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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Update/Son/Court
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
What?  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those of you who don't know….

My son has an issue with drugs. Huge pot smoker. Got into trouble about 5 years ago….was arrested and on probation for the last 5 years.

About 1.5 years ago he got into an accident, DUI. Broken bones in his back, slight brain bleed….very frightening.

Back to court.

All of this has been wearing on me/us for the last 5 years. He works, gets fired, quits, has no money, doesn't pay his bills…really lousy, unacceptable behavior.

We finally threw him out in February. It was the hardest thing we have ever done, and it was long over-due.

He has burned all of his bridges, no longer has friends to take him in so he sleeps in his car or at his girlfriends when they are getting along.

Fast forward, girlfriend now pregnant and court has been looming over his head. He had to pay up or go to jail.

My husband and I have held firm. He gets nothing from us. Emotional support if he ever wanted it and a meal if he is hungry, but no money.

So he goes to court today. He has a new job, has money for court and has a little glimmer of hope in him. It's a small step…a tiny step, but I will take it.

I have been overwhelmed lately with all of his bad decisions. I worry I will have the cops at my house telling me he dead…it's my biggest fear.

He and his girlfriend have come to a comfortable place with the baby coming, maybe he has accepted it or something has clicked….I don't know, but for now, I will take it.They have picked out a name and he is actually talking about her (it’s a girl) in a loving way.

I will still worry and watch for actions, not words. Tonight however, I will sleep well. Maybe, just maybe there is a man inside ready to step up.

I pray he is on the edge of finding his way.

I wanted to thank everyone for their support during this lousy time. As much as we know we are doing "what's right" for him, it has been the most difficult time in our parenting lives.

And a special Thank You to AN. Your shoulder, support, BTDT have been a great comfort for me over the last few months.

Thank you.

ETA: And of course, we have to be in court today when the police bring Hernandez in....what a cluster f***.....CNN, Fox News, you name it....all over the place. It made me sad to know this million dollar football player is a year YOUNGER than my son....his parents have to be heart-broken. UGH

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:20 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's encouraging, karma. Sleep well - you've earned it.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26198 | Registered: Aug 2011
rollercoaster80
♀ 23412
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not been on this site for months now.....and this is the first topic I read. My son is also having issues with drugs. he has been in and out of rehab since the age of 16. He is now 21. I have thrown him out of the house. He has stayed in empty sheds and the streets at times. He has stolen from us and has told many lies. We have taken him in when he has asked for help and was attempting to get clean....but he always went back to it. Well the end of last year he was arrested for stealing. We let him sit in jail for awhile. He was placed in drug court and although we asked the judge to put him in an inpatient facility, they put him on outpatient drug court and we agreed to let him stay at home with the knowledge that we could send him back to jail if things did not go well. So far, he has been clean. He gets drug tested and must go to meetings and counseling. he has looked for work but has had no luck. So now he is looking to do some volunteer work so he can begin paying back in community hours some of his court fees. Hopefully, he will find a job because he also needs to pay restitution to the merchant. Hopefully court goes well for your son and whatever the judge decides will be a wake up call. I know my son is not out of the woods. But I do see him becoming a little more responsible and he does not want to go back to the life he was leading. You are doing the right thing. You can only change yourself and he is an adult(even though he will always be your little boy) so it is important to let him live as an adult.....It is so hard to stand back and watch the destruction. I say a prayer for you and your son.


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma,

I'm so happy to read a positive update. Glimmers of hope keep us going. We will always see the light in our sons because we know it's inside them somewhere.

My brother recently sent me a picture of my DS with my 5 year old niece playing the guitar side by side. I enlarged it and framed it because I see so much love and hope in it.

Hugs to you and lots of prayers for your son.

I really wish 'we' (not sure who 'we' is) could get a handle on this drug problem for our young people (seems to be mostly boys). My heart breaks for all of the families affected by this terrible problem. I don't think it's going away any time soon.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38704 | Registered: Sep 2007
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi karma,

I'm happy to hear there's a glimmer of hope. I sincerely hope that all of this will wake him up and straighten out his act. Maybe his baby girl will be that catalyst.

Sending you tons of (((HUGS))) and positive thoughts.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks NIK, AN and SD. It's been a long couple of months, but I am really hoping we are turning a corner.

AN, I agree with you. I see so many young men that are not in a position to take on the role of adulthood and using substances seem to be a common thread. Something is going to have to give. I pray that our kids continue on the right path and make lives they can be proud of and happy to live.


Rollercoaster, I know the pain and fears along with the "tough love". As much as they are our babies we need to let them become their own men/adults. I will keep your son in my prayers and hope he continues to make strides with his recovery.

We all deserve to watch our kids become healthy, well adjusted adults.

YAY for baby steps

((((US))))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rollercoaster80
♀ 23412
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your prayers Karma. Hopefully this time he will make it. He is taking some responsibility this time and really seems to want to get it right. It is very hard and as his brother once told me he did not want him to hit rock bottom because that would probably mean dead. This disease effects everyone in the family. You are right AN as parents we will always see the light in them.....no matter how deep down it may be buried.I will pray for your family as well. Thanks


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma,

How did it go in court? How's DS doing?

(Not sure if I missed that update, I've been busy with family stuff)


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38704 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Rollercoaster :)

AN, court was actually the best it has ever been. He went in owing 3600$. He managed to save 800$ and prayed they wouldn’t throw his a$$ in jail. The 3600 is 1200 for remaining restitution for the DUI (his friend sued him) and the other 2400 is remaining court fees/probation fees.

So they accepted the 800 and told him if he pays the additional 400 it will complete his restitution and they will waive any remaining court fees…

YAHOOO. I was thrilled. He was relieved. It is actually the 1st piece of good news he has gotten through this whole ordeal.

So he is still working, he and his gf are getting along well and he is taking baby steps.

I will still hold my breathe, but I have a glimmer of hope AN, I know he is still in there, I just pray he continues to find himself.

Thanks for asking :)


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great news!


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38704 | Registered: Sep 2007
sad12008
♀ 18179
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good news, karmahappens! I hope things will improve for your son and your family!


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3900 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
rollercoaster80
♀ 23412
Member # 23412
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW I am so glad things went well in court. He is taking responsibility by working and paying restitution and consequences for his actions. This is the first step. I know it may sound harsh but I was actually relieved when my son was arrested. He needed a wake up call and the best part was I had nothing to do with it.It was of his own making. My son is still struggling with responsibility but he too has to make restitution via the courts as well as community service. Good luck to you and your son. Gosh, there are too many parents dealing with this problem.Tough love is sure tough.


me 55 fbw
him 67 FWH/SA
married 32 years
together 31 years my whole adult life!
4 s, 1 stepd, 2 grand kids

multiple A's, 2 LTA's,multiple indescretions...before and throughout our marriage


Posts: 1047 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: sarasota, fl
rainagain
♀ 14917
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, June 29th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma,

I'm so glad for your son and for you. It sounds like a step forward, and a step should not to be minimized by how big or little it is - forward is forward.

Just wanted to let you know that I get what you're saying, have been there in somewhat the same fashion with oldest DS. He is doing so well right now, but the worries and fear never go away for me, although I have gotten so much better at dealing with it for now.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1299 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The worries never do end. I just have to have faith that somewhere inside sits the young man we raised. I know there is love, appreciation and respect buried inside of him. He just needs to tap into it and begin to remember his goodness and how loved he is by so many.

He seems to have begun to scratch the surface, I pray he can dig deep. It's in there, I know it is.

Thanks everyone. Going through this with him is difficult when your "support" system has a messed-up definition of support. We are working on detaching and setting up a strong circle for DS, his girlfriend and this baby who will be blessing our lives.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been following your story, I am so glad to see a glimmer of hope reveal itself by action on his part. And I am sitting here smiling that the court saw his action and helped him just a bit by reducing the court costs.

And when is this little blessing due?

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5550 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 30th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Kajem!

The validation he received from the judge was huge IMO. Someone other than his parents said "you can do this".

He has 2 months left of this probation...after 5 years it will be a welcome relief! He needed to hear "you done good" and I think it made him a bit proud of himself.

Our little baby girl is due October 28th. This might not be the right time or the best circumstances, but she is already so loved. I just smile when I picture what she will look like.

Thank you for the support. I appreciate your kind words.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 16

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