(since my therapist thinks it adds to the why)
For the last several years we've been struggling & I'll give the long explanation as maybe someone can help me understand...
When we married 5 years ago, he didn't disclose his house was upside down, I only found out when papers were served and I tried to liquidate what I had to save it. He allowed me to do so without explaining it was not savable. Clearly I was naive but I trusted his knowledge, he was a mortagage consultant. He had been out of work approx a year but finally found a job as the final papers were served & we lost the house.
We had to move quickly and with kids. A few months later he had a major health scare. Again hitting money problems and arguments to with it.
The same issues continue...I'm ignored, neglected and only told I nag too much. I've tried looking sexy for date nites & all that. We argue & argue. Nothing. I asked playfully, hey could we curfew our electronic devices at night so we can be together? He said it was a good idea. Never happened.
Friday morning I bought us tickets for an event for a date in Sept, a favorite of his, I was excited. I had been texting my husband and asking where he was, no answer.Friday night he came so late I was asleep. Saturday I was angry, he showed no interest, nothing. Saturday night I took his phone at 2am...I was shaking & crying as I read texts messages very hidden with a password in his phone. He's in management & they were from an employee. Pictures of her a** and him texting "keep them coming"...he had dinner with her Friday night. They had met up together & at that point I called her while reading the texts. I couldn't handle it. I had to tell her she ruined not just my marriage but affected my son's future.
He found me outside on his phone with her. We fought, I kicked him out, but not really - he was going on a business trip anyway. I haven't been able to sleep or eat for the last 3 days. He's worried about me getting him fired. I tell him that's his own fault - she could have done that anyway if she filed sexual harrassment if their "relationship" didn't work out. He swears he hasn't touched her but he sent her photos of his hotel room on Thursday night. No invitation to join but them again that text could've been deleted...he said it had only been going on for weeks. I just can't believe him.
The thing is I love him. I told him this is divorce but I want him to fight for me back. He seems more worried about his job though. I feel like an idiot and need to pack my bags before he returns but all I can do is sit here & cry.
Has anyone been through anything like this?
[This message edited by Broken62313 at 9:01 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]
Right now my head is telling me I'm an idiot to stay with a man who would put his job & family on the line like this. He blames me for risking his job yet the moment they started flirting "oh you're hot" "keep them coming" is the moment I believe he risked everything. In addition, there is a 15 year difference between them - he is in his late 40's while she is in her early 30's...she has no children. My brain says if he can't be mature at this age & not risk his job after all we've been through then when will he learn?
I want to move out now, I have no credit, no savings, no family & a son to take into account. I drained all my resources from all the other things that went wrong.
On the other hand my heart still feels so much love and I feel like I could change to make him want me. Just typing that sounds pathetic but he won't say he wants a divorce but then he won't say anything except he "feels sick or disgusted with himself" the last 3 days. That doesn't seem like enough, I feel like he's a coward & afraid to tell me we are over because I'm the one home with his belongings...funny though he took his small valuables with him.
I just saw my counselor & it didn't help :( I had been working on my PTSD from a rape over 20 years ago. I've really been trying to pull my own head together. My husband had been not functioning in the bedroom and it brought out my PTSD (I couldn't talk to him about it since he wouldn't even discuss why he couldn't stay aroused for me). Now I don't now if it was his health issues, that I know are real, or if he was just no longer attracted to me. He swears that wasn't it but I think he's just afraid I'll leave with his golf clubs & whatever else I can find. My struggle right now is not calling his boss or "her" at work. I know it seems childish to out him at his job but if I'm to move my son into a 700 sq ft apt in a bad neighborhood to survive from here on out, the least he can do is start over too. He abused his authority as a boss to court a lower employee :( She would've called him out in the end anyway. (even worse, that's how I met my husband 12 years ago, he was my boss)
But then I sit here missing him. Even when we'd fight, I loved him. I would've fought for him. I want to be with him. I feel like an idiot :(
Right after finding out everything is so up in the air emotionally. Remember you don't have to make any decision right away. Take your time.
The yellow box at the top left of your screen has a link to the healing library. There is a wealth of helpful information in look through there - have a poke around.
As for him worrying about getting fired - it is called consequences.
I haven't experienced my husband sexting - but there are others around here who have.
We all have our own experiences - but in the end cheating is cheating and being betrayed in any form is agonisingly painful for all of us.
Lots of hugs - hang in there Broken62313. Keep posting.
Like avicar said, you don't have to make any decisions right now. Feel your feelings, let them flow. Read the Healing Library here. It is in the yellow box at the upper right hand of your screen.
You are in shock. Your mind and body don't know what has hit them, nor do they know how to respond. You'll feel crazy and confused for a while. Keep posting and reading here. You are not alone. We all know how you feel, even if we didn't come here for the same details. My H didn't sext, but he talked on the phone for hours on end with MOW and told her his M was over and he wanted to M her! Now he has his brain back, but I can't get his unstable behavior out of my mind.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself. We're here for you.
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley
My emotions still raw.
He still keeps saying he "feels sick to his stomach" but I keep being the dummy that calls or texts him. I asked him why he is not checking on me or attempting any contact. He says he is afraid of me since I threw & broke items at 4:30am the night when I found out. He says my anger issues prevent him from sharing his feelings.
Now I feel guilty & that I drove him to doing this in the first place.
He has been 5 hours away at work since Sunday when I threw him out. I asked him to return tonight to get any items he needs until I find a place - I do not want him seeing my son & tonite is the only nite I can make it work, also I want to say goodbye. I need closure. I took tomorrow off from work to cry so I can go back to work Saturday.
Thing is he just texted he can't make it. He insists he cannot leave work as he is the only responsible manager at a location right now. I calmly said it is unfair to drag out the goodbye & exchange of items. I understand his job is important but I need closure & to know he won't be around while I move out. I get his job is important but if he hadn't sexted with a co-worker in the 1st place I wouldn't be inconviencing his job. It is he who made the decision that put him here. I'm trying to be strong & stick to him getting here tonite. He is upset it is a 5 hour drive here then back to his work the same nite. It seems only fair. Am I nuts? Why should I let him drag it out? He can't even text or call because he's afraid of my reactions? :(
YOU are not the reason why he cheated. He sounds like he's never really been all in on this relationship, lying to you about his home going into foreclosure and letting you drain your savings to save it when it's not saveable, letting you drain your life savings to help him with medical issues, telling you it's all because you nag too much, showing no interest in the fact that he didn't come home until after you were in bed at night. He's not really a part of this relationship, he's just there and letting you clean up after him, which translates to he's been using you for a very long time.
Listen, I understand how easy it is to fall in love with someone and want to fix them. The problem is, you CAN'T fix people. They have to change because they want to, not because you want them to. You can't make him be different, you can't make him be healthy, and it's not your job to try. He sounds like a very screwed up guy, and that's probably why you picked him... so you could fix him. But you can't.
You deserve so much better, and so does your son!
He did this, he is the broken one, and if he loses his job it is on him and the decisions he made. My H also put his job in jeopardy. I have a hard time with that even now. The issue is they never believe they are going to get caught. When they do...they are shocked and surprised at the reactions and try to blame others. That is normal and typical for the wayward individual to behave.
Take things at your own time. You do not need to make decisions right now. That is the good thing. You may be rushing due to your pain and wanting out. You do have another option and that is putting his things outside. He can get them when he gets back.
Take care of yourself right now. Eat, drink and get some rest. We are here for you.
So sorry you're here. Many of us have been in your shoes. This may sound direct but here's my take:
- pissed you found out
- pissed you dared talk to her ("how embarrassing for him")
- not over her
- likely still in contact and hanging out at work for "one last goodbye" or "until we meet again when I'm through my shit" kind of meeting
- younger woman has blown up his ego so big he cannot remove his head from his ass
- you are second choice but wants to still keep you around "in case"
-unremorseful and blaming you.
- a taker not a giver
- a bully
Pretty nasty when you take it at face value (like I am). Well, whack him off the fence. File D - you can always stop it. Don't even tell him, just do it. Shock him into understanding that you will not tolerate anything but his commitment to:
Work on him, on marriage
If kicking him off the fence breaks his fog, make sure he DOES the things above not just SAY them. Give it a while to see how serious he is before you commit.
It's a long road but as you can see in the R forum, it can work out for some. But I think most of those that are successful couldn't do it without these requirements. Find your inner strength even when it's been battered, shit on and thrown aside for a picture of her ass.
You'll be OK and survive no matter what
[This message edited by Markone at 11:42 AM, June 28th (Friday)]