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Black pit beneath me.

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PauLLing posted 6/27/2013 03:16 AM

First post here and my head is so full of stuff circling around and trying to make sense of what I did and the devastation I have wreaked upon my gorgeous BS.
My story is in my profile and writing that was pretty traumatic – seeing it there, laid bare makes it all the more incredible to me that it happened and the appalling headspace I was in to do it.

I have started intensive IC with an excellent therapist who really drills down to my core feelings, coping mechanisms and strategies that all contributed to the A.

What I wasn’t prepared for was the FOO issues I have nurtured throughout my life – I have been taken back to some very scary times as a child with an abusive, unloving, alcoholic father and a mother who was trapped by convention and desperately craved affection. I tried to protect her my entire life and my problems are thus: Mum died 10 years ago and I never grieved properly nor really helped her in the way I wanted to – Father died 4 years after her a broken man and yet again, I wasn’t able to help him. How could I when I couldn’t help myself?

I am now left with a gaping hole in my life that is the damaged relationship with my BS that we are struggling so hard to repair and move on with – I am now discovering all sorts of issues with myself that I loathe – I resent my parents for not being here and I hate that I wasn’t able to help them as a son should. All in all I am feeling pretty useless in life and I feel a black pit beneath me waiting to swallow me up.

All the above are coupled with trying to help my BS come to terms with what happened – our new MC is excellent and is really helping but I can’t let myself feel good about anything as it is all tainted by my past, my actions and the consequences of them. I so desperately want to help us move forward but at times I just want to stop the rollercoaster and get off.

Why am I saying all this? I am not sure but I just feel the need for people who have been through similar to be able to look at this and say “it’s ok – it will get better” – I just don’t know how to keep going sometimes and pouring out my feelings here may just help.

Thank you for listening.

ophelia24 posted 6/27/2013 03:55 AM

Hey there,

Yup. This shit sucks. Have a read of my profile to see some seriously fucked up behaviour. But even after all that I've done, my H and I continue to work our way through this mire. Some days are great, and others not.

There are no quick fixes to this. However, as you have obviously shown the courage to confess your A to your BS, means you have some integrity that demanded you tell the truth. That's a start. Just don't expect any choirs to start singing.

I would highly recommend you read a thread on here that has been bumped called What all WS need to know. If you havnt already. And if your BS wants a timeline and ALL details of your A, it is important you tell all. Let your BS guide you on what she needs from you.

You've found a great bunch of people here and posting and reading here is a really good step. I'm sure some of them will be along soon to offer their support and the odd 2x4 if and when needed.

One last thing. I'm learning this has a lot to do with integrity. Acting with it and thinking with integrity. Not because you are MADE to, but because living with integrity becomes the only way to live, in all aspects of your life.

Good luck and welcome to this very special site.

PauLLing posted 6/27/2013 04:10 AM

Thank you so much Ophelia - I had read your story a while back (been lurking here for a bit!) - I don't think there are any "good" stories of WS's but I am so heartened by your response and latest update to your profile.
SI is proving a godsend to my BS and me - we have very strict rules on where we post and we don't even know each other's monikers. She reads stuff to me, we discuss - and I read stuff to her too.
That thread for WS has been very useful, as has the Healing Library (although I wonder at the name for I am often reduced to a sobbing wreck and don't immediately feel the "healing" as it were - that's where hindsight and the integrity you talk of kick in I guess)
We know that R will take a long time and we continually mourn the loss of the relationship that was - but we are both determined to heal and grow together.
This is a blessed place too and I thank you for taking the time to help a newbie who so didn't wish that he was here.

sailorgirl posted 6/27/2013 14:01 PM


I wanted you to know that reading your profile helped me somehow. I am the BS and our story has similarities to yours from the abusive alcoholic father to the OW who threatens suicide.

My WH was/is full of issues: denial, low self worth, insecurity, compartmentalization, and feeling overly responsible for other people's problems.

It's like he needs to grow up all over again, but the right way with himself as his own parent.

Some books that have helped us so far are:
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Abusive Parents by Steven Farmer

I have thought a thousand times how much easier this would be if we were tackling WH's issues without the pain and anger caused by the affair. I could have been strong, supportive, patient, compassionate . . .

But the truth is, he wouldn't have faced his horrible childhood unless he absolutely had to. He was an expert minimizer and had convinced himself and everybody else that he had overcome the past.

Welcome to SI and hugs to you and your BS. Somehow, it helps to know that other people with a background like WH's have affairs despite great marriages.

PauLLing posted 6/27/2013 14:57 PM

Sailorgirl - your story also resonated with me too - I have lurked here for quite a while and my BS pointed me in your direction (we stay in separate forums and don't know each others monikers but do share the collective wisdom of the SI folk - yours being one of the most pertinent and inspiring)
I totally get what you say about your WH and his need to parent the younger him - the very same came up in our MC today and its something I am coming to terms with.
"Little me" has to be loved and it is up to "Big me" to rescue him, care for him, nurture and love him as no one else knows him but me - he was in those places on his own - he is the one who needs the rescuer that has been part of me for so long.
At IC this week I also learned about the Drama Triangle and was shocked that the OW was able to flit between Victim & Persecutor trapping my Rescuer in an impossible situation. I recommend your WH research a little on this deadly triangle - I shall most definitely seek out the books you mentioned.

Thank you for your support - it means a lot coming from someone I respect so much here - hugs to you both and all the lovely SI folk who are helping immeasurably .

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