Many of those who have made progress through the pain made big strides when they learned how to build self esteem from within.
You've been through so much - you sound like an amazing person with a lot to give. Cut yourself slack for feeling down now - the pain is so fresh. You can build yourself back up in time, but you get to grieve for a while.
You said it yourself, this isn't about YOU. It's about him and his brokenness. YOU are beautiful.
You are doing a great job on improving your overall health and appearance. 100 pounds is a GREAT accomplishement, and anyone with weight issues will admire your efforts and success.
You are a cancer SURVIVOR - Wow. Oral cancer is nasty business and to get through it, and ge Cancer Free is quite an accomplishment.
I am willing to bet that you are a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teemmate, a mentor, a teacher, a strong beautiful woman. (Beauty is not an outward appearance, but from the glow of goodness from within ones self).
You will get through this, with or without him. You will be stronger, and more beautiful than you are now. You will also have the experience of this that will allow you to not give a good GD what anyone else thinks. You will be happy with who you are, and if not use the power you have to change it.
I've been battling health issues that affect my physical appearance very much. I think that was one of the hardest things about WH's EA - it made me feel like I wasn't good enough.
I cried at IC the other day when I said "Dammit, I always thought I should just be happy I'm surviving, not worrying about not looking like someone on glamourbabes.com (XXX)."
I've come to realize that if he doesn't think I'm pretty enough when he is probably the ONLY person who knows ALL my health things I've survived and been through then he can kiss my ass because that is just loser.
I have to say please be careful to take care of you. It was so easy to get lost these last few months into self-pity, self-hate...I regret the lost time. Do things that make you feel wonderful. I'm jealous of your 100 pounds!
If you start to feel too low, reach out, get some help, here at SI or IC or trusted family or friend. This is such an isolating problem that I think people with normal coping skills and support systems get bushwacked because they can't turn to those normal systems.
Hugs to you.
Part of R is showing remorse and he is failing miserably, contributing to your lack of self esteem. Subconsciously it hurts to think he isn't sorry he devastated you.
I advise you to read about the 180 in the Healing Library under BS FAQs #11. It is for helping you to get stronger and when you do.....LOOK OUT WORLD!
You should be proud. Big deal you don't have teeth. At least you have a face, and don't have a trach. In the old days you would have been left with horrible scars, and radiation burns. No teeth, no jaw, and a trach.
So in the grand scheme of things you are doing quite well. Have you loooked into any make a wish, or giving back programs for implants? Dental surgery schools, and Oral Surgery programs will sometimes offer procedures at steeply discounted rates so the students can learn. They are overseen with their care so they don't mess up.
Just a thought.
My H and his brother had their orthodontia done this way.
my give a damn is busted
It's hard to flaunt an attitude of confidence and love for all mankind when the one person we should have been able to trust treats us like garbage. But... that is the goal and someday, with them or without them, we can get there. Today, I'm thinking it would be easier to get there without them but I'm in a particularly bad mood.
Turns out "the pathology consists of excessive sensory nerve fibers around specialized blood vessel structures located in the palms of the hands.”
Not sure if this is generating any new treatments, but talk to your doctor and maybe you will find out.
Meanwhile, take care of YOU in every other way you can.
Self-esteme hits? Oh HAIL yes! I refused to let him see me naked for months. I saw myself as the fat, ugly, old wife. I am a very young 55, and I never felt old nor threatened by aging at all ... until about 3 minutes after I found that he had had a ONS and the extent of his porn usage. Then I instantly became "old."
Well, fuck that shit! I may have gained a few extra pounds over the decades and I may not be the ultra-athletic person that I used to be, but I'm pure gold on the inside. And so are you!
D-Day, June 10, 2012