ME - A new person
It's been just over 4 months. I feel like I've become stagnant. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did in the first two months but it is still very painful. I feel like I've just become good at hiding it by now. I am currently away on military training and my mood swings in my heart and mind are pretty drastic. I asked my subordinate leader (who knows about my situation) if it was noticeable. He said it wasn't.
I feel like I'm losing sight of what progress is. Not in contact with WGF at all but I think about her constantly. I want to accept and forgive but it's nowhere in sight. This hellish battle just drags on. I think frequently about how twisted WGFs thinking was. About how under appreciated I was and how truly uncommitted she was even though she thought she was because she stuck with it for 6 years. I loved her with 100% of my heart. It's obvious by my reaction to the A that that is true. I don't feel that she ever did for me. And it must have been slipping away worse and worse every year until it came down to her I knowing that I was going to propose and we were truly going to start a life together for her to truly see her fears and fall apart.
I still wished desperately that she would face herself and truly see the issues she has and work on them. I also really wished I had someone who was at least putting the effort to give me some serious heartfelt apologies and remorse for her actions, but that has all stopped since I stopped contacting her. What little contact we have is sparse, periodic and usual under the veil of me trying my best to be short worded, and act like I'm okay and moving on. It feels weird and perhaps wrong but all I read is that I shouldn't show her my pain. I should do what I've been doing. She has told friends that she is afraid of showing me the times when she is hurting and remorseful because she doesn't want to make me hurt more or give me hope. I guess I see the logic in that but it also seems selfish. I don't think she understands that with the way things are going, there's no hope that I could ever want anything to do with her ever again. I would have little more than bad things to say about her and she has lost a majority of her closest a friends. Not because of the A, but because she has cut off contact with most everyone out of shame. And I don't think I want that. I still don't see her as a horrible person. But she is completely fucked up and bottles her feelings and emotions. This woman still has a huge portion of my heart occupied but If this traumatic event doesn't spur on change in her life, I am confident that nothing ever will. That leaves me confident that she is a lost cause. Maybe then I can accept and forgive, for my own sake.
Just a vent spurred on by anxiety. Thanks for reading.
HER - A waining memory
DDay - 2/22/2013
2-3 month EA/PA
Together for 6 years, ready to start my life . . .
"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back