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vent: my self esteem is rock bottom

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brokenhearted76 posted 6/27/2013 00:04 AM

Ugh! I know hubbys affair wasnt my fault. And i know i am not to blame for his mistakes. I am blaming him for my complete lack of self esteem right now. But no one but you guys know how i am feeling. I wont dare tell him. But, heres my story. I am a 36 yr old mom of 2. I am a bit short. I have lost almost 100 pounds in a year..down to 180. Yay me! My weight has always made me feel i wasnt good enough. Also, several yrs ago i had to have all my teeth cut out due to cancer in my jaw. Cancer free now! Yay me! But i cant wear dentures as so much of the upper gums had to be removed. I look normal :) just no teeth, so i always feel ugly. I also deal with fibromyalgia. And right now i hate my "wh" but i do still love him. He has been constantly calling or texting me tonight telling me hes sorry, calling me beautiful. When just a few hours ago i mentioned his affair and he said "its in the past can we start moving on" ! He just cheated a month ago! I just found out 3 weeks ago! Then found this site a week ago, and havent left! Couldnt do it with out yoou all!!

Jrazz posted 6/27/2013 00:22 AM


Many of those who have made progress through the pain made big strides when they learned how to build self esteem from within.

You've been through so much - you sound like an amazing person with a lot to give. Cut yourself slack for feeling down now - the pain is so fresh. You can build yourself back up in time, but you get to grieve for a while.

You said it yourself, this isn't about YOU. It's about him and his brokenness. YOU are beautiful.

tushnurse posted 6/27/2013 09:16 AM

This is one of the side effects of the A. Nice isn't it? The bad news is your self esteem is destroyed. The good news is when you recover from this, and rebuild your self esteem you will do it from within, you will get stronger, and you will know that from now on it is yours and no matter what anyone else does, they can't change it.
So lets look at the positives.....
You are an awesome mother of 2 very lucky kids.

You are doing a great job on improving your overall health and appearance. 100 pounds is a GREAT accomplishement, and anyone with weight issues will admire your efforts and success.

You are a cancer SURVIVOR - Wow. Oral cancer is nasty business and to get through it, and ge Cancer Free is quite an accomplishment.

I am willing to bet that you are a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teemmate, a mentor, a teacher, a strong beautiful woman. (Beauty is not an outward appearance, but from the glow of goodness from within ones self).

You will get through this, with or without him. You will be stronger, and more beautiful than you are now. You will also have the experience of this that will allow you to not give a good GD what anyone else thinks. You will be happy with who you are, and if not use the power you have to change it.

(((and strength))))

Jennifer99 posted 6/27/2013 09:39 AM

I can understand how you feel.

I've been battling health issues that affect my physical appearance very much. I think that was one of the hardest things about WH's EA - it made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

I cried at IC the other day when I said "Dammit, I always thought I should just be happy I'm surviving, not worrying about not looking like someone on (XXX)."

I've come to realize that if he doesn't think I'm pretty enough when he is probably the ONLY person who knows ALL my health things I've survived and been through then he can kiss my ass because that is just loser.

I have to say please be careful to take care of you. It was so easy to get lost these last few months into self-pity, self-hate...I regret the lost time. Do things that make you feel wonderful. I'm jealous of your 100 pounds!

If you start to feel too low, reach out, get some help, here at SI or IC or trusted family or friend. This is such an isolating problem that I think people with normal coping skills and support systems get bushwacked because they can't turn to those normal systems.

Hugs to you.

brokenhearted76 posted 6/27/2013 12:39 PM

Thank you all so much. I didnt know if feeling this way was part of the normal roller coaster ride. It helps to know. Its sad that we are all having to go through this.

Pippy posted 6/27/2013 12:51 PM

I am so pleased that you are CANCER FREE!!! It's a shame you had to go through that to lose weight and now you are not in a place to enjoy it, thanks to him.

Part of R is showing remorse and he is failing miserably, contributing to your lack of self esteem. Subconsciously it hurts to think he isn't sorry he devastated you.

I advise you to read about the 180 in the Healing Library under BS FAQs #11. It is for helping you to get stronger and when you do.....LOOK OUT WORLD!

brokenhearted76 posted 6/27/2013 13:35 PM

Being cancer free is a big deal to me. I was given 2 choices back then, either let them operate, remove the teeth and some bone and rebuild the bone. Get to see my kids grow up and live. Or keep the teeth for vanity reasons and be dead in a yr when the cancer wouldve spread to my brain and more. I chose plan a!! 4 drastic surgeries later, cancer is gone. I look "normal" on the outside. Cosmetically they did great! Just no teeth, so i hate to smile, that leads to questions, and sometimes people dont ask they just say hurtful things. Dentures are a no go, to much pain and not enough comfort. Insurance wont pay for implants. But at least the cancer is gone. The weightloss is actually seperate. Lol i eat more now than i did before the cancer. Just more active with the kids because i relish every minute. So the weight came off. And the more i lost the better i felt. The fibromyalgia is a real pain, but i deal.
And then this has to happen. Fun fun. I know i will get through it, same as i have everything. One day at a time.

tushnurse posted 6/27/2013 13:48 PM

The weight loss helps with the Fibromyalgia pain too. Being active is great for the Fibro as well.

You should be proud. Big deal you don't have teeth. At least you have a face, and don't have a trach. In the old days you would have been left with horrible scars, and radiation burns. No teeth, no jaw, and a trach.
So in the grand scheme of things you are doing quite well. Have you loooked into any make a wish, or giving back programs for implants? Dental surgery schools, and Oral Surgery programs will sometimes offer procedures at steeply discounted rates so the students can learn. They are overseen with their care so they don't mess up.
Just a thought.
My H and his brother had their orthodontia done this way.

brokensunflower posted 6/27/2013 13:53 PM

im right there with you my husbsnds EA was 8/9 months ago I still don't feel beautiful or anything like that he says to me .. hell im lucky if I get sex once a wk.. but even then im hesistant
hugs to you stay strong

brokenhearted76 posted 6/27/2013 14:15 PM

Thank you all for being here for me when no one else is. I have checked into some local programs, waiting to hear back. And i am quite lucky. No outward visible scars at all. All internal done through the mouth. So several scars on the inside, but outwardly all is normal. Jawbone is more plastic and metal, but you cant tell. Im slowly climbing this horror mountain.

Ladyogilvy posted 6/27/2013 14:21 PM

It does not matter what you look like. It really doesn't. It is all about an attitude of confidence and loving people. I know that I am, objectively speaking, by popular magazine standards, a very attractive woman even at nearly 49yo. That does not keep me from feeling old, tired, haggard, lumpy, frumpy and unattractive. Beauty really does come from within but what I have coming from within is depression, anger, loss of faith in humanity, distrust, anxiety, pain, impatience, irritability, rage... Not attractive at all.

It's hard to flaunt an attitude of confidence and love for all mankind when the one person we should have been able to trust treats us like garbage. But... that is the goal and someday, with them or without them, we can get there. Today, I'm thinking it would be easier to get there without them but I'm in a particularly bad mood.

GSmom posted 6/27/2013 14:24 PM

And what I hear in you is great resiliency. What a fabulous trait to possess and pass on to your children. Good for you!

Odonna posted 6/27/2013 15:53 PM

Coincidentally I just sent this link about some new research on the cause of fibromyalgia to a friend:

Turns out "the pathology consists of excessive sensory nerve fibers around specialized blood vessel structures located in the palms of the hands.

Not sure if this is generating any new treatments, but talk to your doctor and maybe you will find out.

Meanwhile, take care of YOU in every other way you can.

Skan posted 6/27/2013 16:01 PM

Hey, I'm another person with Fibromylogia. POS damned disease, itn't it? Being too depressed to keep exercising consistantly is causing me to have multiple flareups. So I'm back on the active road as well, to get myself back together.

Self-esteme hits? Oh HAIL yes! I refused to let him see me naked for months. I saw myself as the fat, ugly, old wife. I am a very young 55, and I never felt old nor threatened by aging at all ... until about 3 minutes after I found that he had had a ONS and the extent of his porn usage. Then I instantly became "old."

Well, fuck that shit! I may have gained a few extra pounds over the decades and I may not be the ultra-athletic person that I used to be, but I'm pure gold on the inside. And so are you!

brokenhearted76 posted 6/27/2013 16:45 PM

Thank you all so much. Wether i am having a clear moment, or all of your support has sunk in im not sure. But i am feeling a lil better about me. I know i have a long road, but i will get there. It helps being here.

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