about me and my supposedly bad behaviour.

I had no choice but to tell everyone to prove her wrong. It helped me as I got valuable inputs from everyone I told. From people who knew how to handle false dv cases, future allegations, police contacts, press , lawyers, strategies etc. in all over 25 people were helping me including neighbours. Everyone was praying and losing their sleep for me.
I will be greatful to them always.

[This message edited by Happydays at 12:15 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

circleoflife posted 6/28/2013 14:42 PM

He told his sister the same lies he was telling me. I have told her some of it, but decided she is not someone I trust enough or whose opinion I respect. I told my brother b/c he is going thru something similar with his wife (or soon ex) and my close friend. I told her b/c she is a family lawyer and I also wanted to know my rights. It's hard to talk to her b/c she wants me to leave and I feel almost embarrassed to stay? I know she'll respect my decision (she may not like it) and I know it's not her life but she really is a very dear friend to me and maybe she has a point about my situation.

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