First post here and my head is so full of stuff circling around and trying to make sense of what I did and the devastation I have wreaked upon my gorgeous BS.
My story is in my profile and writing that was pretty traumatic – seeing it there, laid bare makes it all the more incredible to me that it happened and the appalling headspace I was in to do it.
I have started intensive IC with an excellent therapist who really drills down to my core feelings, coping mechanisms and strategies that all contributed to the A.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the FOO issues I have nurtured throughout my life – I have been taken back to some very scary times as a child with an abusive, unloving, alcoholic father and a mother who was trapped by convention and desperately craved affection. I tried to protect her my entire life and my problems are thus: Mum died 10 years ago and I never grieved properly nor really helped her in the way I wanted to – Father died 4 years after her a broken man and yet again, I wasn’t able to help him. How could I when I couldn’t help myself?
I am now left with a gaping hole in my life that is the damaged relationship with my BS that we are struggling so hard to repair and move on with – I am now discovering all sorts of issues with myself that I loathe – I resent my parents for not being here and I hate that I wasn’t able to help them as a son should. All in all I am feeling pretty useless in life and I feel a black pit beneath me waiting to swallow me up.
All the above are coupled with trying to help my BS come to terms with what happened – our new MC is excellent and is really helping but I can’t let myself feel good about anything as it is all tainted by my past, my actions and the consequences of them. I so desperately want to help us move forward but at times I just want to stop the rollercoaster and get off.
Why am I saying all this? I am not sure but I just feel the need for people who have been through similar to be able to look at this and say “it’s ok – it will get better” – I just don’t know how to keep going sometimes and pouring out my feelings here may just help.
Thank you for listening.