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3 yr since dday and not sure he's remorseful

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strong97 posted 6/26/2013 22:09 PM

It's been three years since I found out about my H's A with a coworker. He has changed his behavior towards our M by making it a priority, however there has not been any high risk changes by him I feel. He has said he's sorry, that it was probably the biggest mistake he's made but sometimes when we talk about things he blame shifts and I can tell he is unhappy when I bring the A up. He said the affair happened because he needed an escape (we were living with his parents at the time)and I didn't make things easier by complaining to him.
Since dday, he has tried to be a loving and attentive husband. While that is great, I feel like he should have been all along. To me he hasn't done anything extraordinary to prove he wants to be a better husband and to make me feel safer in the marriage. Has anyone had a post-nuptial agreement done? I don't think renewing vows would do it since he broke them already.
He has said he regrets what he did, but I wonder if it is he regrets that I found out about it or he regrets how devastating this has been for me.

LadyYoga posted 6/27/2013 06:40 AM

My husband is the same way. He is regretful not remorseful. Very hard to heal. Not sure I ever will. I just keep on going. And it sucks. I'm going with the "fake it til you make " plan.

Clarrissa posted 6/27/2013 18:56 PM

WS here. IMO, he doesn't get what he did to you. The damage he caused. I think he regrets he got caught, not that he did so much damage to you and the M. My A was, without a doubt, THE biggest mistake of my life. No "probably" about it.

Your WH is still blameshifting. Not a good sign. That means he hasn't taken ownership of his choice to cheat. All the "I'm sorry"s in the world don't mean sh** unless his actions back it up. And I'm not talking surface actions. Long term, consistent actions that *show* you he's truly sorry. He should also be willing to talk about the A whenever *you need to* talk about it, regardless of when. There were many nights/mornings my H and I were awake at 2 or 3 in the morning because he needed to talk about it. This despite my having to get up early for work.

Bottom line is your WH is not remorseful, he's regretful and that isn't good enough for R to work. He may be a "better husband" now but how long is it going to last?

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 7:10 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

kiki1 posted 6/28/2013 07:14 AM

(((strong))) I'm in the same boat as yourself. Spent the morning crying d/t finally having to accept the fact that the only disposable thing in my h's life is me. I compromised on conditions of R and now am paying for it. He has done some things, but like you, i feel they are surface items, nothing solid. He isnt even willing to give up the car he had his first skank in(while driving it prior, I was yelled at twice by OW1 and another time by who knows what? I refuse to be seen in it), let alone the job where he accessed the two whores. Still drinks.

How is it possible that he could give me up, our kids, the life we had all for two pigs, but i'm not worth any sacrificing from him? It makes me feel as if i have less value than a slut who would make herself available to a married man. I'm worth no great change I'm only expected to give it. Hard truths when i was hoping it would change. well, i remember a quote of Oprah Winfrey's I read once: "dont let someone beat you over the head with who they really are".
Its painful for me to admit i've done just that. Dont know where to start detaching from him. I hate this bullshit. Well, i guess I've done all i can now. Make it a great day Strong, you and I both deserve it. Hugs

sadandtrying posted 6/28/2013 10:29 AM

IMO if you're not sure he's remorseful, than he just isn't remorseful enough...

I'm 5 years from fws's remorsefulness has come bit by bit by bit as he's seen the life, day by day, that he was willing to give up by choosing to have an A.

It's been a long and hard way for us to reconcile. There are times when I wish I had left him in the beginning so he would have "bottomed out" instead of having the more comfortable ride he had, but unfortunately I can't go back and have a do-over.

For me, I would have been sure of my H's remorse earlier on if he had done something that I knew was clearly out of his comfort zone, for me, for us - something that was clearly stretching him to go above and beyond where he would usually go... that I could say "wow" about...but the remorse has been slow and steady instead.

I think one of the results for me in this "slow remorse" path is that I feel a little more distance from him than I might have otherwise.

kiki1 posted 6/28/2013 18:53 PM

Thank you for putting the fact that it can be a choppy progress so nicely. I really needed that perspective today myself.

It is certainly a harder way to have to r and I completely relate to your last sentence

jo2love posted 6/28/2013 20:05 PM

kiki1 -

When posting, please remember to follow the guidelines of each forum.

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.Thank you.

kiki1 posted 6/29/2013 07:16 AM

My apologies

confused615 posted 6/29/2013 09:05 AM



Well ladies,it sounds like we all have WH's who are regretful...but not remorseful...two totally different things.

Is he transparent? Do you have access to all of his accounts and cell? Will he talk about it and answer your questions? Im almost 3 years out..he talked very little the first few months..and since then every time I try to discuss it..or anything negative..he gets loud,defensive,blameshifts,and bullys me into backing down.

He told me the other night to "get the fuck over it already."

I've started to shut down..Im trying to detach. I've told him his refusal to do the most basic things will be the end of us. I need to see him fighting for me,for the marriage. And he is being a "good husband" now..and waiting for time to make things better..for him. For me? HA!

strong97 posted 6/29/2013 12:21 PM

Thanks to all for sharing your stories and/or helpful advice, and hugs right back at you.
My H has been pretty transparent, I really don't think there has been contact with AP since dday. It's just hard to talk to him about the A because of his reaction to me asking questions.
I just purchased the books, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair and when it comes in the mail I plan on giving this to him. I think he will read it and I'm hoping it will help him to figure out why the A took place in the first place. I also purchased Getting Past the Affair for me. I've read and so has he, Not Just Friends, which he seemed to get the point of boundries with the opposite sex.
I have times when I focus on improving myself and feel pretty good but I have times where I think a lot about the affair and all the bad feelings that came along with it. Especially around dday anniversary earlier this month.

kiki1 posted 7/1/2013 11:52 AM

ahhh, confused. ((())) they can say such mean things to us. Sometimes my h will talk, sometimes not. i've mainly given up. He had his phone on the contract, but we got into an arguement one night and broke each others phones (I know, childish) and now it is not. I didnt ask again. He could easily delete anything, plus use the phone at work if he had too. I have access to his account if i want, plus he has been givng me money to put away, he never did that before. Sometimes, its hard to figure. Our marriage was so broken at the time of his affairs, i sometimes have to remind myself it will take a bit to fix it. It wont happen quickly. Certainly not as quickly as i like.

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