he still does not want to go through the polygraph. He says it s the "principal" of it all.
If you translate this, he's really saying, "I've told you all I want to tell you. There's more, but I'd rather hide it from you than move forward in truth."
To follow it with, "You have to trust me" demonstrates that he does not yet get it. How long out of the affair is he? Are you sure it has not gone underground?
No. You don't have to trust him. In fact, it would be foolish to do so at this point. You will trust him when he's proven himself trustworthy. You will open your heart again when you know it's safe.
Trust and "moving forward" occur when, knowing the truth you make an informed decision to move on, together, in life.
It's not possible when there are secrets and lies.
Secrets and lies erect barriers to emotional intimacy. If you don't know the truth of your marriage, the truth about the person to whom you're married, then you can't establish or maintain emotional intimacy.
So, he's guarding his secrets at the expense of you and your marriage.
You say, "there's still a bit of doubt in my heart." With this statement, you're not being true to yourself. As much as you want this to be true, there is FAR more than a "bit of doubt." Your life has imploded, and the man you trusted has shown himself to be a liar and a cheater.
It's completely normal and natural to wish it weren't so, and to try to return to the safe, pre-discovery feelings. (One of the most confusing--and sometimes frustrating!--things, for the BS after d-day, is the sense that it only feels safe in the arms of the person who's caused so much pain.)
But it's a mistake to rush back to that. A big mistake. No, not a mistake to be in his arms. But it's a mistake to interpret your normal and natural wishes as reality.
What you have is a man you do not trust. He has not told you what you need to know. He is choosing to protect himself, his affair, and his affair partner at your expense.
And as good as it feels in his arms, and as good as it feels to think, "I now know most of it," the fact remains that as long as he is harboring his secrets, he's not all in.
You and your marriage NEED for him to be all in. I hope he emerges from his fog and becomes the man you need him to be before it is too late.
Maybe you could pass on to him one bit of SI wisdom: It is not infidelity that kills most of the marriages that end. For most, that's not the real deal-breaker.
What makes most of us who throw in the towel do so is the protracted dishonesty that follows discovery. The little bit told here, the little bit withheld for later. Starting to feel better, then having the rug pulled out again. Learning, the most painful way possible, that your spouse values his secrets and lies more than he values you or your marriage.
As long as there are secrets and lies, there can be no emotional intimacy. As long as there is no emotional intimacy, there is not a real marriage, IMO. Further, there remains a very real vulnerability to repeat or continued infidelity.
Millions of hugs to you. You will get through this. I know it seems impossible now, but you will.
ETA: That you have been manipulated into absorbing responsibility for his infidelity is really worrisome, when combined with his, "I've told you the important stuff, so now you have to trust me."
Life involves work, and stress, and sometimes not having, to give, what others need.
Loving and mature partners know this. They give latitude for it. When their needs are not being met, they do not blame. They do not cheat. They do not lie.
They find solutions within the marriage, with the person they've promised to love and protect and cherish.
They don't, when their infidelity is discovered, say, "Well, you didn't do x, y, and z for me. So I cheated. Now we have to forgive each other."
You do not have a remorseful husband. You do not have an empathetic husband. Without both empathy and remorse, you cannot have a real reconciliation.
[This message edited by solus sto at 10:06 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]