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It's been just over 4 months. I feel like I've become stagnant. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did in the first two months but it is still very painful. I feel like I've just become good at hiding it by now. I am currently away on military training and my mood swings in my heart and mind are pretty drastic. I asked my subordinate leader (who knows about my situation) if it was noticeable. He said it wasn't.
I feel like I'm losing sight of what progress is. Not in contact with WGF at all but I think about her constantly. I want to accept and forgive but it's nowhere in sight. This hellish battle just drags on. I think frequently about how twisted WGFs thinking was. About how under appreciated I was and how truly uncommitted she was even though she thought she was because she stuck with it for 6 years. I loved her with 100% of my heart. It's obvious by my reaction to the A that that is true. I don't feel that she ever did for me. And it must have been slipping away worse and worse every year until it came down to her I knowing that I was going to propose and we were truly going to start a life together for her to truly see her fears and fall apart.
I still wished desperately that she would face herself and truly see the issues she has and work on them. I also really wished I had someone who was at least putting the effort to give me some serious heartfelt apologies and remorse for her actions, but that has all stopped since I stopped contacting her. What little contact we have is sparse, periodic and usual under the veil of me trying my best to be short worded, and act like I'm okay and moving on. It feels weird and perhaps wrong but all I read is that I shouldn't show her my pain. I should do what I've been doing. She has told friends that she is afraid of showing me the times when she is hurting and remorseful because she doesn't want to make me hurt more or give me hope. I guess I see the logic in that but it also seems selfish. I don't think she understands that with the way things are going, there's no hope that I could ever want anything to do with her ever again. I would have little more than bad things to say about her and she has lost a majority of her closest a friends. Not because of the A, but because she has cut off contact with most everyone out of shame. And I don't think I want that. I still don't see her as a horrible person. But she is completely fucked up and bottles her feelings and emotions. This woman still has a huge portion of my heart occupied but If this traumatic event doesn't spur on change in her life, I am confident that nothing ever will. That leaves me confident that she is a lost cause. Maybe then I can accept and forgive, for my own sake.

Just a vent spurred on by anxiety. Thanks for reading.

Brokenheart...

Deep breaths...it will be ok.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:42 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

When I started to do a LOT of thinking instead of reacting to the anxiety I saw that it was usually triggered when something in my thinking was faulty or false (which is how I wound up on SI).

Telling myself lies, being untrue to my true nature, holding things back, etc. = anxiety increased. Let it out, be brutally honest with myself = anxiety decreased.

I think maybe if you are in a situation (training/work) where you can't honor how you are feeling and have to put on a false front it could be creating some anxiety for you.

Hugs and I hope you get it sorted out soon because anxiety is NO fun.

I think constantly and try to continue to process it all. I don't shit out the invasive thoughts but don't beat myself over the head with them. I have a couple people that I talk to frequently and they help me. They are my outlet and im more thank grateful for them. The military training has caused me to miss my IC sessions which may or may not be causing an increase in anxiety and thinking a but too much. But my thoughts still constantly drift to disbelief. Looking back I'm still so dumbfounded by it. I still don't have any idea who WGF is today. I guess I hold out hope that she will snap out of it and realize her faults and TRULY work on herself. It seems that everyone who was close to her has her figured out but herself. I don't dwell on this (perhaps irrelevant) hope, but I can't deny it. It's there.

I guess 4 months really isn't that far out in a big picture sense. Still constantly wonder how she feels all the while continuing to try to let go, piece by piece.