Your WH is still blameshifting. Not a good sign. That means he hasn't taken ownership of his choice to cheat. All the "I'm sorry"s in the world don't mean sh** unless his actions back it up. And I'm not talking surface actions. Long term, consistent actions that *show* you he's truly sorry. He should also be willing to talk about the A whenever *you need to* talk about it, regardless of when. There were many nights/mornings my H and I were awake at 2 or 3 in the morning because he needed to talk about it. This despite my having to get up early for work.
Bottom line is your WH is not remorseful, he's regretful and that isn't good enough for R to work. He may be a "better husband" now but how long is it going to last?
[This message edited by Clarrissa at 7:10 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
How is it possible that he could give me up, our kids, the life we had all for two pigs, but i'm not worth any sacrificing from him? It makes me feel as if i have less value than a slut who would make herself available to a married man. I'm worth no great change I'm only expected to give it. Hard truths when i was hoping it would change. well, i remember a quote of Oprah Winfrey's I read once: "dont let someone beat you over the head with who they really are".
Its painful for me to admit i've done just that. Dont know where to start detaching from him. I hate this bullshit. Well, i guess I've done all i can now. Make it a great day Strong, you and I both deserve it. Hugs
I'm 5 years from dday.......my fws's remorsefulness has come bit by bit by bit as he's seen the life, day by day, that he was willing to give up by choosing to have an A.
It's been a long and hard way for us to reconcile. There are times when I wish I had left him in the beginning so he would have "bottomed out" instead of having the more comfortable ride he had, but unfortunately I can't go back and have a do-over.
For me, I would have been sure of my H's remorse earlier on if he had done something that I knew was clearly out of his comfort zone, for me, for us - something that was clearly stretching him to go above and beyond where he would usually go... that I could say "wow" about...but the remorse has been slow and steady instead.
I think one of the results for me in this "slow remorse" path is that I feel a little more distance from him than I might have otherwise.
It is certainly a harder way to have to r and I completely relate to your last sentence
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A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories and triggers while trying to reconcile.It's a long road, but you can do it! There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.Thank you.
Well ladies,it sounds like we all have WH's who are regretful...but not remorseful...two totally different things.
Is he transparent? Do you have access to all of his accounts and cell? Will he talk about it and answer your questions? Im almost 3 years out..he talked very little the first few months..and since then every time I try to discuss it..or anything negative..he gets loud,defensive,blameshifts,and bullys me into backing down.
He told me the other night to "get the fuck over it already."
I've started to shut down..Im trying to detach. I've told him his refusal to do the most basic things will be the end of us. I need to see him fighting for me,for the marriage. And he is being a "good husband" now..and waiting for time to make things better..for him. For me? HA!
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.