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allingoodtime posted 6/26/2013 21:40 PM

[This message edited by allingoodtime at 10:35 PM, June 28th (Friday)]

avicarswife posted 6/26/2013 22:12 PM

I am so sorry! I can't imagine having 2 people betray you!

I think constantly it seems about his infidelity, almost to the point I feel like I'm drowning.

I think all betrayed spouses can relate to that. It is normal - and your d-day (discovery day) has just occurred. It is also hard when you have had to take on the role of care-taker to your wayward husband.

Have you checked out the healing library? (Yellow box at the top).

Is your husband going to counselling? What about you? When my WH's affairs came out his chronic depression tanked and he too became suicidal. I have found IC really helpful as focuses on me and my needs for healing.

There is a great book - very short read called "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. I think both of you would find it helpful.

Also "Not just friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. You picked up on the clues that your husband was emotionally involved with this woman before the physical affair started - this book talks about those inappropriate boundaries that many are unaware of.

Anyway welcome to SI - I am sorry for what has brought you here - but it is a great place to receive support from others in same boat!

Make sure you remember to take care of yourself as well!

PhantomLimb posted 6/26/2013 22:32 PM

You say that you put your own feelings on hold after DDay. I do hope you have access to IC to help you start to tease out where you truly stand in all of this and to give you the foundation to make good decisions going forward.

What is it about new jobs, new people and new locations that make some WS just lose their minds?

woundedby2 posted 6/27/2013 00:55 AM


I'm terribly sorry about the circumstances which have brought you here, but I'm glad you've found us.

Double betrayal is a horribly painful thing. There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum which deals with Double Betrayals - you might find that to be of interest.

Keep reading and posting here. You are not alone. We've got your back.

momentintime posted 6/27/2013 01:15 AM

I am so sorry you have joined our club. Don't let your WS sweep this under the rug. He needs to own his behavior and through his actions show you how he is going to address fixing your M.

He has work to do, on himself, your marriage, and figuring out how he could betray you with your close friend. He may take the whole responsibility for the A, (make sure he isn't protecting her), or he may blame her for it all (classic denial, and blaming others for his mistakes). Which ever don't turn yourself inside out to make him feel comfortable.

He needs to earn his way back and show you that you can trust him. This all takes TIME. Don't rush, decide what you need, is this a dealbreaker, if not what do you need from him to heal. Spell it out and then let him figure out how he will accomplish meeting your needs.

allingoodtime posted 6/27/2013 07:55 AM

Thank you to each and every one of you. I appreciate each of your comments and support.

PhantomLimb, I have no idea what makes them lose their minds. I wish I did. I wish I could just understand even a part of all this mess.

WoundedOpus posted 6/27/2013 08:13 AM

(((allingoodtime))) I'm so very sorry you're here and in this situation. A's are so damn hard, but a double betrayal with a friend is awful.

avicarswife is correct, those are two very excellent books to read, I refer back to them constantly.

Please get into IC as soon as you can. While I understand your desire to make sure your children's father isn't homeless, you really need to focus on yourself and your needs as much as you can!

A lot of great posts have been bumped up recently in Just Found Out (first and second page), the posts with the bullseye on them...start there.

Keep reading and posting, you are not alone!

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